AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

[lucyloooooo]

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

wise words

@YellowHairband and @MzHz

Not taking a step child on holiday is one thing, and a perfectly acceptable discussion.

Telling your fiancée they can come and their one obedient child can come, but just not the one with autism, is a different thing entirely.

We will have to agree to differ.
I would not have gone on the holiday. I might feel differently if my children were mainly living elsewhere, because it would mean I was taking myself out of the home and to them.
As a partner I would not remove one child from the family home, and take them away/ give them treats.
I would be happy, age permitting, for my relations to collect my child and take them to family gatherings, out for the day.
He has moved into her house.
This is not a situation where one child lives out part time, where you would expect them to have other experiences, they are all living together.
There will be enough inequality between the siblings due to different extended families, No need to add to it.

@lucyloooooo I think you're getting a hard time from some posters with little / no understanding of domestic abuse. Congratulations on ending your previous relationship and moving on. Not easy at all

Your DP has made his views clear, and I doubt he'll change. So, some tough decisions for you

The problem is you got pregnant far too quickly before you had developed any sense of ‘family’ with him. So as PP says, you are his girlfriend who he shares a child with and your kids are not his problem. However please remember your youngest - it’s not fair for him to miss a weekend with his extended family even if there’s an issue with your other son not going.

Also it’s very common for people not to cope or feel overwhelmed with an autistic child or need respite. It’s good people know their own personal limitations and what they can manage. Their needs are just as important as your sons.

Your partners brother stays most weekends all weekend? Do you and your partner not spend time together?

Barely. I work 9-5, the older kids are with their dad Monday to Wednesday, no weekends at all, all ex-partners terms. The baby goes to nursery. Thursday to Monday morning, they are all with me.

He works 12 hour shifts. Any weekends he has spare (as his days differ every week), he has plans, either doing something out of the house or his brother is here from Friday to Sunday. Which is no problem by me, but just an add-on as an accurate answer to your question.

We have no alone time at all. This is often blamed on my children being with us every weekend, but that was always a fact.

But I suppose so was his selfishness, which I've always known, and so I understand that this situation should come as no surprise to me.

Op, he doesn’t want to be part of your family. Your house (and I’m presuming it is your house?) is a convenient crash pad for him and his brother, does he even pay any money towards everything?

So he's a selfish man generally? Yeah, time for him to go.

As someone who suffered at the hands of a step parent who resented my existence, please, for the sake of your children, leave this man. Your children's mental health should be your absolute priority here, not that bellend. If you put him first, then honestly, you're no better than him.

You are into this dilemma because you were not thinking about the children. You have jumped into a new relationship without thinking about the consequences!

OP there's nothing wrong with him taking only your shared child away. Your other two children go on holiday with their dad. Are you seriously saying that it's fair they get two lots of everything, but your shared child only one?

However, big however. They were wrong to tell you that you could come, minus the 5 yo, when you pushed to be included.

Explicitly excluding him because of his autism is BAD.

Leave him, and for the love of god get your tubes tied, or stay celibate. Don't even think about men until your kids are grown and gone.

I don’t think I like this guy any more than the ex tbh.

Just to clarify, they've only ever been on holiday with their dad once, 2 years ago, because I booked it. I don't stop the boys ever going to dads or taking trips, he does that himself. Their dad goes on holidays, family trips, etc, but doesn't want to include them because it's not convenient for him.

Now some, if not all may say 'why not treat the ex the same as you're treating partner, because the situation is the same, surely?' ...The answer to that is I cannot have any say with ex due to how unbelievably narcissistic he is and how much he bullies me. I am not strong enough to do that. So I agree to let him have the kids when suits him, because I cannot fight that man anymore than I have.

My partner knows this, and made it clear to me that he would have my back and that he will be the kids safety net and support system, and made promises to do XYZ with my children, before we fell pregnant, yet here we are almost 3 years later.

I expect nothing, and I have asked for nothing, except to be present - I would drive myself and my children, pay for my own airbnb, I have my own funds, I haven't asked for a thing, but the pure resistance and the way that my partner has treated me through this is not something I ever expected, and I don't know where to turn.

He is not good partner material and you do really need to do the freedom programme.

You are incredibly vulnerable even if you refuse to see it yourself. A blended family that works is pretty rare. I grew up in one so made a decision to never date anyone with children already.

I worked as a volunteer in a DV service. My advice to you is think long and hard about this relationship and if to stay in it. His attitude will make your other children feel less because they are less in his eyes. I never wanted to make a child feel like that, I was the loved less stepchild. I thought it highly unlikely I would love someone else’s child as much as any I may have and that’s why I made the decision to never date anyone with children.

If you choose to break up then do not date at all for at least a couple of years. You must have got PG within about 12 to 16 weeks of meeting him that shows a level of vulnerability that makes you susceptible to being abused again. Every woman needs to be very picky when it comes to men especially when they have children. Awful men target single Mothers and that's a known fact as unpalatable as it is.

It is not unreasonable for the partner's relatives to invite either their relatives (partner and shared child) or the partner's family (all 5 of you). It is unreasonable for either the partner or his relatives to suggest you park the middle child elsewhere. You cannot casually dispose of your disabled child for their convenience. I hope it was just a thoughtless, spur-of-the-moment suggestion on their part.

However, idk why you'd be happy to send your eldest child off with your partner's relatives without you. None of the adults who would be in charge of him would have PR. If anything went wrong, you'd have to find emergency childcare for middle child and race to eldest child (or get his father to do it). The only person with a legal relationship to eldest child would be the 1 year old, who couldn't do anything to help. You can't conflate emotions with legality.

Ok all the bashing the OP for not remaining celibate for the rest of her life. You know know that you can be with someone for ten years and then they can change their mind and be a shit parent right? So many men say the right things before but become 1950's type twats pretty much when they come out of the delivery suite.
OP you feel very hurt by this and you are allowed to be. There's a big difference between what he has to do as the bare minimum and what he should do. He should think of you as a family, and family don't exclude eachother.
I think the trouble is that our SN children face so much exclusion, and it never stops being painful. To experience from family is particularly painful. I'm probably extra sensitive about this as a SEN parent.
The reason you're hurting is that he can take your presumably cute, easy baby and not feel any guilt. You will never have that. You are a mum of three. You know it's not easy, you know that you won't have easy, peaceful days out because that's just what having SEN kids is like. It's just different.
He has shown you he just wants his kid to be part of his family, his 'proper' family. Do you want this forever? Do you want to feel like this forever?
I get that the thought of being single mum again is heartbreaking but do you want to feel this way as often as you do now. You're not in the wrong. He is showing you his feelings. On behalf of your existing children, choose them. Don't settle for this.

@lucyloooooo your eyes are finally opening.

This man does not see you all as a family unit. He doesn't care about your other kids and he won't ever allow you to blend and be a real family.

For that reason alone, the relationship is doomed.

You can't marry a man who sees your kids as inconvenient extras he resents.

Time to end this farce. You may love him but he doesn't love you back the same way.

I'm speaking as the daughter of a man who married my Mum when she came with 2 feral kids and whom loved us wholly from the very beginning.

Your children deserve that too. Get rid of him.

I understand him just wanting to take his own son away with his family actually, and did you’d say your other children have gone away with their Dad separately?

One of my siblings has autism and we would do things without them occasionally as children when they wouldn’t have coped or enjoyed it, or would have likely ruined it.

all the bashing the OP for not remaining celibate for the rest of her life. You know know that you can be with someone for ten years and then they can change their mind and be a shit parent right? So many men say the right things before but become 1950's type twats pretty much when they come out of the delivery suite.

Nobody says she should’ve stayed celibate, just that getting pregnant after a few months is very clearly a bad idea and with adequate free contraception there is v little excuse for it

And who do you think is more likely to stick around? Somebody you’ve been with 3 months, or 5 years?

And who do you think is more likely to stick around? Somebody you’ve been with 3 months, or 5 years?

Or someone who has moved into your house?

My partner knows this, and made it clear to me that he would have my back and that he will be the kids safety net and support system, and made promises to do XYZ with my children, before we fell pregnant, yet here we are almost 3 years later

Of course he did, you’d known him a few months. I wouldn’t have believed it until he had proved it to me over a number of years.

My dad and I clashed a lot, but I could never imagine him taking 'his' children me included, away from the rest of us.

Op it’s very clear now that you’re an enabler of men. You seem grateful anybody shows any interest in you and feel you have to play the dutiful housewife to all of them, putting in all the effort and forking out all your money for the honour of their ‘presence’.

This in turn has bred contempt from them. They don’t respect you, they just see you as somebody willing to shovel the shit and pay for everything so they can play Disney Dad once in a while.

For the sake of your kids, grow a backbone. What’s happening with money? Is it your house, does he pay anything? What’s going on?

Take your 2 kids away on your own over the same time.

and leave him.