Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

Meaning everyone shares the chores not saying OP should do it all everyone contributes. Just if child a is putting a load on should be everyone’s not just her own stuff. Just my opinion

My kids did their own laundry from when they went to senior school and were responsible for changing their own sheets. It's not difficult to load & operate a washing machine!

@Lri I do agree older kids should be able to do their own washing. But if they were your own children and not step children would you do their washing ?

I agree and also with the poster who said that their mum did their washing until they left home and it never held them back. Same for me. My mum did my washing until I was 21 which is when I moved away from home. Even then she would stick a load on when she came to visit!

I also think it is bizarre to make a difference between biological children and other children in this way - I can't imagine that would create a homely environment for them.

All four of mine have commented on how some of their uni students struggled with basics like cooking and washing. So I'd argue it does hold you back until you learn. So why not learn early?

What? Why would there be 36 loads of laundry?

There are four of us and we do each person's laundry separately - every week we do: a load per person, 1-2 household loads (towels/sheets), and maybe an extra one for swim kit. 7 loads a week max.

I mean we aren't the sorts to separate laundry by Dulux colour strips so maybe if you do, you can get up to 36...

They aren't too young to put on a wash, but they are too young to be expected to be completely independent. So you need to meet in the middle. I strongly suspect you'll still help your biological dc out with laundry at 14.

Generally I'd say it's their dad's responsibility to help them stay organised, but if you are a sahm I actually think the odd prompt or hand with the laundry isn't a huge ask.

@spriots

There are 6 of them in the house each doing their own washing
Towels each person twice a week =12
bedlinen once a week = 6
dark load = 6
whites = 6
mixed etc/ pe kit =6

36 loads

In my house. Ds who are 8 and 9 their washing gets done together. They share clothes anyway.

Dd fills her basket up tends to get wash done on a Friday/Saturday because of school uniform.

Teen ds sorts himself I have nothing to do with his washing.

Then there's my own wash. Plus a bedding and towel wash

Average 4/5 washes a week.

The op has answered this.

However - they are not her biological children. They are her husbands though, so why can’t he wash their clothes if he believes them to be so incapable.

Setting aside the colour separation which I don't bother with, why would each person run the washing machine for one towel at a time? That would go in with their whites or darks. Ditto the bed linen

@spriots because many teenagers and adults use more than 1 towel each shower/bath. We have 4 adults I just laundered 10 towels from this week.

But the previous poster was suggesting that if you did laundry per person, each person would use 2 towels a week and wash each one separately...

Which they clearly wouldn't. They would put their towel in with some of their other clothes or with their sheets

@spriots towels are on a higher temp I don’t put them though with clothes on 30. Maybe I’m too clinical in my dividing up but towels 90 or 60 like bed linen. Clothes 30 or 40 degrees with comfort. I guess we all have different requirements to do washing.

Yes we do this. Normally 2 towels per person in with their wash . We definitely don't sort colours.

This - I learned it all quickly enough when I left home at 18. There was a bit of trial and error and a couple of mistakes made, but I quickly had it in hand. We’re a long time responsible adults.

My youngest made hers and carrys it everywhere after seeing her older sisters emergency "pencil case". 😍

My kids started doing their own without any prompting from us when they were about 12. It's part of growing up, and parents that don't teach kids basic chores like this are failing them imo.

In your position I would suggest that if they need something specific washing, they let you know and leave it infront of the washer so you can do it with your next load, but otherwise they are free to do their loads when they need.

Lay down your ground rules too, ie, we stipulate that only full loads must be done, and washing should be hung out to dry when it's not wet weather (we don't use the dryer unless it's raining or very cold).