Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

I think it's quite sad. I don't know how often they are with you but I'm the mum with daughter that will one day no doubt have a step mum, or a number of them by the way things are going with ex. I very much hope the step mum looks after her or somehow she can stay with me so I can but unfortunately I don't think this will be the case. I worry about things like daughter getting period at her dad's house :/

doing the washing for another child anyway then I think it's a bit petty not to

What, and rob them of their independence?

Really? This is just a weird attitude. We all have periods, nothing to be ashamed of or have to wash secretly.

It doesn't as long as the load is full it doesn't matter who's it is

Pretty much what happens here.....

But I know I can message the family chat at ask either of them to put a dark/colours/whites on and they know how to do it, as well as hang it for drying.

Putting things in the washing machine is the obvious, easy part.

Who gets it out, hangs or separates for drying, folds and/or irons, hangs in wardrobes and/or puts away?

Make her a little 'period kit' (pads, spare knickers, wipes etc.)and explain everything. She'll be prepared and equipped. DD even gave hers to a friend at school who came on and no one had explained anything to. She was proud to socialise another young women into the club

Yes because shoving some washing in a machine with your own will make them a failure in life. However will they cope.

Robbing them of their independence? Pmsl.

I get it, but would you really want them to set the washing machine up on a 60 degree hygiene wash for a pair of knickers.

I do look after my stepchildren well and we have a very open, good and close relationship. They often mention how I’ve helped them with so and so, how they value my advice and our time together, so there’s no issues there.

I think they should be doing their own washing full stop. But an added point I was making that, when I was their age (and younger) the thought of my own parents washing soiled underwear in particular made me recoil! That’s why I was questioning the appropriateness of it. And yes periods are normal etc but touching someone else’s soiled underwear is a little gross let’s be honest. I don’t wash my DH’s underwear either by the way!

Aw thanks 🙂that's a good idea 💕

Robbing them of their independence? Pmsl.

Chores are correlated with adult success. So yes, piss yourself all you like, but it's true.

@MrsTerryPratchett either me or my husband hang it out - whichever one of us realises the machine has finished.
When it's dry - mostly it's me that sorts it into piles to put away because it usually dries over night (clothes horse drying system because we live in a flat) and in the daytime I am home and he is at work. Plus the clothes horses get in my way. It takes about 5 minutes.
We don't iron.
I lovingly organise my autistic teens clothes and hang up etc - but she prefers them to be in a heap on the floor 😂

Either he does it or they do. You have very valid reasons for not taking on their laundry and you've offered to show them how. A 17 year old could be driving and a car is a much more complicated piece of machinery. Talk about it as a way of showing confidence in their capability and independence.

You're welcome @Littleorangeflowers I don't know who told me to do that so I won't take credit.

Ask your husband what exactly he thinks is his role as a parent. Is it

A, to send his children out into the world unable to wash their clothes, cook a meal, manage a budget, open a bank account?

B, to send his children out into the world with the basic skills they need?

He’s doing them a great disservice by babying them.

They are old enough to do their own.

Show them how do to do it themselves. DS was doing his own washing and ironing at 14. Its absurd that he thinks they are too young.

why doesn’t everyone help with all the laundry?

get each person those net laundry bags for underwear 1 for white one for colours & name them so no one is touching anyone else’s dirty pants and they can just go back to the right room still in the bag without sorting (if tumble dried ).

They have been used to having it done for them so this is their norm.Time to change this and show them how to use the washing machine. Xx

I have to be honest I wouldn't expect my 14 year old to do their own washing no. 17 maybe but I just wash everybody's together anyway.

My 18yo dd1 has the top floor annexe in our villa, & the washing machine lives up there. (Her perk of me not barging in & her getting her own apartment is that she does the family laundry).

She's fiercer than I would be.

• all items must be separated into lights & darks
• anything stained must be put into a bucket to soak, by the stainer, who can then rinse & wring it out whenever they like before adding it to the wash
• anyone who doesn't like this can handwash their stuff, pay the laundry or go without clean clothes.
• people who comply get their clothes washed & returned to their bedroom

The thing I notice is that dd1 sets her rules, & by gum her siblings stick to them. Or they just run out of clean clothes.

She's picked it as a family chore. You didn't.

So I'd advise sticking to your guns, because it's frankly an easy flex.

Indicate the washing machine & how it works, then drift off.

If the family want to put together a rota, or sort out different baskets & who puts the wash on, or whatever, great, you're all ears!

Meanwhile the washing machine exists & no doubt they'll figure it out.

My mantra as a step-mom is that I am not their parent and my presence doesn’t absolve their parent of responsibility. Since we lived together my laundry workload has increased drastically and I actually snapped and lost it with my DP a few months back because I was sick of doing his children’s laundry just because I was home on maternity leave. But we’re moving house soon and all the bedrooms rooms will have their own baskets and I am not going to go and get theirs from their rooms and wash it when it’s their dad’s responsibility. Step-parents don’t have to take on all the boring drudgery because their partner won’t do it quick enough. Your step-children are learning that their father doesn’t prioritise their laundry, so they can either do it themselves or harass him to do it in the evening/weekend just like everyone else who works full time does.

I can't understand the hysteria around underwear. So bizarre. It's just pants. I imagine they have learnt to wipe their bums by the time they hit their teens. So odd.

I think 11 is too young to have to do your own washing but 14 and 17 is probably ok. I don’t know what the big fuss is though because it’s a 5 minute task to sort and put a wash on and then maybe 10 mins to sort it out for drying. If your DH is adamant they’re too young he better find a spare 15 mins in his week.