To think that I should get a decent birthday present?

[Northerngirl345]

Ladies,

I know I’m going to get flamed here.

BUT, if your DP earns £55k and has £6k of personal savings in his account (and you have no mortgage because earlier investments have paid off)…should you get birthday presents that total more than £80?

I’ve just spend £4k on a luxury long weekend for us both (granted, I earn more).

Is he taking the piss? Has he gone off me?

I know the total amount because he just added it up (it’s not my birthday yet) and said, is that not enough?

So:

YABU - stop being a princess
YANBU - he’s taking the piss

We don’t even do gifts most of the time! I wouldn’t want my dp to spend that much on me and we both earn higher with more in savings, possibly because we don’t waste money for the sake of it

I’ve already said thanks for everyone’s input on this and I’ve been really clear that I will take everything on board and be less of a princess.

But, to clarify a few things.

1. I’ve done that “love language” quiz a few times over the years and gifts always comes last. Genuinely, it’s only fuss on my birthday that I have a thing about.

2. My lovely DP knew, I think, that whatever he had bought/planned hadn’t quite hit the mark and has been planning all week and now feels much more cheerful because he is now of the opinion that he has “nailed it”.

3. We did plan the infamous £4k weekend together because it’s somewhere he’d love to go (I have been a few times). He has offered to contribute but I said it was my treat as it alls around the time of his birthday. I also organised someone to have the kids/animals. Because he really deserves it.

In summary, maybe I was being a princess/diva/arsehole but all’s well that ends well.

For me it is about if the person has made you feel like they put thought into the gift and to demonstrate how much they care. Wait and see what you get as it may be the present feels very special, it doesn't have to cost a lot.
Or they might be like my toxic ex who asked what book I'd like for my birthday, then told me they wouldn't be sure they'd get the right one so asked me to pop in the shop and buy it, they gave me the cash (£6...) then gave it to me on my birthday still in the bag it came in, not even wrapped. I didn't care about the fact they spent just £6 on me, it was the total lack of effort to make me feel important that meant this was the beginning of the end of that relationship...

How grabby does this sound and very shallow.

Just had my birthday. DH spent £20ish and it was just the thing and so sweet and considered.

In truth, I don't even need a present on my birthday because I am a GROWN UP.

Sort yourself out.

Well, the 4k weekend is an anomaly really as you don't usually do that and it was for both of you. Having said that, £80 is a bit low considering how much disposable income he has if you're both used to spending and getting a lot. I guess he just saw things you like and bought them, and they happened to come to that much. He has a different approach to you as you clearly like to splash out and be very generous. In future, I think I would not spend as much on him if you feel disappointed when it's not reciprocated.

We tend to do £100 for each other but we aren’t as flush as you. Is it possible he just doesn’t see the point in buying you something mega expensive when you can buy what you want when you want it? I do get that you want something that’s ’from him’ but something that has some thought behind it could cost less or more than £80 so I guess it depends on the gift.

Ick.

you sound like my financially controlling ex

£6k is not a lot of savings

My Ex (note Ex), a bank manager, paid an enormous amount to join a prestigious golf club
At the time we were short of money (supposedly) and were all sleeping on mattresses on the floor. When my birthday came around shortly after he bought me a tiny box of cheap chocolates. I don’t think £80 is altogether unreaonable.

I’m not someone who really cares about what birthday presents I get, so obviously will have a different view to you.

You said they were thoughtful. That would be great. A nice thoughtful gift, doesn’t have to be expensive at all. Also £80 is quite a lot to spend on an adults birthday present. Surely if you need anything you just buy it yourself so why does it matter how much the gift costs as long as it’s something you like.

You're totally obsessed with money and entitlement - this never leads happiness. Try to focus on the more important things in life.

Life should be about being kind, thoughtful and having fun - not by how much you spend on a present or what you have in your bank account - particularly at a time when so many folk are really struggling financially and there is so much misery and poverty in our world.

To be honest, your post made me fume.

I'm of the age that I would rather not have a birthday. And people who nitpick over birthday presents are really silly. I'd rather have somebody do something for me then give me something I had just have to find room for...

I get what I've asked for, one time I let him choose I got a power tool. One year I asked for a 6" ruler and a bit of cake decorating kit, this year a gold necklace. We don't really think about the money side so long as we can afford it. In fairness to him though, this year on Mother's day he gave me something I've never asked for but have wanted for most of my adult life. I was beyond thrilled. He rarely wants anything but is allergic to clothes shopping so very easy to buy for.

It would have been nice if you’d read my updates.

I’m sorry my post made you so cross.

You sound entitled. You've no idea what it is yet.

Admittedly I spent more than £80 total on my partner this year, but her favourite gift cost £30 and according to her she would have been thrilled to just get that.

Perhaps think more about the value of things rather than the cost.

I hate the narrative of spending money = proof of love.

That's why I end up with bags and bags of Temu plastic shite every Christmas for my kids because the bigger the pile, the more money spent, the more it shows love, right?

No!

How and why do you even know what amount he has spent yet if you haven't even had the gift yet? Are you badgering him asking what he has got and what he has spent? That sounds even worse than complaining that he hasn't spent enough after the fact.

I haven't read the whole thread

For me the saddest thing is that he felt he had to check with you that he'd spent enough

Bless him.....how bloody awful for him

And you keep banging on about how generous you are ....well, bully for you

Gift giving isn't transactional.....no one is forcing you to spend £4k on a holiday.

If I were your DP I'd rather you kept your gift buying to sub £100 so that your passive aggressive guilt tripping can stay well hidden

I've just seen your back tracking update post

I still stand by what I think

The best present I ever received was a £9 piece of paper.

I had two unusual pets and this piece of paper is a page from an artists first edition book and has both of these pets on the same page. The frame cost more than page. But the thought that went into it makes it priceless.

So based on that anecdote I'm afraid I'm also in the princess camp.

Missed the update. Glad it's sorted

I think it depends on what the gift is. £80 of tat or £80 on a thoughtful gift just for you. £80 on champagne and a couple nice glasses served in bed with a lovely breakfast or £80 on lots of underwhelming t shirts? The cost actually tells you nothing about the gifts so this is a weird thread.

£80 seems fine to me, thought not expense counts - a really thoughtful £25 gift is better than a £250 throw money at it gift you don't want