Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

When your biological child is 14 will you be making them do their own washing? That’s your answer.

RTFT. There’s your answer.

You’re not being unreasonable to think you need a bit of support over this. Either they do their own washing, they are definitely not too young, or they out their washing in the basket with your stuff to be done at your pace.

I'm amazed at all the people who wash their own clothes or did, or expect their kids to! Totally agree they should be able to use a washing machine, but if everyone in the house does their own then the washing machine will be running all the time with tiny loads - it can't be a sensible option.

Have a communal washbin, and train the teenagers how to use the machine. Then ensure they each do at least one load a week. As PPs have suggested - they can ask you to hang it out while they are at school, or you can do a wash and get them to hang it out - make it a 'family' task. But each doing just their own few bits seems incredibly inefficient.....

And who cares about other peoples undies, really? But if you do, or they do, then I'm sure a separate washbin or two can be arranged.

I can't get all this freaking out about the odd drop of blood. If people cut their knee do you treat their trousers like contaminated waste? Or is it just female blood that is so horrifying?

And as for pants generally.... How do you ever manage to go to the loo if you are that terrified of fabric that has been in the vicinity of your family members bottom?

I think you’re making periods weird. Would you refuse to wash their T-shirt if they’d had a nose bleed on it? I manage to wash my toddlers poo-stained pants without touching the poo-stain. I’m sure you do too.

He's not doing them any favours..they should be able to do washing and ironing at that age
I was better at it than my mum,,I had lots of clothes as a teenager and I was ultra fussy as how they should look...ex mod..that's never left me ..I'm still fussy with the iron.

Agree with you, time to do their own washing. I was doing laundry for my whole family from when I was 14/15 (not all the time). I'd start saying to them if they're not happy you're happy to show them how to use the machine, then it's up to them if they choose to do so. If they say no you do it I'd just say that's either you or your dad's job.

At 14 and 17 that absolutely should do their own washing, esp the 17 year old. You’re doing them a massive disservice by not making them do it as they will learn the hard way instead ie ruined clothes, going out stinking, etc. Your husband has been doing it as that’s been easier than trying to get them started and teach them. Therefore he’s now thinking, sod it, it’s OPs turn now, and I can’t be arsed with teaching/ arguments. The they’re too young argument is his cop out. So I think the teaching has to be left with you (and it only take minutes really).

You having a thing about other people’s soiled underwear is personally a bit wierd to me when you all live in the same house and are supposed to be family but actually, it doesn’t matter and it’s almost irrelevant to the argument - in fact, I would say it doesn’t help to mention that as a reason. Instead just say you need to learn the chore, like you would cooking, or driving, and you will teach them. And get ur husband to agree to it.

You really are not doing a massive disservice. Thats just a load of bull. I never did my own washing til I moved out and yet I still managed to never go out stinking or ruin my clothing.

I still managed to turn into a fully functioning adult and not putting my own wash on didn’t hold me back😂

It's not inappropriate washing somebody else's clothes, period blood etc or not. What is inappropriate is teenager who doesn't wash their own.

I think if you're a sahm being 'kept'. Y your husband then you have some household duties.
As a compromise and to support the husband whose job is financially supporting you, I would teach the kids to do it.
Give them an evening where they have no hobby eg Mondays for one Tuesday for the other that they wash their clothes on and hang to dry. Show them things like removing tissues from pockets, separating. Wednesday is the put away day.
I would give the little kids other chores appropriate for their age eg tidy up time so they can't say you are favoriting you own kids.
write it on a schedule for them with other chores and you do the little kids washing on other days.

This. I really don't get the sticking point people make about laundry all the time. Who really cares? Why make it a big issue. I work full time, still find time to wash for the whole household (7 people) without turning it into massive drama.

I do the laundry; I just expect them to a) put their dirty stuff in the basket (skiddy pants and all, my hands are washable) and b) out there own washing away after it's dried.

I honestly don't understand the fuss. It's such a non-issue. People need real problems to worry about.

why don’t you just bung it in when you do your own?

I think it’s a great idea to encourage them to do their own, however be prepared for a washing machine full of damp clothes that they forgot about… 1 item going round in the tumble dryer etc etc..
I wouldnt see it as a big deal to do their washing tbh…

My 3 are 20,18 & 14. We have a communal wash basket if it's in there it gets washed. Oldest 2 are at home most just most just now so expected to do their bit including sticking on the laundry. If it's in the communal basket whoever is putting on the load just washes what's there.
If it is t in the communal basket it isn't getting washed. We are not chasing round the house looking for things to wash.

The older 2 are at home more just now so they are expected to pick up a bit of the slack while the other 3 are out all day. They are adults and all contribute to the dirty clothes they can contribute to cleaning them.

So if they still live at home when the others are 11 you’ll have a min of 18 wash loads a week prob 36 that’s completely unreasonable how your machine will be on 24/7

I think even if they do it they will still need reminding. I'm interested to know who your partner thinks is going to teach them the independence skills they need before they leave home? .

Watching this thread with interest as I’m in the throws of getting my 3 adult kids to do their own washing ! With mixed results ! Oldest DS has come back home after living away at uni so no way am I starting doing his washing which he has done for 3 yrs! DD will do her own washing when required. Basically she would have clothes all over her room& when cleaning her room would have at least one load so she would just crack on & load the machine! Other times her clothes would just be in the basket & I would do them.

DS2 18 is a nightmare! He will just bring a huge pile of dirty clothes dump them in /around the Laundry basket and walk away! Then moan he’s no clean boxers!

Enough was enough so bought them laundry bags for their rooms and told them to crack on! It’s still early days and I’ll help out by hanging a load out for them etc if I’m home & they’re going out ! Doing laundry for 5 adults (DH is wheelchair bound & can do very little to help out) is a huge chore & I work and care for my DH too ! It’s the least my kids can do to help with the running of the home !

I wonder if the attitude will be the same if one of you ever gets sick or incapacitated. Everyone should know and be capable of washing. No one should moan that something isn’t washed as they are capable but. You are family! we all work together and support one another.

You are family! we all work together and support one another

Mmmmm interesting view point - OP is expected to ‘work as a family’ and do their washing - what are the girls bringing to the table?

Clothes don't get segregated here. A wash goes on and it has everyone's clothes in it. I'd have no problem teaching them how to put on a wash including their own clothes, but I'd find it ridiculous if they only washed their own clothes. Equally I find it strange that you say you don't want to touch their dirty clothes. How dirty are they?!

Underwear? Understandable. But general every day clothes? Not a problem.

Teach them to use the machine but to wash all clothes. You are a SAHM so will likely be doing the bulk of the washing as you are there the most hours.

But I find it petty that you'd simply refuse to do their washing.

Ds17 has been doing his own washing for past couple of years .

Dd is 13 she puts her clothes in the machine and turns it on. I take it out and hang it to dry.

I want them to do it to learn independence.life skills etc. I feel its important for ds I don't want him to think mums/woman/wife do everything for the male.

This nails it!

Not a chance would I be washing their clothes!

They ARE your children too. I'd probably expect to do 50% of their washing. My Mum always did mine, bless her... And happily do a bin bag full when I came to visit from Uni too. She taught me so much about stain removal.

I taught my DC how to remove stains and now they've moved out they enthuse about the washer/dryer where they live and refuse to bring home washing. Teach them how to wash their own clothes but be kind too. If you're putting a wash on, having their bits and pieces in it too really doesn't add much work.

TBH, I'm really impressed that you don't have to hunt out dirty underwear from their rooms because they don't have any clean. If they're putting it into dirty laundry baskets they sound pretty well trained already. But if they're whinging about a top not being washed then they really need to get their act together.