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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Moral dilemma

201 replies

Nurseamy87 · 20/06/2024 00:38

Hi, I have registered just to make this post, been told this is the place to come for some good honest advice so here I am…!

This is such a huge moral dilemma for me, I just do not know what to do :(

We have the loveliest (attached) next door neighbour. We moved in on the same day (new builds), and hit it off with her straightaway. She told us about how in her last house, she was miserablr due to some nightmare neighbours who were noisy, argued all the time, and smoked weed. Our estate is very quiet and sounds completely opposite to where she used to live.

Over the 3-ish years that we have been neighbours, I’d say that we have become friends, we have drinks at Christmas, been shopping together, BBQs.

Our house is currently on the market, we’ve been on the market for around three months now. We’re relocating to be closer to DH’s family.

We’ve been getting anxious about the lack of offers on the house. Since going on the market, I estimate we’ve had around 20 viewings… lost track on exact number. We did previously have one offer, but the chain fell through pretty fast.

However, at the weekend we had a viewing, and on Monday morning an offer. On paper, they are in a great position, first time buyers, mortgage offer, and the estate agent told us they have seen proof of the deposit. This would be great for us because we are not making an onward purchase straightaway (renting initially). So,
that all sounds great.

Here’s the issue. When these buyers turned up for the viewing, they pulled up outside the house with their music blasting from the car - they arrived a bit early for the viewing and they were sitting there for a good few minutes with music blaring before coming to knock on the door.. you literally could not make this up. And when they came into our home, I was horrified to realise at least one of them absolutely stank of weed.

In hindsight, I feel like I should’ve asked them to leave but I realise I’m probably quite uptight with my attitude towards such things compared to many people out there, so I let them look around the house. I’m surprised they were interested in this estate because - as I mentioned earlier- it is quiet and not a lot happens!

We were quite surprised to receive the offer. And as I mentioned, on paper, it sounds like they are in a great position to proceed.

I just don’t know if I can do it to our lovely next-door neighbour, though. She was clearly emotional when I told her that the place was going on the market and actually said, “oh I really hope somebody lovely buys the place”. I can just tell that these people who have made us the offer will be absolutely horrendous to live next to, and make her life miserable again.

But they are literally our only offer…! We don’t know what to do!!

I was talking to a colleague about this yesterday and her response was to tell me that we should do what suits us, that we will never see our neighbour again due to the fact we’re moving quite a distance away, and we should look after ourselves.
I feel morally that this is such a difficult decision, I will feel terrible about this afterwards. Also, as she is my friend, I’d fully hope she wants to keep in contact with me, as I know I would like to with her!

We’ve asked the estate agent if there is anything particular from the feedback of previous viewings that indicates we may need to improve anything in the house, to attract more buyers, but they’ve just told us that the market is very slow currently, and that our house is presented very well, neutrally decorated, no clutter, clean and tidy for viewings, so not much else we can do.

What would you all do?!

thank you for any advice, and I’m sorry this post is so long.

OP posts:
Blimpton · 20/06/2024 00:39

Not your problem. I’d take the offer and run.

AliceOlive · 20/06/2024 00:47

Are you legally allowed to do anything regarding this offer? We wouldn’t be here in US. At least I don’t think you can just turn down a buyer.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 20/06/2024 00:48

Other than they played music as they arrived at the house (and whilst they waited rather than trying to insist they were there and should look around now) and they smelt of weed (which I can do sometimes just by waiting for the bus) how could you tell they'd be absolutely horrendous to live next door to? Did they have a blazing row? Swear at you? Talk about their 3 toddlers and 5 XL bullys? Talk about where they could grow the weed?

Or was it just your prejudice of the smell of weed? Maybe they live in an area where the smell permeates the air all day so it clings to them and they wanted to move somewhere nicer?

You could sell it to Mr and Mrs Respectable who turn up a nicely polished car, wearing business suits and sipping energy shakes and they turn out to be Mr and Mrs Listen to Death Metal at 2am on Full Volume whilst Mr and Mrs Smells a Bit Like Weed turn out to be Mr and Mrs Heart of the Community

You're struggling to sell and want to move. They're perfect for your needs. Take the offer. You never know who the new owners are going to turn out to be really.

Daisy1457 · 20/06/2024 00:49

It depends how quickly you want or need to move away. If it's as soon as possible then I'd accept the offer.

Everythingiscalmfornow · 20/06/2024 00:53

I sold a previous home. It was a downstairs cottage flat. One of the viewers was a nurse who did night shift and who slept during the day. She loved the flat and enthused about how quiet the estate was and ideal for her. She put in the best of the 3 offers we had for the flat.
However our upstairs neighbour had a really powerful washing machine which was just awful. Not only noisy but the whole place shook when they used it. And they used it every day. I knew she would no sleep or disrupted sleep . So after much deliberation I accepted the second highest offer.
I bitterly regretted doing that. I lost out on about £3000 and the nurse was upset that her offer was refused- she made enquiries with my solicitor because she couldn't understand why her offer wasn't good enough.
So I agree with your colleague. Do what is best for you.

RoseGoldEagle · 20/06/2024 00:53

How can you tell they’d be a nightmare to live next door to? They could be lovely! A respectable and quiet couple might end up complaining about everything your friend does and make her life a nightmare. I think you’re massively overthinking it!

BobbyBiscuits · 20/06/2024 01:00

It seems bizarre you've made a snap judgement about them being awful based on the fact they may smoke weed, and listen to music in the car.
Usually you'd have no clue who your buyer was in any meaningful terms, you mostly would never even meet them. Would you really turn down a house sale on the off chance your neighbours might not absolutely adore the new inhabitants?
That seems absolutely crazy to me.
The neighbour could just as easily fall out with a group of Buddhist monks, a deaf mute or an anti-drugs campaigner! You'll probably never even see her again after you move.
I'd be more worried about the fact I need to sell my house that's been on the market for months.

SlothOnARope · 20/06/2024 01:01

Honestly, if she was genuinely my friend, I'd tell her about the pot heads, see what she says. If I could wait I would wait, if it would adversely affect my family I wouldn't 🤷

Difficult one. Tbh even if it wasn't for the neighbour, if I'd been happy in the house I'd probably wait for other buyers anyway. Never trust a pot head.

Lillieloola · 20/06/2024 01:12

Maybe my sense of smell is rubbish but I wouldn’t know what weed smells like! I would accept their offer .

Hellogoodbyehello4321 · 20/06/2024 01:15

A lot of ppl here saying they could be lovely. Of course they could be. But ppl who think it's appropriate to blast music out of their car I.e. feel that the world needs to listen to their music - why can't they just have it at normal volume, sound pretty inconsiderate and selfish tbh. And that doesn't bode well for living attached to them with a shared wall.

So I understand OPs concern. Personally I would feel pretty awful subjecting my friends to what may not be, but sounds likely to be, inconsiderate neighbours, however it depends how desperate you are to move. And if they are your only offer and you need to move, then you'll have to put yourselves first.

The weed wouldn't bother me tbh. And I've no issue with ppl listening to music obviously but the OP specifically says blasting and blaring music.

AliceOlive · 20/06/2024 01:20

This is actually a good reason to not stick around for viewings!

Firefly1987 · 20/06/2024 01:24

Lillieloola · 20/06/2024 01:12

Maybe my sense of smell is rubbish but I wouldn’t know what weed smells like! I would accept their offer .

I wouldn't either! So many threads about weed smokers these days though, is it really that common?

BowlingBore · 20/06/2024 01:30

If she is really a friend, I don’t think I could do it to her, especially if you are planning on keeping in touch. We had nightmare neighbours once and it was really awful. We ended up moving.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 20/06/2024 01:58

Lillieloola · 20/06/2024 01:12

Maybe my sense of smell is rubbish but I wouldn’t know what weed smells like! I would accept their offer .

You would- it stinks. It’ll stink in the street outside your home if someone smokes it. It wafts into your garden. Not to mention the accompanying coughing.

The market is just slow due to the election ? I’m not sure what you can do OP. If your desperate to move then your neighbour will end up living nextdoor to the ‘shameless’ family by the sounds of it.

RedHelenB · 20/06/2024 02:18

AliceOlive · 20/06/2024 00:47

Are you legally allowed to do anything regarding this offer? We wouldn’t be here in US. At least I don’t think you can just turn down a buyer.

Edited

You can in England.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/06/2024 02:19

AliceOlive · 20/06/2024 00:47

Are you legally allowed to do anything regarding this offer? We wouldn’t be here in US. At least I don’t think you can just turn down a buyer.

Edited

Sure you can. An offer is just that. You can not accept it for any reason in the US.

As to @Nurseamy87 ‘s question in my opinion you are under no obligation moral or otherwise to pick a suitable buyer for your neighbors. The real question is do they have a means to buy it and it is it at a price that is acceptable to you.

Nobody(!) would turn down a buyer for your preferences if situations were reversed.

AliceOlive · 20/06/2024 02:41

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/06/2024 02:19

Sure you can. An offer is just that. You can not accept it for any reason in the US.

As to @Nurseamy87 ‘s question in my opinion you are under no obligation moral or otherwise to pick a suitable buyer for your neighbors. The real question is do they have a means to buy it and it is it at a price that is acceptable to you.

Nobody(!) would turn down a buyer for your preferences if situations were reversed.

That’s definitely not categorically true in US. You can’t simply refuse an offer from one person and take the same offer from another under many circumstances. There are protections against discrimination and you may end up in court.

“It is illegal discrimination to take any of the following actions because of race, color, religion, sex (including gender identity and sexual orientation), disability, familial status, or national origin: Refuse to rent or sell housing. Refuse to negotiate for housing.”

Gingerdancedbackwards · 20/06/2024 03:06

They were earlyy and had the courtesy to sit in the car until their scheduled time, so their being early didn't inconvenience you.
Are you familiar enough with all strains of cannabis to identify the smell of weed accurately and confidently?
Music blasting? Did any of the other neighbours in this quiet street mention it, or ask them to shut up. And if it was that noisy, why didn't you go out and ask them to come in? That wasn't very neighbourly of you.
Do you really want to move? If you do, then the neighbour's experience with these potential sons and daughters of satan, is not your responsibility.
Indeed, if you went into a shop while on your phone chatting, smelling of perfume and ignoring the assistant, and s/he refused to serve you because herfriend doesn't like that perfume, would that be appropriate?
No, it would be judgemental and silly
You are not your brothers keeper

Gingerdancedbackwards · 20/06/2024 03:07

Firefly1987 · 20/06/2024 01:24

I wouldn't either! So many threads about weed smokers these days though, is it really that common?

It is in London
And it dioesn't 'stink'

Jellyx · 20/06/2024 03:11

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 20/06/2024 00:48

Other than they played music as they arrived at the house (and whilst they waited rather than trying to insist they were there and should look around now) and they smelt of weed (which I can do sometimes just by waiting for the bus) how could you tell they'd be absolutely horrendous to live next door to? Did they have a blazing row? Swear at you? Talk about their 3 toddlers and 5 XL bullys? Talk about where they could grow the weed?

Or was it just your prejudice of the smell of weed? Maybe they live in an area where the smell permeates the air all day so it clings to them and they wanted to move somewhere nicer?

You could sell it to Mr and Mrs Respectable who turn up a nicely polished car, wearing business suits and sipping energy shakes and they turn out to be Mr and Mrs Listen to Death Metal at 2am on Full Volume whilst Mr and Mrs Smells a Bit Like Weed turn out to be Mr and Mrs Heart of the Community

You're struggling to sell and want to move. They're perfect for your needs. Take the offer. You never know who the new owners are going to turn out to be really.

It's not really prejudice about the weed. Weed absolutely stinks - who wants to live next to that.
The loud music was disrespectful - again- who wants to live next to that?

So the couple are disrespectful and involved in drugs.

Personally I wouldn't do business with morally corrupt people.

Gingerdancedbackwards · 20/06/2024 03:23

SlothOnARope · 20/06/2024 01:01

Honestly, if she was genuinely my friend, I'd tell her about the pot heads, see what she says. If I could wait I would wait, if it would adversely affect my family I wouldn't 🤷

Difficult one. Tbh even if it wasn't for the neighbour, if I'd been happy in the house I'd probably wait for other buyers anyway. Never trust a pot head.

But, you can trust a drunk?
You'd be surprised at the number of professionals, often those you will be regularly in contact with, are regular smokers.
They are not zombified stay-at-home n'are-do-wells

ForGreyKoala · 20/06/2024 03:29

Everythingiscalmfornow · 20/06/2024 00:53

I sold a previous home. It was a downstairs cottage flat. One of the viewers was a nurse who did night shift and who slept during the day. She loved the flat and enthused about how quiet the estate was and ideal for her. She put in the best of the 3 offers we had for the flat.
However our upstairs neighbour had a really powerful washing machine which was just awful. Not only noisy but the whole place shook when they used it. And they used it every day. I knew she would no sleep or disrupted sleep . So after much deliberation I accepted the second highest offer.
I bitterly regretted doing that. I lost out on about £3000 and the nurse was upset that her offer was refused- she made enquiries with my solicitor because she couldn't understand why her offer wasn't good enough.
So I agree with your colleague. Do what is best for you.

Edited

Why on earth didn't you just tell the nurse about the washing machine and let her decide if she was willing to put up with it?

anon4net · 20/06/2024 03:56

I think you are lovely @Nurseamy87

I couldn't do that to a beloved neighbour so I think I'd have to wait it out unless there was an emergency, etc and I had to be there asap - for example new job starts August 1 or September 1 etc.

HelpMeGetThrough · 20/06/2024 05:44

Thing to think about is, if your neighbour needed to sell, would she be thinking the same as you, or accept the offer and move.

FrankTheDog · 20/06/2024 05:50

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