To think that I should get a decent birthday present?

[Northerngirl345]

Ladies,

I know I’m going to get flamed here.

BUT, if your DP earns £55k and has £6k of personal savings in his account (and you have no mortgage because earlier investments have paid off)…should you get birthday presents that total more than £80?

I’ve just spend £4k on a luxury long weekend for us both (granted, I earn more).

Is he taking the piss? Has he gone off me?

I know the total amount because he just added it up (it’s not my birthday yet) and said, is that not enough?

So:

YABU - stop being a princess
YANBU - he’s taking the piss

Pressed sent too soon - my Dp also asked me for a birthday list of presents I wanted this year which is in line with what he did with his ExW who did want a lot of presents on birthdays and Christmas: I sent him a link for a dress I would like, it’s £35 nothing ott and I told him I really didn’t want anything else! Sweetest thing he did on my irate birthday with himis buy me an unusual cake I mentioned I loved that he managed to source between lockdowns. For me, 20 years with ExH and I used to buy my own cake and present from kids. And that was the year he took me to the spa overnight stay!

I don't think that most men think how you are expecting him to. If you want a more lavish treat I think you have to be clear and ask him for one.

TBH I don’t think £6K savings on £55K is great - regardless of whether you’ve paid off the mortgage. Not when you have kids.

If you want to put £4K towards a long weekend that’s fine. In his place, I’d be unhappy if a partner spent what is essentially 80% of what I have in my savings on a long weekend. I’d view it as a waste of money. I guess different shakes etc…but that goes to show that not everyone is materialistic - which is what you’re coming across as being, OP. Maybe he simply doesn’t view flashing money as a way to show love.

Another one here who’s saying it’s not the value, it’s how thoughtful it is that counts. So you’d value his present more if he just walked into a jewellery shop in his lunch hour and grabbed literally the first expensive blingy bauble he saw without giving it any thought whatsoever? Maybe he’s spent time wracking his brains to come up with something you’ll really love? Since you haven’t seen the present yet, yes you are BU to have the hump based on price alone.

Why have you had a conversation about how much he's spent on your present?

I think my partner would describe a sweater I bought her a couple of decades ago as one of her favourite gifts. It was marked down to a fiver in a shop and I couldn't believe my luck because as soon as I saw it, I knew she'd love it.

Should I have bought something costing a lot more instead?

Yabu. If you have kids, I hope you don't teach them that the monetary value of a gift is in any way important.

He's a DP? I think when you lavish money on someone like you have him, with the best will in the world, it becomes expected. I wouldnt be booking anymore 4k trips away for him anymore thats for sure.

Oh and he should be contributing to holidays too if you aren't married and he's going on them.

This is one of the grabbiest things I think I’ve had the misfortune to read. A present is only decent if it costs.

You say previous presents have been thoughtful. What sort of things has he bought for you on previous birthdays?

What amount would be acceptable or what present would you ideally expect/like? You sound a little resentful because you've spent so much on a weekend away, but maybe this makes it difficult for him to know what to get you?

You’re equating love and care with the amount of money spent. To me £100 is a lot of money to spend on a gift. If you want to spend 4k on a trip, that’s your choice. I prefer to have someone show they care through their day to day actions, not by the lavishness of a gift.

It sounds as if you value expense rather than thought. He doesn't feel the same way. You're incompatible with gift-giving.

You like splashing out; find someone else who does the same.

Yes, the ops focus is on how much, not the gift itself, she tells us how much she spent, how much is spent on her, the higher the cost the better the present. Which is fine, she’s materialistic, cost is key to her, and he clearly knows as he’s having to tell her how much and asking if it’s enough.

its icky but she is who she is.

op, how much is enough, just decide and tell him or ask for the cash,

I think £80 is quite a lot for a gift.

Sounds like you’re equating the value of the gifts he gives you with how much he loves you. This is the wrong attitude - money spent does not equal the amount someone cares. Extremely thoughtful gifts can be inexpensive, extremely expensive gifts can be bought without much effort or thought.

In over 20 years of (happy) marriage the amount we’ve spent on each other has varied massively depending on what the other person wants or needs - it could be £50, it could be over £1,000 on a few occasions, and anything in between. Never once has anyone been upset because we don’t see gifts as an indicator of how strong our relationship is. We’re not the types to tell other people about how we’ve been spoilt or show off on social media either, this seems to be important to some people.

I would absolutely not expect someone to buy me a present from their savings, that’s mad. A salary of £55k and only £6k in savings is not actually that much, even if there’s no mortgage to pay. Also, why has he told you how much he’s spent in advance of your birthday? Did you ask him?

I honestly don't give much of a crap about how much people spend on me. I'm a bookworm and books aren't that costly but if someone have the presence of mind to seek out a book I'd mentioned I want to read, I'd see that as an incredibly thoughtful gift.

For me what counts more is what my loved ones do the year round, are they showing me the same love and care I show them, are they pulling their weight in the family?

If they weren't then they could spend £44k and take me round the world, it wouldn't make up for it.

I prefer things I've bought for myself cos I've worked for them, so they mean more.

Is he otherwise good to you OP?

For me the value doesn't matter, it's the thought that goes into it that counts

If you think love is in any way related to money.. then I feel sorry for you.

For context

i earn £55k and my husband earns £45k…we’ve paid our mortgage off and live in a relatively inexpensive area and we don’t spend more than £50 on birthdays for each other.

we each have about £40k in savings.

we just don’t see the point in elaborate gifts

You sound extremely materialistic and view love in terms of money. Not a good trait.

I guess you're using your resources on him but he's not. Does the home belong to you or did you put more money in than him?
I wouldn't be subsidizing him.

If you want something specific then tell him - I'd love a night in a hotel together for my bday, I'd love to go to x restaurant, I'd love a couples massage at this hotel spa etc etc

You're right that he CAN afford it if he's got no rent or mortgage to pay

I agree. I would say proportionally pay for school feels is fairer.

I disagree

Money is a resource and op is clearly sharing all of hers with her DP so why not on her birthday expect him to put his hand in his pocket for once in his life

What he spends on you and how much he values you are not the same thing.

Some people are lavish, grand gestures people. Others are modest gift-givers but show how they care in a million other ways.