AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

[lucyloooooo]

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

Is it your house, does he pay anything? What’s going on?

It is my house, yes. He does pay some, not half, but some.

There’s no one set way for families, blended or nuclear, to operate. Your parents were entitled to decide what worked best for your family, but equally others are entitled to decide differently.

@MaryMaryVeryContrary accidents happen, it doesn't mean he had to turn into a dick. Presumably he agreed to having a child too.
How many pages on MN are there dedicated to selfish men who the posters have married or been with for years?
The OP can't change the past and it's impossible to say how things could have turned out. Like she said, he said all the right things.
The sooner women stop bashing other women for mens shitty behaviour the better. It's internalised misogyny.

@Lucy807 OP said it wasn’t an accident

Not his family, why should he take them on?
As a child free woman, I find this baffling.
Obviously they are not compatible, I would run for the hills if I wasn't married for 20 years from someone with children.

I never said whether it was an accident or planned. It was indeed, an accident. I originally was happy with two children and had the mindset that I wouldn't have anymore, and partner was happy with that. And then we fell pregnant.

And sorry but discouraging women from protecting themselves ‘because if it goes wrong then blame him too’ is rubbish advice. What does ‘blaming the men’ even do? OP is still stuck caring for 3 kids even though we’ve all mutually agreed on here her boyfriend and ex are useless and we condemn him. It doesn’t change anything.

You said you ‘fell in love fast’ etc. I’m sorry but it sounds very much not like an accident although none of us will ever know for sure.

Your children will 100% not be happy being forced to share space with a man who has declared he ‘isn’t their dad’ and has already treated them in a way that suggests they mean very little to him. Do you really want them to grow up in a state of constant rejection? Unfortunately his attitude has made it very clear that it’s a him or them situation. Please choose them.

You said you ‘fell in love fast’ etc

I apologise, yes I can see now how that can come across.

We did fall in love fast, but there was absolutely no planning of having another child. We used protection and still found ourselves expecting. I can't use most contraceptive products due to the fact they are hormonal, they really do not agree with me - believe me, I have tried. So then the only other solution is either the coil or protection. The coil I wasn't sure, and after careful thought, I didn't get it. Therefore, condoms, and as proven, don't work 100% of the time. Tubes tied it is.

Oh, OP, I feel for you. This is not a good situation for your or your children. It's clearly niggling at you now so just think how you will feel as time goes by and nothing changes. You would be either so defeated that you resign yourself to that life or so angry that you leave. Would you find your anger? If not, you need to seriously consider whether you want this life for you and your children for the future. I hope it works out for you.

This particular trip is irrelevant tbh. His family may not go on many holidays and just want a relaxed chilled holiday. I know fro going on holiday with a relative’s autistic child, it can be extremely stressful for everyone on that holiday, so it’s okay for them to want to go on a holiday without a child who has no connection to most o& the people on the trip. And it would be worse on you4 son if your other child was also invited. The issue is he is telling you his feelings in respect of your autistic child by making comments which suggest he’s not going to be fulling accepting of him in your day to day life. This is what you should be focussing on, not the holiday.

@MaryMaryVeryContrary because the world blames women no matter what they do!
Get married
Have children
Husband doesn't pull his weight - LTB
Husband is mean with money - LTB
Husband doesn't want sex or affection- LTB
And then you're a single mum, encouraged to 'go out there and have fun' but don't you dare fall in love with anyone or want them to meet your kids or dare to want to live together. You're a mum you must have pointless short relationships which don't go anywhere for twenty years! Whilst your ex can move Lisa in after two weeks but that's ok as he only has the kids every other weekend and women are all lovely and nice, unlike rapist, abusive stepdads.

So you're skint, usually working part time as you have to do every drop off and pick up because you're on your own. Your career has been shot because biologically you were the only one who could have children.
A man comes along who claims to be wonderful, saying all the right things and offering well needed contributions to the financial pot. And then he acts like this.

Can you really say women are to blame? We get shat on no matter what course we take in life.
Stay in love less marriage
Get out but know you'll never be able to have a partner until your kids have left home (and with SEN that could be never)
Stay on your own but take on everything, pay everything and be lonely. Pay a mortgage on your own and work until 2am to keep all the plates spinning.
I chose option 3 but my god is it hard! I don't for one second judge women who want to have a family unit again.

Op, you really need to take more responsibility than this. You had 2 small children, recently split, a lot on your plate. I’m not trying to be a dick but I don’t think endless ‘awww hun, yeah crap men’ messages will do you any favours here. If your only method of contraception is something fairly unreliable, and you wouldn’t terminate, then you knew the risks. I’m always amazed by how people only ever seem to have ‘surprise pregnancies’ a few months into dating rather than after they’ve been together years and years, when they’re in the lovey dovey stage.

Time to now stand on your own 2 feet and do the right thing by your existing children. Sorry to nag but is this man living in YOUR house? What does he pay?

Sorry for the harsh messages but I feel quite passionate about this having seen female family members shafted the same way.

Kick him the fuck out.

He is a cock lodger, he isn’t a partner. He doesn’t care about your two older children and he is using you/your house as a hotel.

This is not a man you want to marry, you and your children will be miserable. Your youngest child might be the golden child but if their siblings resent them for it then they’ll all still be miserable growing up.

My partner knows this, and made it clear to me that he would have my back and that he will be the kids safety net and support system, and made promises to do XYZ with my children, before we fell pregnant, yet here we are almost 3 years later.

Words are cheap. Promises are easily made in the heady first rush of - let's face it - lust. Love and having a partner's back and being there for the kids is a whole other ballgame, much harder, and that's why you need to really know who someone is, proven well beyond the honeymoon period, before making any irreversible choices.

The good thing is you have your own home and it's sounds like you're doing okay financially so you're in a strong position to take back your power and parent all your DC in the same way without him making two feel much lesser.

Btw - side point but as I write that about it being your home, i remember what you said about his brother staying there every weekend, and i do start to think you're being taken advantage of more than you believe here. You're thinking you're a family so you're putting his DB up and thinking it makes them closer to your DC. But actually they're using your home when they please and ditching you when they please. You're not family and he's not a true partner at all. Time for him to leave.

By making exactly the same mistakes they did the 1st time and then ending up with twice the problem?

Re read your last paragraph and ask yourself the following questions.

What do you see as possible obstacles to stop all your children having the happy environment you want for them?

What would need to change to ensure they all live in a happy environment?

What would facilitate this change?

Who is the person who would need to facilitate this change?

Is the person who would be responsible for the change willing to do so?

If no change is made what will be the effect on your children's confidence and self worth?

As their parent what do you see as your responsibility to ensure that all your children grow up feeling loved, confident and with a sense of self worth?

Oh dear Lord, how did I know this would be the case. And you let his brother stay for free 2 days a week? He’s making a mug of you. He doesn’t love you, there’s no romance, no family. Just a user.

Blended families absolutely do work, as long as everybody goes into it with clear expectations and boundaries are set at the beginning. DH’s step dad is the most wonderful human being and has been far more of a dad than his biological father has been. MIL was also involved with DH’s much younger half-siblings to the point that she was their mother’s main support network/childcare when she was returning to work, so I think your statement is sweeping and unfair.

I've grown up in the aftermath of an unequal, poorly blended family and it's had a toll for decades. The family struggles to function as an extended family because it's poorly bonded and lacks positive shared experiences.

There was a similar dynamic of siblings with child with additional needs and NT sibling. That in itself is hard as the NT child's needs are often compromised. To then on top be treated as lesser and not recognised by step-family is damaging. Bonus damage points if that inequality is not matched by NRP family involvement.

MN advice to step-mums and step-dads differs because too many dads seize an opportunity to pass off most parenting onto a woman and use that in place of their own responsibility. But if you are a step-parent to young children, particularly full time resident, you are by default inviting them into your life and family and to fail to recognise them as such is harmful to them. If he's not recognising them as his family two years and a baby in, that's not going to change.

I'm not agreeing with the partner in this situation as his attitude evidently is poor, but he's barely had a chance to be step dad surely? Or to be a 'family unit?'

They're been together 2 years, already with a 1 year old, already moved in and already engaged???

It's WAY too fast. Blending families takes careful time with lots of boundaries. It doesn't seem like OP has any boundaries at all and it's contributed to why she's in this situation.

2 years in, you could still hardly know the guy. Just because you fell in love quick, it doesn't mean everything has to be rushed.

I think a lot of this is due to the rush of everyone and everything, not just the OPs parters poor attitude.

You’re with a really unpleasant and unkind man. Get rid ASAP. Don’t subject your children to him.

There's no point beating yourself up over the mistake you've made here. But you can learn from it. You didn't fall in love with this man fast. You were desperate to be in love and he was there. It was never about him. It's a very easy mistake to make which many many people do. It's normal to want someone to love you. Take your three precious children and take some time out from men, until you can separate the person themselves from your need ti be wanted.

And everyone saying 'leave the man it's not fair on your children' are being a bit dismissive of the youngest child here.