AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

[lucyloooooo]

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

You can't change the the past. All you can do is make the best decisions you can from now on. And you know this family environment is not beneficial to any of your children. So you leave. They can't grow up in a home where they're treated so differently. Without him you are all a family. With him your children are divided. It's heartbreaking when the person you love doesn't love your children.

Women really need to think about why they have babies with men they barely know.

He can’t make the bride and groom invite you all, it isn’t your wedding it’s theirs. But it’s clear he doesn’t want you all there. Fair enough maybe he does want a chilled weekend without your son dominating it but you all come as a package deal and he should have worked that out by now really.

OP - this is awful for you. You and your three children all deserve much better than this.

Glad you have real life support for this - get away from this man and please don't marry him!

DS is in a similar position to this man - long term relationship with a partner who has two children, and they have one child together. Given that they have a child, it is obviously a very established relationship, and we simply would not dream of inviting him on a family holiday without his partner. Equally we would not dream of leaving the older two children out. I can't conceive how anyone with any humanity could do that to a child.

His family are maybe defending a different thing.
It's not his occasion and you can't force the ghosts to invite people they don't want. So maybe they see this as you trying to insist your children are invited to this thing, which is unreasonable.
If that's all it was you'd just decline the invitation unless it included you and both kids. A simple yes please, or no thanks.

Whereas what your issue really is, is that he doesn't see your eldest two children as family members of his, they are just the sides to you the main dish.

It sounds like you've gone from one abusive relationship to another OP.

He sounds awful and it’s not going to get easier.

I come from a very mixed and blended family. I have known nothing else, which helps, my oldest two siblings have vague recollections of other things, but we are a 'lump' we have always been a 'lump' and please god we will always be a 'lump'. There is no, and never has been a distinction between us.
If you want the 'lump' you are with the wrong man.

DH and I take our kids away separately with family. So I don’t see that as the issue. What matters is the lack of communication- he should have asked you and made sure you were comfortable with it.

(As an aside I do think it’s needed in blended families to have a bit more flexibility about things like this. But of course only if it’s a mutual decision that you’ve been able to discuss together.)

Really it was on OP to make her expectations clear in regards what she wanted his relationship with her children to be.

A lot of people assume that a stepparent will just take on a parental role and that their blended family will operate as a nuclear one, but that isn’t how all blended families operate (or indeed have to operate). People have very different ideas as to what ‘stepparent’, and for that matter ‘family’, means in practice, and as the one responsible for children she needed to make that clear and not just assume he and his family would just fall in line with her expectations.

His relationship with his biological child is and always will be different to the one he has with OP’s children from her first marriage. They aren’t his children. Regardless of whether she stays with him or not, her children are not going to be raised as a ‘lump’ now. They may be siblings, but they don’t all share the same family members, and her youngest will have a relationship with their father and paternal family that their siblings won’t.

I wouldn't marry this man

I get that it's hurtful.

But how many times have we seen a post on here from a step mum who is going away with her parents and child, and whose partner is getting annoyed she isn't taking her step children? She's pretty much always told she doesn't have to.

I think you should have established how he feels about your existing children before concieving your 3rd with him. He is clearly not a suitable step-father to your two older children with this attitude so you should end the relationship.

And you need to have a word with yourself about being heartbroken so much by perfectly usual situations.

You don't seem to have learned yet that a good parent will put their children's best interests first as your prime concern seems to be the effect on you. It is unlikely that your autistic 5yo would be at all happy at a family gathering of people he is unrelated to and has no relationship with.

As a side note, the word ‘abusive’ gets thrown around a lot on this site.
I’m genuinely not seeing where he is being abusive. A poor partner? Arguably. Not cut out for a blended family/step father? Definitely.

I think labeling any male who is simply a substandard partner as abusive does a disservice to those who have truly experienced (survived?) an abusive relationship.

Hold on a minute…

time and time again we tell step mums that they don’t have to take their OH kids from previous relationships if they are going away with her family.

his kids, he can take them, they can go with their own mother. Nothing stopping him taking his own kids away… blah blah blah, you get the picture

this isn’t any different.

MzHz · Today 08:35
Hold on a minute…

time and time again we tell step mums that they don’t have to take their OH kids from previous relationships if they are going away with her family.

his kids, he can take them, they can go with their own mother. Nothing stopping him taking his own kids away… blah blah blah, you get the picture

this isn’t any different.

It is, because all three children are hers, and they all live together. If you had a step child living with you, you would not exclude them from your holidays. Or would you?

I say this as nicely as possible.

I would say to any woman with children now. Be very careful what man you let in Your life, 2 years is nothing to know someone, and if you already have children. Put them first all the time. Date, have fun but do that for a long time,very long time, be observant, when you see them your children, dont ignore the little red flags or any gut feelings, and just really get to know them. Far too many arsehole men. But also good one, just takes longer to get to know the good ones

From taking them on holiday without their parent, to a holiday they haven’t even been invited to? Why would you take them?

Stepparents, male or female, don’t have to assume responsibility for children that aren’t theirs and saying no to that is absolutely reasonable.

***And you need to have a word with yourself about being heartbroken so much by perfectly usual situations.

You don't seem to have learned yet that a good parent will put their children's best interests first as your prime concern seems to be the effect on you.
*
Not helpful. I'm in this situation because I love a man, but I love my children and value them more.

As we all know, these situations don't come from nothing. There are snippets and small signs, but you think they're small, or they may change, but this situation is something I'm not willing to overlook.

My children's father was abusive, and I allowed him to do that to me. The first sign that he was passing that onto my children, I was gone. To clarify, he didn't do anything to them physically, but was neglectful once - I packed us up and moved into my mums house where the 3 of us had to share a bedroom for 3 months.

I am in this dilemma because I want the best for my children, no matter what I feel.

Your partners brother stays most weekends all weekend? Do you and your partner not spend time together?

I think they should have discussed it together, to establish if they were on the same page. As it appears they aren’t

I think it wants a mistake to keep asking if you could go on the trip, the baby is one year old and won’t remember it. His family are totally entitled to enjoy a holiday without disruption from your child. Just accept it and plan a trip of your own for all of you.

If I wasn't welcome on this trip, my 1-year old wouldn't be going anywhere.

Actually all your children (regardless of SEN) need 1:1 time with loved ones. It’s perfectly reasonable for your partner to take his son away on holiday. Having one child and not two or three (regardless of SEN)will enable him to have a break too.

I think you’re over reacting and wrongly taking his refusal to take the two older children as a personal insult. They are not his children.