Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

I'm on the fence. Mainly because I think it would be more of a nuisance to have the washing machine going when not full!

AIBU and expecting too much?
You know you're not.
What you have saddled yourself with though is a useless man who thinks you have been put on this earth to serve him and his children. Which you are now discovering.

If they were younger then I’d say you and their father should be doing it between you. You’re either a team or you’re not. Given their age however, they are old enough to be doing their own washing, especially at 17.

Seriously? One of them is old enough to be off to university in a few months. DH needs a shake, when did his mother stop washing his dirty pants? I was doing my own washing from about 11 as my mum couldn't stand washing my football kit. I was ironing from 13 and cooking dinner for when my parents got home from work at a similar age. I find it very bizarre a 17 year old wants you touching their dirty clothes, aren't they mortified?

People mention about the washing machine being half empty when on. It's not hard for them to ask if anyone has any whites/darks etc to add to the load.

My DD 15 has been doing her own washing/drying for a few years! If it needs ironing she adds it to the basket but as the majority of her stuff is non iron she puts it through the wash and sorts it herself. I give her the odd nudge if I know it needs doing (at the weekend for school uniform) etc but overall she keeps it under control.

I bet they're not 'too young ' to use a computer. Your H is being lazy avoiding a potentially difficult conversation. Much easier to dump it on you.

@Chocolateorange22 This was the main reason why I started washing my own, the thought of my parents touching my underwear made me embarrassed!

I had to scroll back at keep checking that they are 14 and 17, not 4 and 7. Yes of course they can do it themselves. I would probably just chuck there's in with mine though to make it more economical - darks with darks, etc.

DD has done hers since 11 yo. It's a point of pride for her.

If they don't want to do it, it's DH problem. It most certainly isn't yours.

Too young, my arse. Exactly what makes a 14yo too young to do an incredibly easy task?

If you’re at home in the daytime it’s a lot easier for you to hang washing out - I do ours as I wfh. A compromise would be they put their own dirty wash on but if it finishes while they’re at school but you’re home you will take it out / hang it out? It is a pain when you’re out at school/work all day.

I'd probably do it IF it was brought downstairs (or wherever you store dirty washing) and they help when they are there. So my dd is nearly 20 and home from uni. The system that works best for us is her washing just goes into the washing basket and is washed with everything else. Otherwise she would probably run the machine a few times extra which costs.

But she has to help. So if a load is done and I'm not home she puts it to dry and does another load.

Also any delicates/special wash things she does herself and keeps it separate from the main wash. Do the sc help with anything while they are with you? So cooking, tidying, shoving the hoover around? At 17 and 14 I'd expect some help if they are there regularly enough to need washing done.

Your DH is wrong that they are too young to do their own washing, but if it’s not something they’re used to then it’s something for their parents to teach, not you. That said, if your DH is enabling you to have the luxury of being a sahm as well as working long hours, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to ask you to do his children’s laundry.

Personally I think they are old enough to use a washing machine, particularly the 17 yr old child. Plus it will hold them in great stead for when they are older.

Is the 17 yo going to uni in a year ? 17 is definitely not too young to use a washing machine and dryer.

I have a 17 yo and he does his own washing. When he was 13/14 ish he started to ask me to wash a specific item that he might want to wear tomorrow. I also taught my kids to iron so they could look their best when they go out. (Unlike me, this was important to them )

I have three teenagers. It's perfectly reasonable to expect them to do their own washing, but I have to tell you that most teenagers I know don't do this.

So if they say their friends don't have to, they're probably telling the truth.

@TinyYellow If his children were younger then I would have no issue. But washing teenager’s clothing, including underwear, that sometimes has period blood etc leaked onto them, doesn’t seem like a task I should be taking on. Especially as they aren’t my biological children, it seems inappropriate?!

i think I’d do it because it’s probably easier to wash everyone’s clithes together and separate the same types etc. also, underwear really isn’t embarrassing.

having said that, they are old enough to pull their weight so I’d definitely be expecting them to contribute in other ways, but personally I wouldn’t have an issue doing their washing.

Would you do it if they were your children? What happens at their mother’s house? Doesn’t have to be the same but worth thinking about if they are feeling “othered” rather than seeing it from age perspective.

i think at that age, I’d say washing darks today - can everyone add it to the washing machine. That way you’re not sorting through dirty clothes which is fair enough but there’s also not three separate household washings going on either. Anyone can hang it out (make it a task for them, take it in turns etc). I think it’s about feeling part of the family and you and your partner feeling like a team more than the washing.

First, a SAHM is a luxury for BOTH people, not just the mum.

Second, chores are good for children. Doing things for them they can do themselves is therefore harmful. Useful life skills are important for self esteem, future success and an internal locus of control.

My DD at 13 proudly tells me she would be self-sufficient on her own. She can mange money, cook, do laundry, dishes, unpack a dishwasher, walk her dog, all without moaning and complaining. I know she will probably start moaning in about a year but at least she already has those skills.

@Psychologymam No I wouldn’t do it if they were my own children. I’ll be teaching mine at 11 and expecting them to do it themselves, that was what I did at that age. The only thing my parents did was remind me on a Sunday morning to get my uniform washed and dried if I hadn’t already done it.

Either he does it or he shows them how to do it. His choice.

They are definitely old enough to manage this themselves!

Give them a set day for their wash and show them what to do. I suggest a set day otherwise they’ll be sticking tiny loads on constantly at inconvenient times!

Absolutely ridiculous.

I wouldn’t actually have an issue washing anyone’s laundry, regardless of who they were, in terms of appropriateness. But I just feel they should be learning basic independence skills at that age.

DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it

I copied that as I read it because it’s utterly mad. Doesn’t he feel he’s failing as a parent if two kids that age can’t handle a washing machine?

Is this the only area where he’s babying his teenagers? I bet it’s not. Can they cook? Tidy their rooms and make their beds? Would he allow the older one to take driving lessons?