When's right for family to visit newborn?

[York12345]

Hi all,

Got a bit of a family friction going on over when my parents (I am Dad) will meet our first baby. Would be grateful for your perspectives to gauge whether partner and I are being unreasonable.

Our beautiful baby girl was born 2 days ago. We've been quite keen to have just us 3 in a newborn bubble for a few days from birth to enjoy each other and recover physically + emotionally. Part of the reason for this is that we've had several miscarriages so savouring these few days by ourselves is valuable to us.

Unfortunately, my parents cannot understand this and we've fallen out because we think asking for space and a little time to ourselves is reasonable but they think they should be able to visit baby v. soon after birth. We've invited them tomorrow so they'll meet her when she's 3 days old. No other family or friends have met her. It will be their first grandchild and they live 20min drive away.

I can appreciate their perspective, but really struggling with how I feel they're putting themselves first. I feel like if there's a time to be selfish, it's in the immediate period after having your first child, but maybe my wife and I are taking that too far. All other friends and family have been so happy for us, so this contrast from my parents is difficult to take.

I know there's no right answer to this, but I'm keen to gauge if we need to adjust our perspective.

Thank you for your thoughts!

You're totally not being unreasonable. I hope they aren't this full on going forward.

Have the maternal grandparents got the same restriction?

Meeting her at 3 days old is completely fine. I can understand that they ate eager but putting any pressure on you or making you feel bad is not OK. Keep an eye on it, they might be working up a sense of entitlement.
Congratulations!

Yabu. Oh just let them visit for an hour and then get back to your bubble? Whats the harm in giving them that joy?

Yanbu, but I couldn't wait for the grandparents to meet ds. The only request we had was to not come to the hospital until he was born - I didn't want people sat around waiting whilst I was giving birth.

I'd like to know this too

Whenever the new mum feels ready for visitors. My parents saw my baby pretty much asap after she was born because I wanted them there and they were worried about me. My MIL was very demanding and stressed me out whilst I was pregnant so I made my in laws wait until baby and I left the hospital (we were in for a week). First grandchild on both sides of the family.

I wouldn't stop grandparents visiting, short and sweet keeps everyone happy. I dont get these bubbles that people talk about they sound precious to me.

I would say it’s when the new family feel ready, predominantly when Mum feels ready as pregnancy, birth and the postpartum time is absolutely exhausting and emotional.

My mum was at the birth of my first child and came to meet my second in hospital about 2 hours after she was born. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I wish she was still here now.

When you’re ready. Stick to your guns. This is precious time and you won’t get it back. We had the same with DH’s family.

I think this whole "newborn bubble" rubbish is so self absorbed. Usually trotted out by the same people who are gutted no one is interested in their pfb a few months down the line. And also people who have lists of rules and expectations.

Sorry but unless there's a huge backstory I don't know anyone in real life who would have treated their parents like this, both mine and DH's parents were elated when DS (and later DD) was born, we couldn't wait for them to meet them and the joy in their faces is something I'll remember forever. They all have such a close and lovely bond now.

I think you have to accept that you've chosen to do this, which is fine and your choice, but in doing so you've caused them a lot of hurt.

Do people, bother to read the OP's post, it clearly says 'no other family or friends have met her'.

Your parents sound rude and not respectful of your perfectly reasonable request ... it's not as if you are asking them to wait weeks .... just three days.

Trying to think back to when my DS was born ... we lived miles away from family, DMIL did make the effort (4 hour round trip) to visit in hospital ... I was kept in for nearly a week! My own mother visited after about two weeks (10 hour round trip) & did stay for a few days. Can't remember when my Dad visited!

There's no right or wrong. Both sets of grandparents (as well as mine and DH's siblings and my brother's wife) met DS within hours. My DPs came back the next day as well. My ILs the following day and my brother the next day. I didn't feel the need to be in a bubble and enjoyed getting back to a normal life. But other people are very different and that's their prerogative too.

What does your wife want?

I don’t understand restricting close family from seeing the baby, they must be so excited and desperate to meet her. I understand wanting to settle in as a new little family together, but letting parents pop in for an hour for a cup of tea and a cuddle is not a big deal.

That is absolutely fine. I told no one to come for the first week with my second born because when I had my first it was a nightmare. People coming at different times of the day. So could not catch up on sleep. Plus MIL turned up the day after I got home with my first and didn't move her arse off my couch and I had to make her food and drinks. Second time round it took her 3 weeks to come and see my DD as she obviously had her nose put out that I didn't want to see anyone for the first week.

The "newborn bubble" thing is quite a new concept which is why they're struggling to understand. I can see why you don't want overnight visitors, but as they're only 20 mins away I can't see the harm in letting them pop in for an hour. My parents met my first baby in the hospital soon after birth! It's your decision though OP.

I've never really understood why new parents get precious about first born baby bubble newborn time - I do have children by the way - and both sets of grandparents met their grandchild hours after my c section whilst I was in hospital. No issue with that.

It’s not the same with maternal grandparents. It’s as much about the mum and her recovery and feeling safe. Your own mum seeing you vulnerable and with no dignity is one thing. But in laws?
Yes it sucks for mothers of sons and paternal grandparents. I get that. But the recovery and mental wellbeing of the mother really must be a priority here. If grandparents push too much early on it will affect the mums confidence in leaving a baby with them.

In was pushed to have loads of paternal visitors on the day after baby was born. And it was too much too early and I am still now ten years later extremely resentful that I wasn’t prioritised during this time. My parents were very respectful. And didn’t push and as a result I’m more confident in them respecting my boundaries.

It’s completely understandable that the grandparents here feel disappointed. And lovely that they can’t wait to meet their grandchild. But this isn’t their baby and it’s not about them. They’ve had their turn.

I would expect grandparents would be visiting almost straight away, usually day after the birth. Not for a prolonged visit obviously but popping in for half an hour if they live close by. Day 3 isn’t unreasonable though but can understand their frustration if uncertainty as to when they could come and visit. Yes of course other friends and family generally don’t mind waiting longer as understand people don’t want to be swamped. I wouldn’t expect people to bring their children to visit for a few weeks what with infection risk (and just draining). Seems a bit precious not letting grandparents visit within first few days

It's never just an hour though. I didn't want any visitors at the hospital by my grandparents ( I was raised by them, I don't see my parents) were insistent they came, well my Nan was but my Grandad was really respectful and kept out of it.
I relented in the end as I was so fed up of her childish messages. They stayed at the hospital for 4 hours and as soon as I was home the " can we come tomorrow " messages started. I explained because I'd been in hospital almost a week the second week was just for DC, DP and I. Again I got so fed up of the " you are being unfair " messages I said fine. They stayed for a whole afternoon and I'm glad DP was there to be host as I was so overwhelmed. Even when DV slept they wouldn't leave to give us space.

You as the parents get to decide, but with DC1 the baby's grandparents on both sides came to visit in the hospital. With DC2 my mum was looking after DC1 so was at our house when we arrived home. In laws came the next morning. My own grandparents came the day after we got home from hospital both times. I really don't see the point of denying immediate family from meeting their grandchild, these are the people who will be helping you (presumably) raise your family and the more loving family members a baby has the better in my opinion!

People get so entitled over newborns.

Child birth and the first couple of weeks are so hard. You do whatever is best for you, no one else’s opinions or wants matter.

I absolutely understand why your DW might not be up for company so soon after giving birth. It makes no difference if visitors have to wait 1 day, 1 week or 1 month. The mother’s wishes are ALWAYS the priority.

Grandparents the day all mine were born, in hospital. They came for 10 mins, had a cuddle and went. Then nearly every eveving after that for about 30mins. Didn't mind. If I was asleep or needed to go to bed etc dh had the baby with Grandparents.