Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

274 replies

lucyloooooo · 27/06/2024 05:29

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
keylimedog · 27/06/2024 06:31

I mean together 2 years I wouldn't class him as a step dad to your elder two, possibly his family see if the same way - your older children aren't their family. It also just sounds like he doesn't class himself as their step dad either tbh.

I don't think it's wrong for his family to just want relatives to go, so your partner and the child you share just going should be absolutely okay and give you time with your older two. I wouldn't be sending off your 6 year old with your boyfriend and his family just so he can have a holiday, they're not his family and it is a big jump for your boyfriend to be responsible for another child (especially one that's not his!).

When you've got children with different parents their lives won't be the same, they won't always be able to do the same things at the same times or be treated exactly the same way by extended family.

Original poster
lucyloooooo · 27/06/2024 06:32

Ereyraa · 27/06/2024 06:30

The headline is a bit misleading, it’s not really due to ASD, he doesn’t see any of your DC as his.

Too much, too quickly. He won’t change now.

I'm sorry about that, I never meant to mislead, I just put what I thought was going on. Evidently, going by the opinions in this chat, there are other issues than I thought.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 27/06/2024 06:32

Having the baby was quick. We fell in love fast, which isn't always good. Maybe never.

I think this gets to why the why do you keep having babies with these men - tho harshly put, is really at the heart of it going forward for OP. I agree that this is not a good environment for your DC and am heartened that OP is realising that and won't inflict an unloving (non)father figure on them growing up. But beyond that there's a lot of work OP can do on herself to detach this idea of falling in love from having a baby. Mothers can't afford to be losing their heads like that to new men, the consequences are huge for everyone as she's discovering now. It's not that falling in love is never good but it needs to be reframed in a much healthier way for the future. For now, OP has a lot to think about and practically action to take her DC out of this situation. It's good that her family is supportive at least and shows - the love that really matters here is not the heady romance of a new man but the lasting unconditional love of a family.

Ereyraa · 27/06/2024 06:34

lucyloooooo · 27/06/2024 06:32

I'm sorry about that, I never meant to mislead, I just put what I thought was going on. Evidently, going by the opinions in this chat, there are other issues than I thought.

Show quote history

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. He doesn’t sound like that man for you.

I’d end it asap, there’s no need for your DC to lone with someone who has no interest in them.

JLT24 · 27/06/2024 06:35

pictoosh · 27/06/2024 06:27

Hmm...that would be quite dominant and controlling to my mind.

Show quote history

Good. The OP can take control of this situation and leave an unsupportive partner who doesn’t like her kids or see them as a family unit.

KTSl1964 · 27/06/2024 06:36

Poor you op - he shouldn’t be treating you in this way - have you looked at the Freedom Course - it’s for help with abusive relationship and there is a free book down load by Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that - I think he’s showing you who he is - you didn’t really know each other - please don’t be one of those women who choose unpleasant abusive men over there children. I don’t think you are as you wouldn’t have posted. 🌺 It’s ok he doesn’t take your other two although it hurts - how does he treat your two kids when he spends time with them? Is he kind, shows interest in them? His own child will be his priority but he should not ignore yours - I hope you have support from your own family -

pictoosh · 27/06/2024 06:37

@keylimedog you have articulated that really well. I agree with you. Life and relationships do not follow a neat trajectory like the kind we like to see on TV.
There are individuals with their own ideas involved.

StormingNorman · 27/06/2024 06:37

olympicsrock · 27/06/2024 06:00

He doesn’t see you as a family. He has a girl friend with whom he shares a child. The girlfriend happens to have 2 kids who are not his responsibility.
He does not see him himself as their dad/ step dad . Nor do his family
You can’t change how he thinks but you can change how you think about the relationship and I wouldn’t want to progress things with a man who doesn’t want to take on your children.

Hit the nail on the head.

OP he told you a lot about what he thinks of you and his soon-to-be SC. Let him go. This relationship isn’t what you are looking for for your family.

AnCùDubh · 27/06/2024 06:40

Take that red flag, turn it into a parachute and jump!

He's shown you who he is - believe him.

PurpleyDog · 27/06/2024 06:42

This is a holiday with his family, that your older DC have no connection or relationship with. It’s not unreasonable that they’re not invited.

That point aside, his comments have shown that your family is not quite blended yet and he sees your older DC as your children rather than his step children. You need a frank discussion on how you both envisage it will be going forward and then decide if this relationship is for you.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 27/06/2024 06:43

Lots of blended families operate in different ways.

look at the step parenting board as a whole. Women are often encouraged to just take the child that’s their own away. some families do joint trips and separate trips with each parent taking their own kids away. It works for some families.

It doesn’t work in yours because you both have different views. And in the long run, it’s not going to work. He doesn’t see your child as his children and you, to some degree, expect him to. Again, either way can work, if you are on the same page.

In all honesty if you posted that you were going away with your family and taking your child and you partner was upset you wouldn’t include at least one of his, people would side with you.

My son has autism so I know how upsetting it can be for them to be excluded. And it’s made hard because sometimes you can see why people may not want to deal with their behaviours. Even for parents we often wish we didn’t have to deal with it. Bit even without autism I think it’s unrealistic to assume a new partner will view your children as theirs. If it happens that’s great. But unrealistic to just assume.

I think, unfortunately, you came out of an abusive relationship. Fell very quickly for a man who made you feel good and jumped all in with your kids before actually really understanding what the dynamic was going to be, wether it suited you both etc.

Fraaahnces · 27/06/2024 06:46

He isn’t their dad. His family is not their family. Of course if you were going, all your kids should go. I get it. I think it’s a bit weird to want to take your baby tbh… I think I would put my foot down about that and say that maybe when they get to know you all and feel comfortable with you and you feel comfortable with them yoI’ll consider it, but one is very little to be away from mum. I think at the moment it’s divisive and manipulative.

Toddlerteaplease · 27/06/2024 06:46

I don't see what's wrong with only taking his only child on holiday with his extended family. They are not your other children's grandparents. But he doesn't sound particularly nice and if he excludes them in other ways, it will not be a happy home for your older children.

Original poster
lucyloooooo · 27/06/2024 06:54

I understand comments that the children aren't his and his family aren't their family, so why should he take them?

However, they know the children and are around them a lot. My partners brother stays most weekends, all weekend.

They have said if I were able to get childcare, I was invited. Even if I were able to get childcare for my 5yo with autism, me and my 6yo are invited. That isn't happening and so I have asked if I can come with the two children, and it's a hard no. I have explained I will take full responsibility, obviously, but my partner has said he absolutely does not want my 5yo there, at all. I'm not expecting anyone to pay for me, take care of any of my children, drive me or make the weekend 'easier' - I am fully aware that I am a mum of 3, one with autism, and it isn't easy, but I wouldn't change it.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/06/2024 06:54

No op, you can't continue living with this man. It simply isn't fair on your first two children. It was all too rushed. It will only get worse.

Bumpitybumper · 27/06/2024 06:56

KTSl1964 · 27/06/2024 06:36

Poor you op - he shouldn’t be treating you in this way - have you looked at the Freedom Course - it’s for help with abusive relationship and there is a free book down load by Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that - I think he’s showing you who he is - you didn’t really know each other - please don’t be one of those women who choose unpleasant abusive men over there children. I don’t think you are as you wouldn’t have posted. 🌺 It’s ok he doesn’t take your other two although it hurts - how does he treat your two kids when he spends time with them? Is he kind, shows interest in them? His own child will be his priority but he should not ignore yours - I hope you have support from your own family -

How on earth can you identify that OP's partner is being abusive from her posts? There is absolutely nothing that's she written that would suggest this is the case.

Personally I feel like there is a huge level of misunderstanding going on between OP and her partner. OP believes that because they have a shared child that this automatically makes them a family unit where her partner should willingly take on the stepfather role and treat all her children somewhat the same. The timescales involved are relevant because it means that the partner didn't have any real time to bond OP and more importantly her kids before there was a joint child on the way and the relationship was effectively rapidly accelerated to 'family unit' level from OP's perspective.

Being a step parent is tricky, especially being one to a SEN child. It is totally possible that given more time and insight into life with a SEN child, he would have decided that it was too much for him to take on and he would have walked away from the relationship. The joint child has bound him to her and therefore by extension her children but in a much looser way than you would like. It is totally possible that he is actually only interested in having a relationship with her and his own child. I don't think this makes him abusive but I do think it's very sad and that OP needs to examine her role in all of this. I wonder if she was finding it tricky being a single parent of two kids (one with SEN) and saw an opportunity to fast track a family unit with someone that she thought was a decent man? She wouldn't be the first to do this but hopefully she can now see how risky and complex this can be.

WuTangGran · 27/06/2024 06:58

Run.

Luio · 27/06/2024 06:59

I must admit I would feel the same as him. He can go away with his family and baby and have a fairly relaxed time with them or he can go with all of you all and worry about you and your sons all weekend. It is a completely different group dynamic and sounds a lot more stressful. Sometimes people need a bit of a break and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

A lot of people feel differently about their biological children and you can’t force him to change that. Your other two do have their own father.

Andwegoroundagain · 27/06/2024 07:00

Bumpitybumper · 27/06/2024 06:56

How on earth can you identify that OP's partner is being abusive from her posts? There is absolutely nothing that's she written that would suggest this is the case.

Personally I feel like there is a huge level of misunderstanding going on between OP and her partner. OP believes that because they have a shared child that this automatically makes them a family unit where her partner should willingly take on the stepfather role and treat all her children somewhat the same. The timescales involved are relevant because it means that the partner didn't have any real time to bond OP and more importantly her kids before there was a joint child on the way and the relationship was effectively rapidly accelerated to 'family unit' level from OP's perspective.

Being a step parent is tricky, especially being one to a SEN child. It is totally possible that given more time and insight into life with a SEN child, he would have decided that it was too much for him to take on and he would have walked away from the relationship. The joint child has bound him to her and therefore by extension her children but in a much looser way than you would like. It is totally possible that he is actually only interested in having a relationship with her and his own child. I don't think this makes him abusive but I do think it's very sad and that OP needs to examine her role in all of this. I wonder if she was finding it tricky being a single parent of two kids (one with SEN) and saw an opportunity to fast track a family unit with someone that she thought was a decent man? She wouldn't be the first to do this but hopefully she can now see how risky and complex this can be.

Edited
Show quote history

Very sensible post!

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 27/06/2024 07:03

Reading all your posts, I’m really sorry but you’ve made another mistake with this man. It won’t get better.

pinkdelight · 27/06/2024 07:03

They have said if I were able to get childcare, I was invited.

This very much speaks to the poster who said your guy and his family sees you as a girlfriend who he's got a baby with. Your other two DC aren't part of the equation. They weren't factored in enough when this relationship began and so this is how it is.

Regardless of (not actually) blended families doing things differently, it's quite extreme to say park your two young DC elsewhere so you can come along and join in the pretence that you, boyfriend and baby are a family unit of three. But that's how he and they see you. It's not gonna work.

Yerroblemom1923 · 27/06/2024 07:04

It's not easy to love other people's children as your own. Hurtful though it is, I can see why your other boys haven't been invited. Also, if he's going away with his parents they are not in anyway related to your other children so why would they invite them? They're not their grandparents. I don't even think it's totally about your autistic son - that may just be an excuse.
Just another example that "blended" families don't work.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 27/06/2024 07:05

Even if I were able to get childcare for my 5yo with autism, me and my 6yo are invited. So this is him trying to specifically exclude your Autistic child. Its appalling he thinks excluding one of your children is ok. Id be taking all 3 kids somewhere on my own and he could enjoy his holiday with his parents.
If you stay with him his attitude will damage your two older children as they grow up. He's not a partner or a step father, he's a man you have a child with who doesn't GAF about your older DC. He's made his position crystal clear, he's showed you who he is, balls in your court. Personally I wouldn't be hanging around to see what damage this did to my children.

Gingerdancedbackwards · 27/06/2024 07:05

lovey, please re-think your future plans
You and your children should expect more. Deserve more
Better you stick together as a tight unit than having such a partner and his associated family judging and excluding the people who should be a major part of their lives too.
Good luck

Original poster
lucyloooooo · 27/06/2024 07:05

I wonder if she was finding it tricky being a single parent of two kids (one with SEN) and saw an opportunity to fast track a family unit with someone that she thought was a decent man?

In no way shape or form, did this thought ever enter my mind. I was happy as a single mum, yes sometimes it was hard, but I loved it, especially after being in a very abusive environment - I thrived.

I got with a man I thought was lovely, different to the rest and we fell pregnant quickly. It was foolish to do this with someone that I didn't know very well as well as having two other children, one with ASD, yes. It's a juvenile thing to do, but it's done.

OP posts: