To think that I should get a decent birthday present?

[Northerngirl345]

Ladies,

I know I’m going to get flamed here.

BUT, if your DP earns £55k and has £6k of personal savings in his account (and you have no mortgage because earlier investments have paid off)…should you get birthday presents that total more than £80?

I’ve just spend £4k on a luxury long weekend for us both (granted, I earn more).

Is he taking the piss? Has he gone off me?

I know the total amount because he just added it up (it’s not my birthday yet) and said, is that not enough?

So:

YABU - stop being a princess
YANBU - he’s taking the piss

I think the bit where you say your parents were spenders but didn’t have any money is very telling. Your parents spent beyond their means, and you equate spending money with love.

Your DH was presumably raised differently. My partner spend anywhere between 30 to 100 on each other. I earn slightly less than your husband. I love Martin Lewis’ Christmas campaign to get people to stop buying adults Christmas gifts for the stress is causes and waste.

I don’t think it’s a good habit to get your children into, it’s not teaching sensible money habits.

does a couple who are married after 4 months relationship have more status than a non married couple that have been together for over 20 years? When it comes to giving gifts I don’t see the relevance here

I don’t really celebrate my birthday much, certainly not by monetary values. But yes, 80 quid is bloody tight.

Just going to add - following on from my previous PP - the birthday ‘gift’ for £4k cost more than the DP’s take home pay for a month.

There is another thread where a woman is spending excessive amounts on her BF of 8m, including a trip to Egypt etc. The feeling there was that the BF should run a mile because she was trying to buy his affection and he would constantly have his nose rubbed in the fact that he cannot match up to her generosity, that it created a power imbalance and makes the recipient feel beholden to the giver. The gifts were about what the OP in that thread felt about herself, about her needs, not about the BF.

I truly think OP needs to reframe what gifts are meant to represent and the fact that they should be for the recipient’s benefit and pleasure and not, vicariously, for her own. Playing lady bountiful with your own DP is quite toxic, no one wants to be treated as a beneficiary of conspicuous generosity - especially if it is being used to benchmark reciprocation.

If you have no mortgage and he is earning 55k and only has 6k on savings then he is right only spending 80 on a birthday present. 6k isn’t even a suitable emergency fund for most households. You don’t even know what the gift is and you’re not happy because of the cost. How materialistic.

Sounds like you’re being a princess to me. I also don’t think “savings” are for buying birthday presents, but that’s just a personal opinion.
I’d much rather I had a well thought out gift that actually meant something than someone just throwing money at the issue.

£6k based on your DPs salary is more an emergency fund than comfortably having savings. If he was made redundant for example, that would perhaps be 2-3 months of income maximum. May have no mortgage and a joint account, but it’s very reasonable to want your own individual comfort blanket and not dip into that if joint savings are to cover
bills, council tax, food and other joint expenditure. On that basis, it would be unreasonable for you to expect him to reduce this level of savings by a substantial degree for a birthday present in my view.

it’s your choice to spend what you want to in his birthday and vice versa. If you want to equal the playing field in this area you need to talk to each other, or just accept that this is his budget for your present based on his circumstances and appreciate the thought that has gone into it rather than the monetary cost.

I earn a lot more than my partner. We go for small gifts. I do pay for our holidays atm but otberwise we woukdnt go on one. So I pay for them. I actually pay for most atuff but that becuase my take home pay is 5 x more than his. He buys what he can and we both do small gifts for birthdays and xmas. 100 quid tops. His 6 k in savings probably took him a long time to save on 55k a year. Maybe hes rainy day saving in case you leave him for a rich man?!

Good job you’re not with my partner ….. gifts I’ve received have been a new garden gate,a sideboard, a reel of cable, gym membership all on different occasions and he did once ask me if the new toilet seat counted as a gift !!
he’s a lovely man and not mean with money in any way just lacks in imagination !!

To be completely honest, you sound like your moaning in a spoilt way. Love isn't measured in money; it's the thought that counts. Also, as an adult who can spend £4k on a weekend away, clearly you can probably buy anything for yourself that you want.

Woah, how the other half live! 4 grand is alot for a weekend. Maybe he thinks coz you are a spender he should be frugal with money? Imagine you both payed 4 grand each for each other's birthdays, there would be no savings! I think £80 for a birthday is more than enough, not everyone thinks the value of something that's important. It's the thought and effort that goes in to it.

If you earn more than him then I’m guessing that if you want something in particular or if you see something that takes your fancy then you just buy it yourself without giving it much thought? If that’s the case then a thoughtful, considered purchase is much more meaningful in my opinion, the cost (or lack of it) will s irrelevant.

I can never understated why couples who love together, have been together ages, have kids etc. don’t share all of their money. Me and my husband have a joint account and joint savings. We take a small amount each month out to spend on what we fancy, but each other modest presents etc. but the rest is all joint. That way, if OP wanted an expensive trip for her bday then they could just buy it out if the joint account. Why does she need to be lavished with expensive gifts. Me and my husband spend around £50-150 each at bday/xmas. If one of us wants to buy or do something expensive, we discuss it and use our joint money. We’ve built a life and family together, why have separate savings??

I think there are a few issues here and an unknown gift is not one.

Is he usually generous and thoughtful? An £80 gift could be something he knows will make you light up, though inexpensive.

Are you a showy person who needs to express yourself by way of grand gesture and so can only receive expensive gifts?

Is the relationship a bit unstable, so you're thinking thos is another thing that suggests he's gone off you?

YABU

Just because you're happy to spend a lot of money doesn't mean he is. £80 is a decent amount for a birthday present I think🤷‍♀️ plus you don't even know what it is!

OP, your last post - "couldn't see the carpet for presents", really spoke to me. Your parents didn't have a lot of money but really splashed out on presents at Christmas because it's highly visual and also, highly competitive amongst parents and kids - who spent/got the most?

I wondered if your friendship circle is also comprised of women friends who 'run a tally' of what is spent on them? Some people can't help but do that, it's important to them that no only do they feel that sufficient financial oomph has been awarded to them but also that their friends witness it?

Your relationship sounds nice to me, if you can only align what you and he feel about gift-giving. The holiday is costly yes, but you will also benefit from that and you both will enjoy it. If he were asked to booked a holiday for you both, would he ask you where and pick a 'nice' place or would he go for a bargain? I think as you both have children together perhaps he is thinking that saving for them is the better way - whereas you (from your first post) quite want to be treated as a 'princess'. There's nothing wrong with that, just that if there's a disparity in expectation, you two need to meet in the middle and agree your game plan for spending.

Hope you have a fab holiday!

I don't think my DH has EVER spent as much as £80 on my birthday (and I haven't on him either) - we're token gifts people. I think we would both be a bit pissed off with a lot of money being spent on a 'surprise' they may be hit or miss. Much rather go for a nice meal together. However, we do have a joint account and can pretty much spend what we want (also mortgage free etc).

What’s the reason you’re not married? It’s my birthday next week as well and I would expect more than that from dh

i wouldn’t care how much he did or didn’t spend. I’d care what the present was, I’d be disappointed if it wasn’t something thoughtful etc.

How on earth are you complaining about something that hasn't even happened yet!? PEAK MUMSNET.

Maybe it's just me but £80 sounds about right for someone who earns £55k and has £6k in savings. If he earned £155k and had £60k in savings, I might say differently, but £80 isn't exactly nothing.

Skint or not you sound ungrateful brat. It’s the thought that counts.

Why would anyone tell anyone else how much they’ve spent on their presents? Where I come from this is par with… I don’t know, asking what someone wished when they blew the candles? Just something that’s really not done, people takes prices off gifts for a reason.

Secondly, sounds like gift giving may be your love language?

Personally for me a text message/ breakfast out and a card is perfectly sufficient as I value time and attention over £££ - and we aren’t poor. A £80 thoughtful gift would be amazing. A more expensive thoughtful personal gift would blow my mind but also put pressure on me to respond with the same/ feel like I owe them something. Based on my values, essentially I wouldn’t like a gift that’s over £100, it’s too much pressure on the receiver (and the giver to get it right). Maybe he thinks similar.

Wow.

We are very comfortably financially, have a high spending lifestyle and unless I want something specific (which I will specifically ask for, and my husband would happily buy me, although we have joint money anyway) I insist he caps it at £20 for Mothers’ Day, £50 Christmas and birthday.

You are being an absolute diva!

You should have gone halves on the weekend away (or one within his budget), appreciated his gifts and spent in line with that on him too.

I can’t abide people who attach a financial value to love and affection.

We do this too. It works well.