Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

I don't think it's inappropriate but they can obviously do it themselves. My kids start doing their own laundry by 14. They get their own laundry basket and are shown how to do it.

I think it’s fair to stand your ground and tell your DH that it’s fine for him to baby his children as his children, his choice, but you won’t be taking on the grunt work involved in making that happen as you think they should be learning to do it themselves.

But you might also think about going back to work soon if you’ve partnered with someone who, without consultation, pursues work opportunities on the back of you being a SAHM taking on his unpaid domestic responsibilities. That’s a dynamic that sours a lot of marriages.

I got a promotion and was working flat out (like op husband ) and I am so grateful to my husband (my kids step dad) who not only did all the washing out also did almost all the cooking and school runs too for a stretch. Now my work has settled in and he has a promotion and the house work balance has swung back the other way for a bit. We are a team, and getting petty about which child's t shirt we wash and which we don't would be silly.

It's weird to expect individuals in a family to do their own washing separately....its completely inefficient.

No issue with teens helping around the house but they aren't lodgers expected to wash their own plates, cook their own meals.

Do you expect DP to do his own washing?

I would have thought it more efficient to combine the household washing to make a dark load, a delicate load etc. Everyone can be reaponsbile for their own ironing amd putting away though and obvioulsy be responsible for making sure specifc required items are washed.

Yes, they are old enough to do their own washing, but being prissy about touching their dirty laundry is ridiculous. It's just laundry, and they're your kids (the "step" bit is irrelevant).

I'd still wash it for them I think. I tend to think of laundry as a "household task", like washing up. I don't expect each person to run their own bowl of water to wash their own plate. I'd consider a new wash basket where they split it into whites/dark/colours in advance, and I'd ask them directly to come and help sometimes.

I never did a wash of my own at home that I remember, but from being very little we used to help sort it into colours, get the scoop of Persil, press the start button, pass things to DM to peg out or peg them out ourselves when we were older. I was perfectly capable of doing my own washing when I went to university.

(Our system with pants that got a bit of blood on was that you rinsed them in advance and put them in a bucket with some Persil by the washing machine, then they were pretty much clean by the time they were added to the wash.)

YANBU, I was doing my own washing earlier than 14 years old too.

I would tell DH his options are that he does their laundry on his days off or he teaches them how to do it.

Don't even offer to teach them, this ishis problem and doing.

@CheeseyOnionPie If it’s a 15 minute task then all the more reason they should be doing it!

My kids did their own washing from when they were 11 - if they put their washing in my laundry basket then I'd do it. It's not hard and they are not damaged by it.

OP doesn't want her clothes mixes up with theirs and I think that's fine. I wash my own clothes separately too, always have done. Even as a young teen I didn't like anyone putting their clothes in with my wash.

The one thing I would say is that no one over the age of about 10 should be incapable of sticking a wash on or pegging it out.

It's hardly cooking a full roast dinner!

I'd be unimpressed with anyone who tried to tell me that his teenage dc would struggle to run their own clothes through the wash.

Agree with this.

I think it’s strange for teens to do their own washing! I do one load per day. There’s no space to hang anything else. It would be carnage if everyone doing multiple small washes all the time!

I think they are old enough to do their own washing but I think you are odd to recoil over washing a child’s dirty knickers.

I think you’re being OTT about ‘touching dirty clothes’ and doing your own washing as a teenager so your parents didn’t touch your underwear. It’s all just clothes so with the exception of the period underwear you mentioned the teen should be given guidance to do that. You’re not their mum but they might prefer to have that advice from a woman and as they live with you I’m assuming you have some kind of relationship.

They’re not too young to operate a washing machine but I would do their washing in exchange for other chores as everyone’s laundry gets done quicker with one person doing it so you have a white/dark/towel wash or whatever instead of running a half empty washing machine.

I think you being a SAHM is irrelevant. Having an additional task to do would be annoying but not the end of the world. They are 14 and 17 which is more than old enough to use a washing machine. They also seem to think that washing is mum work.

If your husband doesn't feel they are old enough for the responsibility then he needs to do their washing. It's unreasonable for him to decide they are too young and therefore it's now your job. If he doesn't have the time to do it then he needs to teach them how to.

I did my own washing and ironing from about the age of 12 and I taught my step children how to do theirs when they were a similar age to your step children. I wouldn't have got involved but their dad wasn't going to teach them and I did not want the job of doing their laundry so it was just easier to teach them myself.

Can I just ask, does no one wash by hand any more? When I was 11 and started my periods, I just naturally wanted to wash my own undies, because I was embarrassed if I'd had a leak. As I got a little older and started wanting specific items washed and ready for the next night because I was going out, I would wash these by hand too. These items would be quickly spun in the machine, and hung to dry. Why can't youngsters do this today, instead of putting on the machine to was 2 or 3 items? I saw a friend of my daughter recently, she'd cut her leg shaving, and had got blood on her trousers, she had no idea how to get it out. Don't parents teach these things any more?

I think it's a bit unusual to have such an aversion to chucking another close family member's laundry in with your own when you're doing a load. But the issue is your DH - you said you don't wash his pants, so unless he's constantly buying new underwear or going commando, he must have time to do some laundry. Therefore, he can wash his kids laundry when he does his own. (Although, really, wouldn't it be easier to work as a team? You do a load one day and he does the next load? No matter how busy and important women are, we still manage to do the laundry...)

I also agree that both kids (especially the 17 year old) are old enough to be doing household chores like laundry. Their dad isn't doing them any favours by failing to teach them how to be independent.

DH can do it.

Would you do the washing if they were your biological children?

She’s already answered this. She said no.

They don’t want her advice, they want her to do their washing.

The brats can do it themselves.

They need to learn to fluff and fold.

there's tutorials on YouTube on how to.

Surely if he was single he would find time to wash their clothes? How can anyone be so busy at work that they can’t wash clothes? He can pop the load in before bed. Hang first thing in the morning? Or tumble dry first thing? Put away in the evening? Unless he is using a scrubbing board and mangle he has time.

Next time he spends 20 mins on the loo. Or cleaning his bike chain.

He can’t be fucked and sees it as wife work. It’s a slippery slope to a pit of resentment.