To think that I should get a decent birthday present?

[Northerngirl345]

Ladies,

I know I’m going to get flamed here.

BUT, if your DP earns £55k and has £6k of personal savings in his account (and you have no mortgage because earlier investments have paid off)…should you get birthday presents that total more than £80?

I’ve just spend £4k on a luxury long weekend for us both (granted, I earn more).

Is he taking the piss? Has he gone off me?

I know the total amount because he just added it up (it’s not my birthday yet) and said, is that not enough?

So:

YABU - stop being a princess
YANBU - he’s taking the piss

Probably makes more sense if I just treat myself and don’t go too wild when it’s his birthday.

Yes spend similar amounts on him. It’s much better that way. Maybe he just doesn’t see the point in spending loads on gifts which is fine but he should then be happy with you not spending a lot either. I think some people are being a bit disingenuous here though. It doesn’t speak well of him that he’s implicitly encouraging you to spend a lot on him while keeping his budget low for you. Unless of course he has suggested you don’t spend so much and you’ve ignored it?

Do you earn much more than him? Why are you paying for most of the big purchase? Unless you earn twice as much as him I’d expect him to make some type of proportional contributions to these expenses.

Absolute insanity. Throwing money away.

And yes, OP definitely equates money with love even if she attempts to deny this.

It's gross and materialistic.

Yeah I agree, and if he doesn’t want to reciprocate he should be encouraging her not to spend so much on him. That would be the decent thing.

Curious as to why Op is financing the relationship though. There might be good reason for it but I couldn’t imagine paying for most of the big purchases with a man I’d had kids with unless I significantly out-earned him.

OP, did he pick up the financial slack when you went on maternity?

Him: @Northerngirl345 has lots of money and spends it freely, so there’s no point treating her to something expensive just because it’s expensive. Instead, I’ll show that I really care about her by getting something thoughtful and personal.

You: That’s not expensive enough.

I'm in a similar sort of situation but I think part of the reason is just different "love languages" and I have to remind myself of that.

I really like to celebrate special occasions and treat the birthday person. I organised and paid for a surprise trip abroad for my husband's 40th (somewhere he'd always wanted to go) and organised/paid for a party for his 50th. Although i earn quite a lot more than him now, i didn't in those days. He enjoys and appreciates what I arrange but it never occurs to him to arrange anything special for me.

But he's very much an "acts of service" love language person. He does lots of practical stuff daily, does a lot of cooking, brings me tea in bed etc.

We did go on a trip for my 30th but I had to pretty much spell out this was what i wanted to do, research it etc. Sometimes I think I'd love a beautifully thought out surprise but he's just not like that and I've had to make my peace with it.

I've just had another big birthday and I arranged and paid for my birthday dinner (including hosting some of my friends), arranged and paid for my own birthday party, cake etc (he did willingly buy the champagne for welcome drinks but I had to ask him to) and arranged and paid for a short half term holiday for us and our daughter. Obviously as I earn more it's fair enough and not really about the money but it just niggles a bit sometimes that he never thinks to do anything special. When it's his birthday he gets everything arranged and paid for but when it's my birthday... he gets everything arranged and paid for then too.

I think he assumes that's entirely reasonable as I earn quite a bit more, but he seems to forget he actually earns very well himself and could afford a once a year treat. Though the point I'm trying to make is that it's the assumption that because I've got "more" money he doesn't need to bother giving my birthday any thought. We both took the day off on my birthday and ended up going for a drive/ walk somewhere we go most weekends. If he'd have researched a new/ different walk - all free! - I'd have been delighted but it was OK, I am used to managing my expectations now.

Sorry about that wall of text, I didn't mean it to be so long but I felt you were getting a tough time on this thread and I wanted to get across that this sort of issue is more subtle than just totting up who spent what!

Once DH and I reached the stage where if we wanted anything, we could just buy it and make sure we got exactly the version we wanted, we limited presents to token gifts of up to £10. Over the years we've drifted up to about £30. And, yes, it takes every bit of effort to produce a thoughtful gift for £30 as it does for £80 or £4000.

If we wanted a luxury weekend, we'd plan it together, not one of us spring it on the other.

(Our approach is probably a good one, since both our credit cards are paid from the joint account, not from our own accounts)

If you value things by the cost of them then yes, you'll be disappointed. However this isn't about him being wrong, but about a difference between you in your values.

Thanks for that.

I do think I needed putting back in my box as I suspected I was irrationally cross.

The only reason I knew about the value of the gifts was because he told me. He was essentially telling me that he hadn’t got me very much and I said, “oh I’m sure you have” because I thought he might be panicking that he hadn’t spent thousands (because he knows how much I have spent on him and the kids). He carried on panicking so I said “how much have you spent?” And he said “£80”.

I think I just wanted to gauge if that’s a normal amount. By the sounds of it, I think it probably is.

I’m from a family of spenders (even though my parents had very little money…you couldn’t see the carpet for the amount of presents under the tree at xmas) so I can see this has coloured my view. I also realise I am passing that on to my own kids 🙄

With no mortgage to pay, those savings sound painfully low based on his income (not quite 2 months worth of post tax income ?).

Better to reduce consumption and save more for the day the boiler fails, the car needs to be replaced, the elderly parent that suddenly needs support e.t.c.

Your husband panicking actually shows he cares. You’ve taken the comments on here graciously op, good on you x

As I’ve said before, we have joint savings of a lot more than that to cover for if something goes wrong in the house/someone loses their job. The £6k is what he has sitting in his current account.

Honestly depends what the presents are. If they're really relevant to you personally and if he chose them with care, thought and love.
The most precious thing I have had as a gift from DH is a little silver bangle that likely cost less than twenty quid, but it's engraved with something daft that he says to me when things get hard, and it's priceless to me. He's spent daft money on things in the past which I've appreciated, but the bangle will always be my number 1.
I wouldn't judge till you've seen the things. If it's £80 of tat from Temu though, that's another matter....

The only reason I knew about the value of the gifts was because he told me. He was essentially telling me that he hadn’t got me very much and I said, “oh I’m sure you have” because I thought he might be panicking that he hadn’t spent thousands (because he knows how much I have spent on him and the kids). He carried on panicking so I said “how much have you spent?” And he said “£80”

This whole exchange is odd. It's almost as if he was trying to dangle his lack of spending in your face? Making a point of it. Otherwise why say anything to you? It's not much given the circumstances you have described, and he knows that. Why not just follow his own instincts or spend more to ensure he wasn't being tight?

What do you mean exactly by panicking? Sounds like he was making an issue out of his (modest) spending on you.

I don't really care how much is spent as long as the gift is thoughtful eg I'd be delighted with a book if it's well chosen

I think you are being transactional - because I spent X% of my disposable income on a gift (that I will gaet to share and benefit from) he should do the same with his. Which is wrong.

As another PP said, if he was buying designer items for himself, top brands and this seemed to be his thing, then yeah, I’d be a bit affronted with a cheap and thoughtless gift picked up in Sainsburys or Amazon, but he doesn’t. If he’s good man, loving DP and dad, pays his share of joint expenses then I think you are overthinking this.

You chose to spend that much on a mini break - something that is not actually just for him. He may see it as you treating yourself, in fact, under the guise of it being for his birthday when you could simply have spent £100 on a thoughtful gift that was specifically for him. A gift that doesn’t highlight and broadcast to the world that there is an earning disparity between you.

TBH I think you’ve actually been very insensitive and need to take a look at how you navigate gifts/giving. Maybe some therapy into why you equate love/affection with ££ spent? (I had an abusive parent who used to tell you how much every lavish Xmas gift cost, as if that was supposed to evidence love and make up for 364 days of abuse/neglect - effective when you are a child).

A smaller, personal gift is - imho - more thoughtful. You could have booked the holiday for yourselves as a ‘couples treat’ independent of his birthday at any time with your (much heralded) higher income, so it kind of feels as though you’ve NOT really given him anything.

So I think YABU. He’s not even given you your gift yet and you’re already evaluating it!

This seems a little selfish from your DH. Is being thoughtful and kind women's work?

You went to a lot of thought, I hope he does too, regardless of what was spent. Even if that means making breakfast, your favourite meal, or whatever.

My OH and I have an understanding about things. I would definitely match energy next time.

He earns that and has no mortgage and only has 6 grand in his savings. I smell a rat 🐀

Seems to me he has a streak of meanness in him and mentioned 'panicking' because he wants you to give him the green light for getting crap presents.
I'm also wondering why he only has £6k when he keeps 2/3 of his salary every month. What's he spending it on?

Maybe you need to discuss expectations. Maybe he’s been brought up to value money and not to waste it. He may feel a thoughtful present is important and cost is not the most important thing. Or he may simply be much more careful with money.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe @MumsTheWordYouKnow OP said:

“ we have joint savings of a lot more than that to cover for if something goes wrong in the house/someone loses their job. The £6k is what he has sitting in his current account“

so I’m assuming he puts a lot of his monthly income into the joint account

It’s not clear to me why OP makes all of the “big purchases” including school fees though (assuming she’s not paying them using their joint money ).

Maybe OP earns significantly more so takes financial responsibility for all that, but her partner contributes more to the savings as a result? That’s all fine but I’d say just make sure your partner is contributing proportionately to his income for everything - and match his energy for presents.

This thread makes me feel sad. This is not what gift giving is about at all.

Too much focus on money spent /transactional value 😔

I earn slightly less than £55k but have a lot more than £6k in savings.
My partner and I don't buy each other anything for birthdays or Christmas. Your comment is the perfect example of why we don't buy each other (or anyone else presents).
Regardless of how much thought you put into a present or how much money you spend someone will always either be ungrateful or you will end up buying something someone already has or don't want.
We now just buy things for ourselves instead that way we get what we want.
We do occasionally buy each other presents if we see something the other person will definitely like but then we give it to them straight away.
We don't wait for a birthday or Christmas to give each other presents.

I think I just wanted to gauge if that’s a normal amount. By the sounds of it, I think it probably is

There is no “normal” amount, especially not on MN where these threads attract the most miserably parsimonious of posters.

If you believe birthdays are to be celebrated and gift giving is important, then contrary to the gloomy misers that flock to these threads to crow that such frivolities are for the under tens only, it’s ok to expect more than a cup of tea and a supermarket top.

the problem is where expectations are misaligned and it sounds like your DH doesn’t understand what is important to you.

I agree with this. I think yabu. DH bought me x2 books for my recent birthday and an experience day. I would think £80 is more than enough for a birthday gift.