To think that I should get a decent birthday present?

[Northerngirl345]

Ladies,

I know I’m going to get flamed here.

BUT, if your DP earns £55k and has £6k of personal savings in his account (and you have no mortgage because earlier investments have paid off)…should you get birthday presents that total more than £80?

I’ve just spend £4k on a luxury long weekend for us both (granted, I earn more).

Is he taking the piss? Has he gone off me?

I know the total amount because he just added it up (it’s not my birthday yet) and said, is that not enough?

So:

YABU - stop being a princess
YANBU - he’s taking the piss

£80 is plenty esp for an adult. I find the obsession of some grown ups about their birthday weird. the way you lay out the finances... don't know. makes it sound all so transactional. Odd

If my DH was in a huff because, before his birthday and without having a clue what I got, he thought I hadn’t spent ‘enough’ I would be extremely angry/upset/frustrated/bemused.

I can understand you feeling upset about a ‘mismatch’ but unless he ‘demanded’ a £4k treat and then spent £80 on thoughtless rubbish, I think it is your expectations that need to change.

Omg; i think you are digging your own fire pit here...
I don't think I've come across such an attitude in anyone before. But then again, I would give anyone with such an attitude the widest berth in the history of berths
That poor man, spending on holidays and your home rather tham smellies and danglies for you
Bastard. Leave him immediately!

Why do you pay so much more. Are you on significantly more than him. And really truly high income money?

it sounds like you have different ways of showing love and appreciation because a £4k weekend away just because he’s having a hard time at work sounds very excessive to me.
does he show you the same concerns / caring about you but just not in monetary terms? Would he recognise if you were having a tough time and do something nice for you?

if you’re not on mega money then have a look at why you pay so much more than him and if he doesn’t show up for you in other ways then talk to him about it (and maybe scale back the buying of his love)

'You will reserve judgement'
Just after you've plastered his 'stinginess' and bank balance on a public forum????

Depends on how much thought has gone into the gift not the amount of money spent

This. It’s embarrassing OP, you sound like a spoiled brat.

😂

Tbh, I'd far rather my partner bought le something meaningful for £80 than a generic expensive perfume and earrings gift because 'that's what women like for their birthday'.

On my last birthday, my partner brought me a £50 owl handling experience because I love owls. We didn't even end up doing it because we couldn't make the date in the end - something came up.

IME, people who 'lavish' gifts on others say they don't expect the same in return but do have high expectations fo the gifts they do receive.

The monetary value of a gift means nothing to me. I'd far rather something thoughtful and meaningful that shows they know me.

Think about whether you'd prefer something carefully chosen and meaningful for £80 or an item/experience you hate for £4k.

I don't want anything that I have to wear, use or display in my home that I've not chosen myself and if I have to tell someone what I want it's not a gift to me. If someone else chooses the thing then chances of it being right are low.

Therefore I'd much rather have something cheap and meaningful or indeed nothing at all than something expensive that's just going to make me think waste of money when I see it.

You have plenty of money. Buy the things you want when you decide you want them. Use special occasions to exchange little meaningful trinkets that show you really love and care about each other. Cost is not a good measure of a decent gift.

Cross posted with @GreyCarpet. Great minds.

But the £80 gift could be nice

No, I guess not. I suppose, if I’m honest, I just feel like he’s taking the piss, letting me “treat” him but not doing the same in return.

I'd feel very uncomfortable if someone spent 4k on a weekend away for me just because I'd been having a tough time at work.

I'd be furious if that decision they had made on their own now dictated their future expectations of me.

You wanted to spend 4k on a weekend away so you did. That shouldn't gave any bearing on what you now expect from him..

More expensive doesn't equal more love, more thought, more consideration or more respect. It just means greater profits for someone else. That's all.

People make heavy weather of gifts on here imo. Even the "it's the thought that counts" people. I adore my dh. He's the person I want to spend my life with, my happy times with and my sad times with. Can I always think of some way to adequately express that through commerce? No. Occasionally something perfect springs to mind. Occasionally I splurge on something he could do with or might appreciate but most of the time I buy gig tickets that we both benefit from, and chocolate and wine he shares with me. I haven't gone off him in those years. It just isn't ultimately very important.

Do you earn a lot more than him, then? Why the disparity in what you pay for?

His wage is ok but not enormous, how long has it taken for him to build his savings? With £6k in savings, and him not spending much on himself anyway, £80 doesn’t sound way out. Tbh spending £4k for a birthday is way way more unusual than spending £80. To the extent that I’d find it uncomfortable if I was him!

Why did he tell you how much he spent? That's weird. And why does he only have £6k in savings if you're mortgage free? I earn the same as him but I have a mortgage and I have more than that saved. Is he bad with money?

Tell him about the perfume you would like, if that's what you want. We earn considerably more than £55k, and just tend to buy each other token gifts, unless there is something we specifically want.
£6k savings actually isn't a lot, on his wages it would be fall back money representing a couple of months wages if he became out of work. You can't compare a weekend costing £4k , which represents 2/3 of his life savings.

A holiday that you are also going in isnt really a gift. It is just a joint holiday

£80 is fine if it is something you like. My best gifts have often been under £10 a they are thoughtful rather than blowing £000s on a gift with no thought

We give token gifts as we have joint money. You share a house and children so why not share your money? Not doing so seems to so often cause tensions and bitterness.

If there’s something you want maybe, but no need to spend for the hell of it. I hate spending on my wife as she rarely likes what I get (she’s crap at buying me stuff too) so tokens are great as low risk of waste.

Whÿ? We are both high earners and have never bought each other anything "because it i expensive " we often buy each other things that are thoughtful (often cheap) with no monetary value why do you feel you need the right price tag

You can't give someone something ridiculously expensive and then get angry when they don't do the same back. It's not up to you alone to decide how the present giving should look. It's quite freeing to not have the pressure to buy expensive stuff for each other as the expectations gets so high and it's bound to lead to disappointment. Me and my ex-h were on over £200K a year combined and we never spent more than maybe £70-£80 on each other for our birthdays. If we wanted a weekend trip we'd treat it as a holiday and not a present.

Yabu. It's not the cost of the present but the thought. £80 sounds a lot for an adult birthday present. Dh and I usually spend £30 on something we need ..eg a new top, jeans etc.

I think £6k in savings isn’t actually a great deal for someone at your Dps life stage. I think the issue isn’t really how much he’s spent but the fact that you would like to feel a bit spoiled on your birthday? Perhaps if he said to you, I’ve booked a baby sitter for the night, put something nice on and also he got you a sweet present this would feel better to you?
With my dp, he started a tradition with me from the first year together of taking me out for a surprise on my birthday - so far it’s been spa day and over night stay, theatre, afternoon tea at a very posh place … and always a gift for about £50. I earn more than him . I do the same and so it’s the actual doing something special together that is the “present” as we are child free ( hace kids from prev marriage) and have something enjoyable booked for us and can enjoy each others time.
it sounds like you are doing this already by booking your weekend away for him which is thoughtful of you. Does he appreciate this gesture of yours? Just as you have been described as “grabby” it would be interesting to see how he receives presents and treats from you too?

Is the bigger problem that you pay for pretty much everything? He pays half the bills, but he earns enough to also contribute to holidays/the kids etc. He may also be spending less on you than you would want because he is in the mindset that if you want something you'll pay for it, because that's how things are generally with the finances