Jealous of brother and SIL’s very easy baby

[Korner]

Not much more than the title. Brother and SIL had a baby 2 months after dh and I. I wouldn’t say we have a difficult baby but she is not very easygoing. A deviation from her routine and the baby becomes very distressed which means my life is quite stressful ie trying to have a life around naps, baths etc.

Nephew on the other hand is VERY easy. He literally only cries when he needs a bottle/change. Will immediately stop crying if he is given both these things. It means my SIL is always out, make up on and life is barely changed. Last weekend my SIL surprised my brother with a hobby gift. They were only supposed to be out of the house for 3/4 hours but they ended up going home after 7/8 hours as they stayed out for dinner/trip to pub. Nephew just slept! I could never do that with my baby. And he is always happy and laughing. It’s beautiful but my baby is not like that. He must laugh 200x a day.

I thought maybe I was doing some wrong but I’ve had my nephew and he was perfect for me!

Nephew has slept very solidly since being a newborn whilst my baby is regressing right now. Brother and SIL say they are not tired whilst I am exhausted. I wish Inciuld go the gym. My husband is probably more hands on than brother (who is good tbf). They have taken their baby on a five hour plane ride and my mum (was there) said he didn’t cry once and just slept the entire time.

Just jealous. We have such different lifestyles due to temperament of babies.

My 'very easy baby' has additional needs that are deemed by the local authority and NHS to be 'severe'. He now requires 24/7 1-1 care and will do for the rest of his life. So don't waste your emotions being jealous over this, imagine if I were jealous of people with non-disabled children - I'd never be happy. Come on, we're too old for this shit.

I have a baby girl and the only thing I would add is please try not to let having a “difficult baby” put you off still getting out there and doing things. The reality is that as babies they are just as easily dealt with out of the house as they are in the house, I always say to my husband our baby can have her bottle anywhere, she can be held anywhere, she can look at her sensory toys anywhere, if she’s going to cry then she’s going to cry, babies do cry! But it is still worth pushing on and getting out of the house with baby anyway, it will do wonders for you to just be around other people and the crying seems a lot louder when you are shut in the house just the two of you x

I had a very easy baby. The tables turned when he became a toddler. Just you wait 😂

Try not to compare. My first one was a colicky fussy baby. He's now 11 and still emotional and high strung. Whatever he's feeling, the whole world must know it 😄 My 2nd one was an easy baby. But i worry about him more now he's 8. He keeps all his feelings inside and internalises everything. Not good..

Once they've grown up or you have another, you just realise it's all swings and roundabouts. There's no easy peasy way to have kids, an laid back baby might be a nightmare toddler etc.

I have a friend whose baby started sleeping through the night at 4 months old! He's now nearly two and he's JUST started waking up all night long and of course they haven't a clue what to do.

It (whatever it may be) comes to us all!

Anecdotal, I know, but my boy baby was only easier than my girl baby until they could move.

Girl baby was a nightmare sleeper, non-napper, very clingy, used me as a pacifier (wouldn't take an actual pacifier). But has turned into a sensible little creature who potters quite happily and stays close when we're out.

Not saying it will be like this for you but it is often swings and roundabouts with these things, as @CountingCors said.

Oh babe! I hear you. It's tough. My BIL and SIL have just had their first baby (5 years after us) and they've hit the jackpot. She's a dream. Sleeping well, eating well, happy little thing, no complications with the birth, no problems breast feeding, they've been miraculously offered a cottage right next door to their best friends in the world so have childcare on tap. They're not at all overwhelmed or exhausted. They're just sailing through the whole experience. On the one hand I'm genuinely really thrilled for them. It's wonderful to have it easy and just be able to enjoy it. On the other hand after 5 years of them having batshit expectations of us (like 'hey we want you guys at our destination wedding in the Caribbean but your 4 month old isn't welcome at the ceremony' Or 'could you please come and help with our elderly parents? I don't think having a 3 week old who just had jabs is much of an excuse not to come for the weekend' or 'why don't you want to come skiing with your 15 month old? Not that we'll be offering any assistance with childcare' or anything really, they've regularly commented on how annoying it is that we prioritise our children so often) a teeny, tiny sadistic part of me wanted them to finally get it. But no, she's a dream. What can you do! It's okay to feel what you feel, honestly, be kind to yourself xx

DS was like your nephew, a total delight, a chilled, happy, smiley baby who slept well. We thought we were brilliant parents!

Then we had DD. Didn't sleep, screamed, and had epic tantrums as a toddler. In particular she tantrummed if DS got to do anything she was not allowed to do - like climb to the top of the climbing frame. DD was irresistably drawn to anything we deemed dangerous, and we were regulars at A&E. I was constantly exhausted.

Neither of them ever changed. DS took a chilled, relaxed attitude towards things like homework, revision and exams. DD was angry and impatient with herself if she dropped below an A for anything.

DS took a chilled, relaxed attitude towards keeping his room tidy and doing chores. DD was desperate to prove she was old enough and independent enough to cook family meals and iron her own clothes while still in primary school.

DS remained chilled and relaxed through his degree at a red brick university, and got a 2.2. DD got a 2.1 from a Russell Group uni.

DS is still a delight. I love him very much. He has an average job, and rents a nice enough flat. DD has a career, a fancy car and owns (with a mortgage) a very nice house. I love her very much too.

Yup,as @MrsTerryPratchett Its a marathon, not a sprint. They completely change. Honestly, with nephew - we were all convinced, even my SIL and BIL that he was going to be an anti social twat... he's the most social, emotionally intelligent of the extended cousins! DS was the world's most horrendous sleeper.... but everyone is so jealous of how he eats anything and everything and has never given me a moment's concern re food.

You can often tell people who had very easy first babies... they have a second one very quickly!

I definitely hear you! I’ve had 4 and can confirm it’s not up to genes, routine, upbringing … they are their own little personalities with their own little ways and quirks - nothing you do, or don’t do with make a difference. My first was VERY easy going, like your nephew, my second was an absolute nightmare from 2 weeks old, very very difficult in every way possible. It took me until she was 6 months old to realise that actually I can’t change her and make her be what I want her to be, she is who she is, and I have to learn to live with that, cater for that and go with what suits her. I remember my sister inviting me out to a picnic in the woods when dd was 6 weeks old - I just thought my goodness, no way, I will never ever be able to do that with dd! But she insisted so we went .. what an absolutely unexpected lovely afternoon we had! And dd was a dream!

Try to just enjoy your baby for what and who she is and needs … comparing to others (over everything and more to come) will only cause worry, anxiety and stress.

So true. Gotta get out there! Babies get used to what they're introduced to.

We live between here and the middle east and we give ourselves SUCH a hard time in the UK about babies crying or just children being children in public.

Children are just part of life in the middle east and if your baby is crying or you look like you have your hands full someone will literally just come along and pick them up or play with them like it's the most natural thing in the world - which it is!

My babies were both really tricky (until we got on top of all their allergies). Those first months were very traumatic. However they have since become utterly delightful toddlers/preschoolers/children and even teens....

Agree with many of the other posters, things can change very quickly with kids in terms of their development.
Also, we thought we had the dream toddler with our eldest and were pretty smug, no terrible twos, was happy to sit in a high chair/car seat for ages - but she turned out to have significant language/social communication delays!

This was us. Almost identical situation and all I would say is that it is absolutely ok to acknowledge that it is very tough going at the moment and it’s ok to feel down about it. Also, we found that as the babies grew, at different times each set of parents felt like the other had the harder time as they responded to life so differently. Things won’t stay this way, it’s a constantly moving balance. You wouldn’t know now that our daughter barely smiled for the first few months x

My incredibly articulate, brilliant and extremely intelligent 13 year old daughter was a lively, very big personality as a young child and she never slept very well as a baby, nor ate a particularly varied diet either.

I remember one particularly bad tantrum when she was aged 4 outside school, rolling on the floor stubbornly while I was trying not to shout loudly or drag her along (I probably looked like a mum possessed, but I promise I treat my DC kindly and gently - I was just half carrying her with frustration 🫤)..

Now, she is very much a star pupil, all A* grades, 90% exam results, brilliant sense of humour, bordering on slightly mad genius. We love her so much and she is the light of our lives (along with our other 2 DC). I look back fondly at those toddler days , and am currently going through the same thing with her younger sister who is 4, so it's a bit deja vu at the moment 😂

But it doesn't mean things are the same way forever. You may be struggling now, but you will look back at these times and see them for what they were: a few months of development in your DC's life. 😎

Parenting is just relentless and so it’s easy to feel envious about an aspect that you are finding hard and that someone objectively has easier.

Our friend’s had a baby who wouldn’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time but once our DC’s reflux settled they slept through the night. They couldn’t even talk to us about it because we had it so “easy”. They didn’t have to use nursery until their first turned 3 and got funded hours, they had a lot of support from grandparents. Whereas we have no family nearby and have spent probably £18k in childcare fees in less than 2 years. I’m envious of them and the spare money they have and what they can do with that money.

Mine was a very chilled easy baby. Slept a great routine etc.

Was a demonic shapeshifter age 3-7.

8-12 was all about pushing me to my absolute limits and incredibly traumatic for both of us. That took some time to recover from properly.

13-15 felt normal. Well, what we believed to be normal.

15.5 magical adhd diagnosis and drugs script were life changing.

16+ I think we’re in normal teen calling me bro and fuck off on occasion but doing what’s expected.

careful what you wish for an all that 🤣

Hi OP,

I have a baby just like yours, probably worse. He screams a lot, is never content really and is just plain hard work. I’ve had lots of feelings of envy of friends and their easy babies who can be brought anywhere, on extended day trips as you’ve described and how much better they look then me because they have time to put in to hair and make up while I look like I’ve aged 15 years in the nine months since my son was born.

It’s okay to feel a bit down about it. It’s so hard. Unless you’ve had a very difficult baby I don’t think you can understand hard it is and how hard it is to watch everyone with their seemingly easy “chill” babies.

As time has gone on I’ve let go of those feelings more and more and know that it’s all a phase and it’ll pass eventually. I try take some time for myself every week and that helps. Anyway I really just wanted to send you some support and solidarity from a fellow frazzled mother.

My DS(1) was a colicky baby who was hard work for at least the first six months. Then became a chilled out toddler and is still pretty chill now as an adult.
DD(2) was an easy baby who barely woke up except to feed or be changed etc but this all changed as soon as she could walk and talk and became the toddler from hell! (she is also a perfectly normal calm adult who now has her own temperamental DD!)

Each stage and age is different for each child. Dd was a very easy baby like your db and sil baby, but hell and I mean hell aged 3... literally would lay on floor and scream and that could happen anywhere without warning so walking half way across the road and suddenly she do it....she outgrow it aged 4 when went to school but the memory of her aged 3 still there.

I was your SIL, we had visitors over at 10-days for home made Pizza, yadda yadda.!

Next time round was twins with colic!

Life is long, there’s plenty of time for things to even out. Some day, some how, you will look like the lucky one,

My firstborn was awful for the first 9 months, to the point I was never going to have a second. He didn't sleep, couldn't be put down, puked, screamed etc. Nature won, I had another, he was the easiest baby ever until about 9 months. I could almost forget I had him to start with because he was so easy, peaceful and chilled. Then he hit toddler time and I was going back to work, he wouldn't wean, wouldn't take solids, wouldn't sleep at night, teething was hell etc.

My first is dyslexic, struggles academically but is an angelic pupil, who works beyond hard, never gets into trouble at school, whilst being foul to me in his teen years. Yet much adored by his teachers.
My second is extremely bright and capable, but lazy, so doesn't get the grades he is capable of. His first year at secondary, he has already achieved more demerits and suspensions that his older brother ever managed. But, he is charming, witty and lovely to me.

They are night and day, absolute polar opposites of each other. Which is a long winded way of saying that children always challenge us in different ways, at different times.

My brother thought he had nailed parenting because his first was so easy. Then he had a second and had to eat his words.

She will have a second....

First dc a really easy baby, slept, fed, lay on mat.
Second dc screamed a lot, wouldn't eat, didn't like being put down.

Teen years.
First dc lazy at school, scraped through gcse's and A levels and whilst not much trouble constant back chat at home.
Second dc model pupil, lots of lovely friends and helped at home.

Both adult dc are kind, hard working and I'm proud to be their parent.