Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

We've all got our own boundaries, fair enough, but period blood on knickers shouldn't be a point of embarrassment. You aren't handwashing or hands on.

No way, they're being lazy!

Are they with you full time? If not then I get the timing of the wash could be inconvenient. So I think there is something to be said in that scenario for dad to make sure anything left in the basket is clean before they next arrive but when they are there they should be able to take it on.

Delightful. Even before this update l wouldn’t be doing it. By that age l won’t be doing it for my children so l certainly won’t do it for someone else’s children. They need to become more independent

@Longdueachange It happens and they know it’s fine, periods happen, no shame here. But I still feel it’s a point of pride to wash your own soiled underwear?

It's a good opportunity to teach responsibility and self-care. Yes, annoying the load isn't full but if it is affordable then this is an expense worth carrying for the lesson.

@Longdueachange Yes, full time during the school terms and then with their mum during the holidays.

And what about your husbands experience of this? I’m not saying either is right or wrong but 11 may not have a magic number in his house - he sounds like he has a very different perspective. Is it his way of showing care and love? Do you think it’s an important part of growing up to be able to figure out these chores independently? I think you need to communicate why you think it’s important for them in terms of life skills (not just washing but lots of things like cooking etc) rather than it feels a bit ick for you to touch their dirty clothes - I feel like that might be more successful!

They aren't too young but how much time are they spending at your house - is timing going to be a factor for them doing it when it's needed. Most importantly it's totally inefficient for individuals to do their own washing in a house - it results in either lots of things which should be washed together being washed together or higher electricity & detergent costs running more loads with fewer items. There does seem to be a bit of an obsession on Mumsnet with everyone in the house doing their own washing. You can get around the underwear handling by getting them to use laundry bags for underwear which just get thrown in the machine.

They are teenagers, believe me they have more than enough clothes / outfits to fill a machine up once a week!!

Is it his way of showing care and love?

I take your point. But offering someone else's labour is not care and love, it's staff management. He's delegating and if I was OP, I wouldn't be staff to his manager.

A 17 year old is old enough to drive a car, I am pretty sure they can manage to press a couple of buttons on a washing machine.

I'm going against the grain here but if you're a SAHM and doing the washing for another child anyway then I think it's a bit petty not to.

Yes they are old enough but from both an economic and environmental perspective it makes far more sense to do everything together.

Right? Plus bedding, work out stuff. DD can do 2-3 loads.

He - in my opinion - babies them in quite a few ways. This is just one of many, but they are his children ultimately so it’s up to him. But when he starts asking me to do tasks like their washing, that’s why I get involved with my opinion.

It is a life skill they need to learn. Of course they are not too young. Stand firm and if your husband really thinks they are too young then he can find time to do it! He is not the only one who is busy he just thinks he is too big and important and manly to have to do it.

*shouldn't be washed together

Yes there is the SAHM thing however the children told their stepmum it was her job to do it. Why do they need to be so entitled? Even if they were to bring a load down before school and say "I've got some darks that need washing, are you putting on a load that I can add them to?" You know like acting like almost adults and communicating rather than expecting someone to do everything except wipe their backside?

One argument that worked with DH (who wants to be good cop in my house) is "do you want DD to be that roommate, who everyone hates and won't live with next year?" If they plan to go to university or move out ever, they will need these skills.

My rule is either they pop it in the laundry basket and it gets washed when DH or I get round to it, or if they wanted it washed by a specific time /in a specific way then they do it themselves

I have 2 of my own and 2 sc and DH and I just keep bunging washes on whenever we get a chance, but the teens know they also have the option to do their own washes

@Lri
Why do you keep referring to dirty underwear?

I never understand these posts about different family members doing their washing at different times.
My family method of washing is when an item of clothes needs washing it goes straight in the machine. When the machine is full - on it goes.
We don't separate colours (except for if it's a brand new pair of jeans or new bright pink towel or something).
Clothes in, washing gel in, machine on....done.
All this "my washing, his washing, the teenagers washing" sounds a faff.

I agree. I think its quite normal for washing to go on as a family wash and don't know any family where individuals in the household do their own washing separately

And you’re right to do so. If he’s so worried they can’t safely press the right buttons he can do it himself. He has no right at all to delegate this to you. Cheeky sod.

Eldest started at 12/13 but will put leggings and hoodies in main baskets. Youngest is 12 and started at Easter off her own back. again stuff that "can't be ruined by dad putting a mixed wash on and not checking if it's hand-wash etc" still goes in main baskets.