AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

[lucyloooooo]

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

I see this as a family weekend that he is choosing not to invite his family too. He should have been telling his mum/brother we will all come (and pay) not going alone.

This would be unacceptable to me. I would ask him and his brother to move out immediately. Not even sure why the brother is staying with you.

You need to establish boundaries you are happy with or end things. If you're so in love she should be spending time with you not making plans to spend time away from you.

I wouldn’t let him take my 1 year old anywhere, when he is away , leave

OMG this would be a deal breaker for me. How long have you been together? Xx

2.5 years.

He has always been so loving, caring and just the perfect person and I love him so much, not like anyone before, and I don't think I can feel like this again.

Like everyone else, he has his flaws and I accepted these, and they were really nothing major. But the past 4 ish months, he has been a completely different person - Cold, harsh, nasty, verbally not very nice (I don't want to say abusive as seems a little strong, but it seems to be heading that way) and so so heartless toward me and my two children and the way we feel, he just seems to be so detached.

He hasn't changed his attitude toward our shared child or his family, which indicates he just isn't interested in us anymore.

I wonder if the reality of a blended family is finally dawning on him too late. This set up isn't for everyone but it's obviously a problem when someone sleepwalks into it like he's done.

OP you need to accept that's who he is and work out what's best for you.

This relationship is over. It was too much, too soon. You got pregnant within a few weeks. It's never going to be the happy family you want.

I hit post before I was done above.

When he returns from his trip its time for him to move out and take his brother with him.

Oh my goodness OP. You are definitely not deranged. You have genuine feelings for a guy thats exploiting you for all your worth. The fact you have a child together is no different to other posters in marriage who feel neglected & set aside. I only become involved in threads that move me to reply & yours is one that deserves support. You are getting support here despite your upset at the tone. The majority are good people trying to help you move forward 💐

Sounds like deep down his realised a blended family or where at least the step children are his steps rather than his own is just not for him. Yet doesn’t have the balls to end it, likely for fear of not spending as much time with his child. Add his family not liking you and yeah.

Honestly best course of action is to separate and try to co parent nicely no hard feelings kinda thing.

While your DP’s family don’t necessarily have to except step children as their own, I would expect him to! You and your kids are a package deal and he is being a dick!!
Sorry OP but if this is his attitude to your son then I couldn’t stay with him in your shoes !
he’s in your house so while he’s away with your shared baby pack his things up for him, when he returns take his key off him and your child and hand him his belongings!

Without knowing the dynamics between the father and her children I don't feel we can really offer any guidance.
My step child has ASD and I would not take him on holiday alone, nor would I take my step daughter away with my family without my partner. My family do treat my children/step children differently in subtle ways and I would not want to put my DSD in a situation that makes her uncomfortable. My partners family treats my children differently too. Whilst they accept the children they are not related and it takes a long time for families to fully integrate. It took me a while to adapt to my DSS with ASD, I love him dearly and whilst I would love to take him away with my family it would make eating out together etc more difficult and I am not sure that people are as understanding as they could be, so to some extent I can understand him being hesitiant.

Without knowledge of what he is like day-to-day with you and the children I don't feel i can say much more. Blending families is incredibly difficult and I wish you and your children the best whatever decision you make. Take care x

He knew you had children, one with special needs when you got together & proposed knowing you'd all be a family one day. Why is he now back tracking saying your Sons aren't his & doesn't want to include them in his family outings & holidays? If I were you I would seriously consider if I wanted to be with this man. If he can't accept your Sons being a part of his family, ask yourself will it really work long term?

Christ, you know how to pick them don’t you?
When this relationship finishes please invest your time into some therapy. Probably not a coincidence that you’ve chosen two awful men in a row, for the sake of the boys please don’t make it three.

I hope you’re ok @lucyloooooo

Hi all. Little update.

I tried to make things work with him for a little while after this post, but his attitude toward me and my kids remained the same. I broke up with him due to of course matters discussed in the post, but also due to his overwhelming selfishness, neglect to our relationship and much more.

He has since treated me and my boys (not our shared child) like we don't exist. Unfortunately, his actions over the period we have been apart have really shown me what we were to him - absolutely nothing.

I am just glad this has happened when the boys are 6 and 5, and not 16 and 15.

Thanks to everyone that supported me in June when I needed it. I feel like rubbish, but I'm getting there.
Xxx

Well done op!

None of that can have been easy. But you got out and many don't, so now you and your DC can enjoy a footie spent only with people who care and love you and those who don't won't get a seat at the table.

Hope you continue to go from strength to strength.

Sending best wishes. It needed to end - he’s not a good person, and neither are his family.

I hope you can fix on that - and take each day as it comes until you feel stronger.

God he is so disgusting that I can barely find the words. I'm very glad you left.

👏👏👏 good riddance. Hope you are ok.

Good luck OP. Hope you find some peace after this

You have done the right thing for yourself and all 3 boys - I'm sure things will be hard/painful for a while but I sincerely wish all 4 of you an amazing and kind time ahead

I've just read all your posts and I have never been so happy seeing an update. Well done! Too many women put their partners before their kids, but you've proven yourself to be an incredibly strong woman and fantastic mother. Break ups are tough but you will get through it, you and your boys deserve much better, well done! All the best ❤️

Well done OP! You are so strong - exactly who your boys need.

I'm so sorry this happened to you...but I hope the future is feeling brighter ✨️

I feel for you OP.. A ND child is hard to live with for everyone. If you can, please spend some time with your 6 y old just the two of you. Siblings to ND children often suffer in silence (google glass children). My youngest (11) is quite fragile due to his brother being ASD with outbursts etc so I make sure to separate them regularly and having time just for the two of us. I hope everything works out well for you and your children OP. You sound like a wonderful caring person and your children are lucky to have you as their mother. 🌟