To think that I should get a decent birthday present?

[Northerngirl345]

Ladies,

I know I’m going to get flamed here.

BUT, if your DP earns £55k and has £6k of personal savings in his account (and you have no mortgage because earlier investments have paid off)…should you get birthday presents that total more than £80?

I’ve just spend £4k on a luxury long weekend for us both (granted, I earn more).

Is he taking the piss? Has he gone off me?

I know the total amount because he just added it up (it’s not my birthday yet) and said, is that not enough?

So:

YABU - stop being a princess
YANBU - he’s taking the piss

Your DH has remembered your birthday! And has bought you a present.
You honestly don't know how lucky you are.
This year, mine " Got the day wrong" so I didn't even get a "Happy birthday." It's 2 days after his dad's, so there's a clue!
It's not the first time. One year when he forgot ( excuse- busy at work) he said he'd take me out for a meal at the Chinese.18 months later, we went.
So, op I'm quite jealous.😂

It's OK for other women to have a higher bar than you do. In fact it's healthier. You don't have to be an after-thought and laugh along.

I think it's fine. We don't spend lots on each other because we tend to buy things as we need them so don't spend on excessive gifts for the sake of it.

I think £80 is perfectly generous, and I don't think 6k savings is a huge amount.

You are being a princess. I assume you wanted to spend the 4k on the joint trip?

Spot On

What the gift was would matter more to me. Art Deco jewellery worth £80 would mean far more to me than an expensive handbag.

I think you sound ridiculous. It’s not about money. It’s the thought behind it. Also, you shouldn’t give to receive - it was your choice to book a luxury break away. £6k isn’t a lot of savings - you want him to blow that on something flashy? This whole post feels icky.

I think £80 is tight. I agree with the love language thing but still I absolutely don't think you're being grabby or anything. He shouldn't have told you what he spent. It should be about time and thought. And if you earn plenty, that will generally include more money (not necessarily - depending on time together/expectations/ conversations etc)

If you hadn't spent £4k on a weekend break you would have savings too. I don't get why you think if he has saved money it should be spent on you for something you don't want or need just for the value.

You sound superficial. Is this more about being able to brag to others about your gift? I know people who are too concerned with telling others what they plan to do or what they have have done, to actually live in the moment. Be present and enjoy FFS.

Once again, I used poor wording in my original post. £6k is what he has in his current account (before he gets paid). We have joint savings totally a good deal more for rainy days etc.

Not at all. My pet peeve is people that weirdly lay out/line up their gifts and take a photo so it can go on Facebook/Insta with the awful caption “the boy did good”. 🤢🤢🤢

I don’t have the sort of friends who’d ask what I got (thinking about it, I don’t ask them).

I would hate to have to buy presents for you. No consideration of the present itself, how much thought or effort went in to it or how much pleasure it will bring....just How much did it cost?

Tacky !

I totally disagree with all of the criticism you are getting OP. Essentially you are saying we are at a stage of life where we do have spare money and my husband and children enjoy and encourage my very generous and thoughtful spending on them. Clearly you actively enjoy ensuring they are happy and delighted with their gifts but even so you are not unreasonable to desire a similar experience back, especially when finances are not an issue.
When you speak about the ‘just right’ mug that resonates with me but no you should not always end up with one partner happily receiving large gifts whilst not reciprocating with either thoughtfulness or money. It sounds as though your husband knows he is not being fair so wants you to pre approve/justify his (lack of) thought and spend to assuage his guilt.
It’s a very unbalanced dynamic and I totally understand why you feel hurt.
Perhaps rein in your own spend, definitely encourage your husband to actively participate in choosing and funding gifts for the children and be a bit more directive regarding a few things you might appreciate so he can choose something you will like.
The thing is £80 is definitely a decent spend so it can make you appear a bit grabby but not when compared with £4000 and I bet you bought him a gift too!
You both need more balance and an honest discussion on how much is an ‘appropriate’ spend. Also DH needs to contribute to more than just bills, it does sound as though he is taking advantage a bit.

Kim there are people that are dying

I mean this kindly, but just because your bar is low, doesn’t mean other women are lucky, they just have a higher bar.

OP, I really think you need to stop spoiling everyone else with such huge treats as of course you’re bound to start feeling resentful when they don’t make the same effort with you. Keep gidfts for your husband on the smaller side, in-line with what he gets you, and spoil yourself when you want to instead.

I agree @Naunet it’s only natural she will end up feeling hard done by. People are kidding themselves on if they are acting they wouldn’t feel the same at the lack of reciprocity @Northerngirl345 definitely needs to scale back on gifts for her husband.

I got an old friend (who wasn’t working at the time) a really thoughtful present for a big birthday costing £250 ( it was her travel fare to go see her family who she missed badly but couldn’t afford to see ) and she was gushing all over it.

My milestone came (she was working by then) and it was nothing for me .Not even a card or a box of chocs.

I’d often get her kids bday presents too over the years, then she would barely send me a text on mine ( would forget half the time).

After a few years I finally wised up and she and her kids get nothing now. Not even a text.

May sound harsh but if someone reckons a certain treatment is good enough for you they shouldn’t mind receiving it themselves surely? 😌

I feel much better for having matched her energy lol

Perhaps rein in your own spend, definitely encourage your husband to actively participate in choosing and funding gifts for the children and be a bit more directive regarding a few things you might appreciate so he can choose something you will like.
The thing is £80 is definitely a decent spend so it can make you appear a bit grabby but not when compared with £4000 and I bet you bought him a gift too!
You both need more balance and an honest discussion on how much is an ‘appropriate’ spend. Also DH needs to contribute to more than just bills, it does sound as though he is taking advantage a bit.

excellent post @Firethehorse especially this part.

I don’t know if I’ve missed it OP, but you don’t seem to have addressed why he is only contributing to bills. Also remember MN is quite unusual in that it’s a place where people scoff at adults celebrating their own birthday or normalise their husbands doing nothing for theirs 😬so bear that in mind as you read all the YABUs.

Totally agree.
It sounds like it is a one way street in your house.
That 4k would work hard in your pension for you.

Sounds just like my late OH, I got a Terry's chocolate orange for by 50th, not just a bit tight even for a Yorkshireman but he knew I loathe chocolate oranges, our first Christmas after we married as very skint students I got Robert Carrier cooking cards, I'd never heard of most of the ingredients.
He did seriously lack imagination though, one year in desperation I suggested that we each bought and wrapped a present for ourselves, on Christmas morning the surprise was in what we were giving rather than receiving, A couple of days before Christmas he moaned that he had no idea what to buy himself!

If they're thoughtful gifts then the price shouldn't come in to it. Just because you have money doesn't mean you have to spend it on expensive presents. You sound a bit grabby. I'd appreciate anything my DH bought me if it's given with love & he's put thought in to it.

4k on a long weekend? That's insulting to us who struggle to pay bills! You must have more money than sense.

No idea why I’m continuing this but….

DP and I own our house outright because we both owned houses when we met (in a more expensive area) so when we bought a house together in a cheaper area, we didn’t need a mortgage. We’re very lucky on that front.
Our bills aren’t super high, they’re split 50/50. Pensions are good (public sector) and we have a good chunk of savings because I had shares from when I worked in the private sector and he had an inheritance.

I have (recently) started to earn more and enjoy treating my family. Which is probably why I sound a bit crass because I’m giddy with the excitement of it all.