AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

[lucyloooooo]

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

You need to be a single dm, concentrate on your dc.
Your partner sounds horrible.

Sorry but your DP is an arse and does not see you as a family, get out before your children realise they are second best. Taking a 1 yo away won't involve much "chilling"!
SEN families & relationships need to be working as a strong team as life gets tough, he doesn't have your (or your sons) back.

Don't marry him. He's shown his true colours. Anyone, who spoke about my autistic DS like that would have been kicked out of my life already.
He sounds so nasty and has basically told you he doesn't give a shit about your feelings, plus his family are just as bad.
Unfortunately your youngest will probably still have to have contact with these spiteful people but please get out now and protect your eldest two
First time ever I've said LTB.

This.
X100.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1)

Even if you stretch it as much as possible you already had 2 children yet met, moved in with and got pregnant with this guy in under a year. He was basically a stranger.
this is a "dangerous" time line for a childless woman let alone a mother of 2.

Get on effective contraception and thonk about what the future will look like for your oldest 2 if you stay.

He's not the man for you with that attitude towards your children. Split as amicably as possible for your mutual child, get yourself on reliable contraception and stop having children with men you don't really know.

Your partner not his family see you all as a family unfortunately, but getting together moving in and having a baby in under two years was extremely quick! You're still getting to know each other at this stage, not playing happy families.

Wow! Are you seriously considering staying with him?! He took your baby away and you weren’t invited?! He sounds horrible.

He responded to you describing feeling excluded with hostility and anger! That reaction from him is completely lacking in empathy and love. His response to you is cold hearted and nasty. I’m sorry you are going through this. You and your children deserve better.

I can see both sides, but I think his approach to it is quite callous. He, and baby have been invited away with his family. He could have said to them he'll only come if the rest of you do too. He could've stuck with that info, saying they want to spend time with him and their grandchild (I think that's a dick move myself). But your son's ASC is as brought into it, not ok.

FWIW I think you were wrong to ask him to take the 6 year old, that surely would be worse for your 5 yo?

This is the life of a blended family, you see the 5 of you as a whole and your DP sees it differently.

OP, I think you need to consider what is best for your child too in this scenario.

I'm autistic and an adult and I find this sort of thing VERY difficult.

We have been away camping for the last 3 years with my partner, his adult son and his partner, and his adult daughter and her partner.

When I feel overwhelmed, my 'meltdowns' are not like a child, I just become very small and quiet, and I can't move or do anything. If this happens when we're away altogether (and it does), I can sit in the tent alone in silence. They understand now that it's OK to leave me when I'm like that and go and do their own thing. When I'm OK again, I rejoin them.

If I were a child and they had to consider my needs in everything they did, it would make it more difficult. I considered not going yield this year because of how difficult I've found it the last two years.

I understand not wanting your child to he excluded but inclusion has to meet his needs too.

Yes this is really concerning.

There are more problems than just excluding your autistic son.

Did you do the freedom program op?

Your right. Your children won't be happy in that environment. Your partner and family are very happy to exclude you and your children, how is that going to make your children feel? How long before your 6 year old realises how shit your partner is? Do you want him blaming his sibling for missing out? Do you want your 1 year old to be treated like the golden child while your other two are ignored?
There is nothing positive about this man and if I were you I wouldn't be letting my 1 year old go either.

I can understand how hurt you must feel. I can't understand your partners unwillingness to welcome you & your 2 children to the event. When you got together you were part of a package which included your children. I think it's wrong to separate you and the 3 children in this way. Your partner has one biological child with you & 2 step children with you. If he & his family can't accept they have a responsibility to ensure nobody ever feels left out of family occasions I would seriously consider if I wanted a future filled with this type of behaviour. In my opinion this situation requires a very serious discussion, possibly including his family.

If OP does end up splitting with her partner then there is a high likelihood that he will get 50:50 custody. The idea that she is automatically the child's primary parent that can stop the child from holidaying with her partner's family just because it's unfair on her other kids is inaccurate. This is why the situation is so messy!

I'm sorry op, but it sounds like she sees you as his girlfriend who he shares a son with. Not a family unit, or step dad. It's never going to change. I wouldn't have any more children with any more partners, no matter how nice they are. Because when they leave, you're left with them all.

As a mum to a NT 12 year old and a Severe ASD 11 year old…. I wouldn’t stay with this man. He isn’t going to be any good for your kids. He’s nasty and I’d make sure I’m gone when he’s back

Well he's right in that he's not their dad. He doesn't see his relationship with your older children in the same way as his relationship with his son. Things do appear to have moved very quickly, together 2 years and a child who is already 1 year old.

If you end this relationship over this - and it is of course your right to do so - please do not move on again equally quickly and have more children with yet another boyfriend, confusing the children you already have and creating an even more tangled mess of siblings and half siblings and step siblings and parents and grandparents.

Your just a gf to him and the whole family and tbh at the speed the relationship has progressed I can 100% see why they still view you as just a gf and children are not their family.

This shows impulsive reckless decision making on both your parts, blended families are hard enough without going at 100mph and then adding a sen child to the mix too.

Clearly this sounds like a relaxed as much as can be family holiday. You’re invited as a gf if you can get childcare and at a push with your easy child. Yes it’s wrong to ban someone based on Sen however you also do it as your bf pointed out to make sure your older child gets experiences. Your wrong as well to expect him to take your oldest child alone.

Id separate and just be single for a long time tbh. Jumping from one bad relationship to speed running a whole family.

You have very different ideas as to what being a stepparent means. He doesn’t consider himself a parent to your children and doesn’t want to assume responsibility of them on a holiday with his family, and he’s not wrong for that. Equally, you’re not wrong for wanting something different. Ultimately, you’re incompatible.

As the one with children it was your responsibility to make your expectations clear from the beginning, and not pursue a relationship with someone that wasn’t on the same page. What’s done is indeed done though,

You need to stop referring to him as your partner- this is not a partnership. This is a situation which is deeply detrimental to all three of your children. Do you really think this is the behaviour of a suitable male role model? Your children will grow up with the same self-esteem issues that you have, or the same abusive, self-centred streak that he does.

You need to break the cycle.
Get on contraception.
Do the Women's Aid freedom programme.
Stop treating a level 7 bastard as an improvement on your previous level 9.
Be single.
Yes there are reasons you got into the situation, and you will probably say that he has his good points. But you're your children's advocate.
You cannot inflict this on your children.

Good luck

I think some have missed the point here, as I see it.

No one is suggesting that it's easy to love a step child as your own, or even that the step children should go on his family holiday. If the bloke was reasonable, there could be discussions to be had.

The problem here is his attitude. He is horrible. Would happily exclude just the 5 year old boy. This is callous and cruel.

He clearly has no intention of trying to live as a family. This isn't something that can be resolved by talking, he isn't interested.

And that's why the ltb calls are right, to put her child first. Otherwise her 5 yr old, who will already find fitting in to an NT world hard, whose safe space(home) would be absolutely crucial to him, has someone who hates him in it.

Break it down OP. He is entitled to spend quality time with his child. Your older two have a father that they go away with, your youngest should have the same. The baby is entitled to have a relationship with grandparents etc.
His family are entitled to build a bond with their grandchild.
It wasn't appropriate to ask him to take the 6 year old without you.
If you want to holiday together as a unit then you need to book somewhere alone.
The blanket no from him is what would piss me off, also his reaction to your upset. Is he willing to go away with your kids at all? Does he spend any time with them willingly? Does he have a bond with them? If the answer is no to these questions then surely the relationship cannot continue because he would just be a bloke who lives in your children's home.

Nothing the OP has said suggests he's "abusive". There's a wide gulf between not being the best partner and being an abuser.

As he says, it isn't his trip to invite people on.He is not their father - somebody else is! I don't understand why you think they are entitled to go

If that were me I'd not be hosting him any more and he'd not be welcome in my home. Your partner and his family sound horrible, I'm so sorry for you and your kids.