To think that I should get a decent birthday present?

[Northerngirl345]

Ladies,

I know I’m going to get flamed here.

BUT, if your DP earns £55k and has £6k of personal savings in his account (and you have no mortgage because earlier investments have paid off)…should you get birthday presents that total more than £80?

I’ve just spend £4k on a luxury long weekend for us both (granted, I earn more).

Is he taking the piss? Has he gone off me?

I know the total amount because he just added it up (it’s not my birthday yet) and said, is that not enough?

So:

YABU - stop being a princess
YANBU - he’s taking the piss

Best present I’ve ever had (which cemented our early relationship) was £2.50. It was simply so thoughtful it made me sob. So yes, YABU if you judge on cost alone.
However if it turns out to be a posh set of screwdrivers (2018 total fail, OK I wanted some BUT!) then go ahead and complain all you like 😁

We have a separate savings pot for things that might go wrong/emergencies/employment gaps etc. Home improvements all completed this year. What’s in his account is “his”.

I paid for the weekend away as it’s somewhere DP has always wanted to go. I know £4k is a lot but I knew it would make him so happy. Not a birthday gift, just something for him to look forward to as he’d had a rough time with work.

He shouldn’t be dipping into savings for a birthday present. YABVU to think that.

Obviously it’s not about the money blah blah blah BUT my gauge is whether what DH spends on me reflects his general spending habits. If he’s off to Prada and buys me Primark, I’m not happy. I think it’s a mark of respect and consideration that a partner treats you as they would themselves.

So, for me, whether you are being unreasonable depends on whether what he spent on your birthday present is reflective of his general spending. To never be short of money on 55k he must be quite cautious with his disposable income.

He’s not short of money because we have no mortgage and because I pay for the big costs (holidays, home improvements, school fees). He pays half of the normal bills. So 2/3 of his income is his own.

But does he spend a lot of money on himself? It’s about how he views his disposable income.

No, I guess not. I suppose, if I’m honest, I just feel like he’s taking the piss, letting me “treat” him but not doing the same in return.

Probably makes more sense if I just treat myself and don’t go too wild when it’s his birthday.

No. It's fine. Is it early days? Do you envisage staying with him/her?

Not early days. We own a house etc. Kids.

Knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing springs to mind reading this thread

I earn more than your husband. Just realised I wrote a letter to my husband this year as voucher for an activity and we’ve not done it and now it’s sold out 🤦🏻‍♀️

in your case , if what you are getting is something you wanted / needed then why spend more ? Spending more it’s not an indication of loving / caring more really.

I totally agree with this, I’ve had some wonderful low value but thoughtful gifts that I cherish. OP you sound a bit of a princess tbh.

Why are you spending 4k on a weekend away and then expecting that you should be getting expensive presents . Why do you feel they should replicate it back?

I just paid 75% of our summer hols , I don’t feel my husband has to spend the same as me for me to be happy. I did it because I wanted. Spend the money you want, but stop feeling others have to do the same

You all make excellent points. Years ago, he bought me a mug because of a private joke and I treasured it.

I will reserve judgement until I have seen the gifts because maybe they will be as brilliant as that mug.

Or, it’s a double bluff and maybe there are diamonds after all and I’ll feel silly.

£6k of personal savings is irrelevant - gifts shouldn't be bought from savings if it can be avoided. For me, it would depend on how thoughtful the gift was. My favourite ever present was a special edition of my most favourite book - which would have been about £20. It was the thought that had gone into it that was important and I treasure it years later. Even when I get hold of a first edition, they'll both be of equal value to me.

Hmmmm

I think the present isn't the point. There might be two things going on - one that as mum you "treat" everyone else...but who treats you? How have his gifts been? Generally thoughtful and touching? Or a bit penny pinching and mean? Presumably more of the latter than the former or you wouldn't worry. Also...why is he telling you how much he spent, but not what he got you? Is it because he knows you think he's a bit mean with you, and you're likely to be disappointed?

I agree with others that you shouldn't use savings for presents - generally- but if he's able to save every month that's a bit moot.

I wonder if you need to reevaluate your financial contributions. You say 2/3 of his money is his own. How much of yours is your own? Are you living within your means? Do you have enough put by - personally? I don't know if these are the right questions but I wonder if there's a reason you feel hard done by when it comes to presents...what it's really reflecting

£80 sounds totally normal to me. As a PP said, it sounds like this is part of a bigger issue. If you're able to spend 4k on a present and you have kids together are finances fairly split? If he spent 4k he would wipe over half his savings.

I think it’s probably different values rather than he dosent care about you . Some people are just not that bothered about the price of things and don’t see it as a representation of how much they love you. It’s my birthday tomorrow . I am not bothered about any presents I buy myself anything I want I do care that my DH will make an effort to organise a lunch out but that is it. I am sure I will get presents but they won’t be extravagant and no where near representative of our wealth so it is not a money issue we are just not that bothered about material things

You can take a friend on the next weekend away. Or this one if his gift isn’t thoughtful. A 4K weekend somewhere he really wants to go just because he’s been having it tough is pretty thoughtful so I can see how you’re feeling it’s unbalanced. Tell him you’ve swapped it out to taking him somewhere he likes for dinner as that’s the level of thoughtful your relationship is at, and your friend will LOVE this trip.

I wouldn’t be blowing 4k on a weekend if I only had 6k in savings.

I think £80 is fine.

I hope you like your present. It does sound as if you have quite different incomes and spending styles. I’d say he’s doing what’s in character for him so wouldn’t be offended by that.

Where there’s a huge disparity in incomes, things like this can be difficult to navigate. But given you do a lot of the heavy lifting financially, I do see where you’re coming from (said as by far the lower earner in my relationship).

His savings are exactly that, savings, not a birthday present fund.
You want diamonds? Perhaps you should have spent some of that 4K on them? Are some women (still) expecting people to buy them diamonds as a standard birthday present? 🫣

Not poor phrasing, it's another 'if you don't spend ££££££££S on me at certain times of the year, you obviously don't love me, even though I always spend millions on you, and a small gift in this col crisis doesn't cut the mustard" post

Crikey - I think that sounds grabby and materialistic.

He didn't ask you to spend £4k on a weekend!

This
In spades
Sensible enough to know that money doesn't mirror affection, and that random gifts show love and the strength of relationship
This is the pp to listen to, @Northerngirl345

It sounds as if you have some self-esteem issues, or that somehow you have managed to conflate money with affection.
Even if a person had a million in savings, or 30p, what they buy is irrelevant.