To think that I should get a decent birthday present?

[Northerngirl345]

Ladies,

I know I’m going to get flamed here.

BUT, if your DP earns £55k and has £6k of personal savings in his account (and you have no mortgage because earlier investments have paid off)…should you get birthday presents that total more than £80?

I’ve just spend £4k on a luxury long weekend for us both (granted, I earn more).

Is he taking the piss? Has he gone off me?

I know the total amount because he just added it up (it’s not my birthday yet) and said, is that not enough?

So:

YABU - stop being a princess
YANBU - he’s taking the piss

That sounds a bit mean, what has previous birthdays been like?

What are the presents?

Don’t know yet. Birthday is next week. He just told me how much he’d spent.

Thoughtful. But not expensive.

4k on a weekend? You must be rolling
A well thought out 80£ gift is fine
He is a dp
You not married
How long you been together?

If you think he might have gone off you, you're probably right.

Trust your gut.

Surely it's about the gift itself, not the value? Some of the best gifts my dh has given me have been pretty low value, but incredibly thoughtful and meaningful.

How does spunking £4K on a weekend demonstrate love to someone?
If you can afford it, it’s no big deal.

On £55K a year, £4K would actually be quite a big ask. So, he’s going to spend less than you. Do you have an actual ratio in mind that would be acceptable to you? 🤨

Husband and I don’t buy birthday presents for each other. But if we see something we know will make the other smile any time in the year, we taking joy in doing that. That’s what I’d rather have, than the pressure to hit some spend target 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did you ask him how much he’d spent or is he worrying about not pleasing you financially?

And yes you sound like a money orientated princess and he doesn’t so maybe you’re not the one for him.

Some people and families are not massively into gifts. We are both high earners and get a couple of smallish things, maybe £100 ish but we might sometimes spend more or less.

Its just a present .... As my daughter would say, it's not that deep.

I prefer thoughtful if it means I will be getting something I really like rather than something "flasher" that I am a bit oh hum about.

I f my DH just went in for spending large amounts on the sort of presents women are stereotypically meant to like - perfume, jewellery etc, with no regard for what I have ever shown an interest in, I would be underwhelmed.

But if he buys me something which I genuinely like and he has obviously thought about I wouldn't care how much, or how little, he spent.

YABU. £4k is insane for a weekend.

£4k on a weekend is insane.

do you consider money spent to be an indicator of love? £80 is absolutely fine.

Honestly I think your understanding of a gift is way off. And it sounds your values are misaligned.

The man who sourced a once mentioned favourite childhood muppet toy to me was priceless. The man who had his PA send me ‘the bag’ of the 00s, hadn’t a clue of who I was.

Surely its not about the amount but what the gift is? My DP earns considerably more than that and whilst I don't think we have ever discussed what birthday gifts cost, I'm almost certain some were less than £80. I remember the ones I liked most, not the most expensive (the one time he bought me a weekend away borderline a disaster... never suggested that again! The year with a 3-4 books he picked out was a definite improvement and the time he made me my favourite pancakes in bed for probably like £5.99 was best of all!).

Where on earth are you going for a weekend at £4k? Guessing NYC or similar...

The spend from him doesn't matter - depends what he got you and how personal it is/how much you love it

Maybe see what it is before you judge
Although feels weird even thinking about judging anyone on a present!

So your indicator of love is the amount of money spent? If so you have bigger issues that presents to deal with so I would focus on that

I appreciate everyone’s honesty.

I suppose it boils down to the fact that I know he has savings and is never “skint”. I spend a lot of money on holidays/our home and so it feels like he doesn’t think I’m worth treating to something nice.

It’s not about the cost of the gift, it’s about the thought that went into the gift. DH and I vary wildly year to year on what we spend on one another. It just depends on what we need to spend to get the perfect gift.

if I find the perfect gift cheaply, I’m not going to buy something random just for the sake of it. That way i have money next time when there is something perfect, but ridiculously expensive.

we are the same way with children’s gifts.

Sounds like you treat yourself to enough nice things and you are placing too much on how much money you both spend. Nice things can cost £80 and less fyi, it’s grabby being so ungrateful when you don’t even know what the present is yet.

It depends on your attitude to birthdays / gift giving.

in our our - where birthdays are a big deal - that would be unacceptably tight.

Sounds like you have different views on money/financial priorities? Maybe something to have a frank conversation about.
I wouldn’t view savings as something to spend on birthday presents. For me that’s replacing the boiler or the car, covering any time of unemployment or mat leave, home improvements, earlier retirement etc. In that context his pot really isn’t very big. I would have no issue with £80 of birthday presents and would be horrified by a £4K weekend away.

So, despite not knowing what the gift is you’ve decided it’s not ‘decent’ to use your description… due to the cost, and cost alone?

Fuck me, that is one of the most grabbiest things I’ve ever read on here.

I guess this is my point, I am generous to a fault. I buy him (and the kids) a lot for birthdays/christmas. I don’t expect anything like as much in return but I find it mental that someone with thousands sitting in his current account isn’t willing to spend it on a decent bottle of perfume and a pair of earrings.

Poor phrasing, I’ll grant you.