Moral dilemma

[Nurseamy87]

Hi, I have registered just to make this post, been told this is the place to come for some good honest advice so here I am…!

This is such a huge moral dilemma for me, I just do not know what to do :(

We have the loveliest (attached) next door neighbour. We moved in on the same day (new builds), and hit it off with her straightaway. She told us about how in her last house, she was miserablr due to some nightmare neighbours who were noisy, argued all the time, and smoked weed. Our estate is very quiet and sounds completely opposite to where she used to live.

Over the 3-ish years that we have been neighbours, I’d say that we have become friends, we have drinks at Christmas, been shopping together, BBQs.

Our house is currently on the market, we’ve been on the market for around three months now. We’re relocating to be closer to DH’s family.

We’ve been getting anxious about the lack of offers on the house. Since going on the market, I estimate we’ve had around 20 viewings… lost track on exact number. We did previously have one offer, but the chain fell through pretty fast.

However, at the weekend we had a viewing, and on Monday morning an offer. On paper, they are in a great position, first time buyers, mortgage offer, and the estate agent told us they have seen proof of the deposit. This would be great for us because we are not making an onward purchase straightaway (renting initially). So,
that all sounds great.

Here’s the issue. When these buyers turned up for the viewing, they pulled up outside the house with their music blasting from the car - they arrived a bit early for the viewing and they were sitting there for a good few minutes with music blaring before coming to knock on the door.. you literally could not make this up. And when they came into our home, I was horrified to realise at least one of them absolutely stank of weed.

In hindsight, I feel like I should’ve asked them to leave but I realise I’m probably quite uptight with my attitude towards such things compared to many people out there, so I let them look around the house. I’m surprised they were interested in this estate because - as I mentioned earlier- it is quiet and not a lot happens!

We were quite surprised to receive the offer. And as I mentioned, on paper, it sounds like they are in a great position to proceed.

I just don’t know if I can do it to our lovely next-door neighbour, though. She was clearly emotional when I told her that the place was going on the market and actually said, “oh I really hope somebody lovely buys the place”. I can just tell that these people who have made us the offer will be absolutely horrendous to live next to, and make her life miserable again.

But they are literally our only offer…! We don’t know what to do!!

I was talking to a colleague about this yesterday and her response was to tell me that we should do what suits us, that we will never see our neighbour again due to the fact we’re moving quite a distance away, and we should look after ourselves.
I feel morally that this is such a difficult decision, I will feel terrible about this afterwards. Also, as she is my friend, I’d fully hope she wants to keep in contact with me, as I know I would like to with her!

We’ve asked the estate agent if there is anything particular from the feedback of previous viewings that indicates we may need to improve anything in the house, to attract more buyers, but they’ve just told us that the market is very slow currently, and that our house is presented very well, neutrally decorated, no clutter, clean and tidy for viewings, so not much else we can do.

What would you all do?!

thank you for any advice, and I’m sorry this post is so long.

I wondered the same thing. Sounds absurd. So many people here who would turn a simple house sale into a moral dilemma.

I can understand the moral difficulty here but your buyers would only be making somebody else's life hell if they bought elsewhere.

I think the estate agent costs would only be payable if the buyer met the asking price, or the offer had initially been accepted.

I have weed smokers either side of me . They smoke it it in their garden. Which is small and it's disgusting. It's worse in the summer. Have my doors open because it's hot then get the smell of weed in my living room and have to shut the doors. My bedroom. Window may be open a bit and i forget . I go to bed and my bedroom stinks of weed. It also gives me a headache. It's everywhere even on buses. Its even worse with heavy users . I realised the other day I see more weed smokers than people smoking normal cigarettes

I think you’re being very judgemental - none of what you saw means they will be nightmare neighbours. If you put your neighbours needs above your own, where does it end ? You’re selling your home out of necessity, not embarking on a mission to find the perfect replacement for yourselves. Did you accept the offer before thinking it through, or have you not responded yet ? If the former then you could well be liable for estate agent fees if you back out. And if the latter, remember they will probably keep looking while they wait for your response. They have a mortgage offer and the longer you delay, the more chance they will find something they like better. You need to toughen up or you’ll create unnecessary drama.

It isn’t your problem, but it might indicate that they are not necessarily the most reliable buyer so I would speak to the EA, explain your concerns and make sure they have absolutely dotted all the ‘i’s in their background financial checks - and also make sure there were no other potential buyers who might still want to take a look?

Don't get the posts saying you're being judgemental!!

Many people don't have an issue with weed, however I can understand people not liking it particularly your friend, in the circumstances. And there's a difference between having a bit on a Friday evening, and it being habitual to the point you light up before a house viewing!!

But the music is more of a red flag - they're clearly totally socially oblivious at best.

I would sell to someone else, if you're not in a rush. But if you do need to get it sold...

Fwiw, I cringe looking back at when we bought our house in our 20s - definitely noisy rows, a few low-key parties, generally on the inconsiderate side (though our road sounds a lot more mixed and noisy than yours). Seven years later we have two small children, have no energy to argue, and are asleep early every night!! So maybe your perspective buyers will mellow out as they get older. You may or may not be condemning your neighbours to a couple of years of nonsense, rather than it being indefinite...

I think you’re trying to be very kind. You’re also judging your buyers based on two small points and extrapolating concerns from there.

I often drive with loud music, I sometimes sit in my drive with the music on loud (rural, no immediate neighbours) but I’m also very considerate, quiet, friendly woman. I’m confident I’d make an excellent neighbour 😄

I would accept the offer. If you hold out for the perfect buyers they might never come. You never know what people will be like behind closed doors.

But she isn’t turning the offer down because of race, colour, religion, sex, disability, familial status or national origin… so even if she were in the US (which she isn’t so totally irrelevant) she’d be well within her rights to turn down their offer. Blasting out loud music and smoking weed is not protected from discrimination.

Of course it does… if they’re happy to blare music out to the whole street from their car they’re going to be happy to do the same from their house!

Honestly, it's nice that you're tying to think of your friend, but at the end of the day, if you live in an attached house, you run the risk that antisocial neighbours could move in at any time. If your neighbour is that unhappy about noise, the onus is on her to move to a detached house. You could wait to sell to a lovely couple, then they decide to move on after a year or so and sell to the neighbours from hell.

I have a friend who smokes weed, and likes loud music. She is a very proud of her garden, and is considerate and quiet as a neighbour.

I have had neighbours who have parties and play loud music - I couldn't care less, everyone is allowed to have some fun.

Some very judgemental people on this thread (typical MNers!!).

Oh please, this really is the place to draw the line on 'be kind' to others at your own expense. Imagine one perfectly reasonable scenario.

You decline the offer and stay put. Your lovely neighbour's circumstances change and your viewers buy her place instead.

Or are the two of you now stuck living next to each other for ever?

I love my neighbours and I couldn't do that to them.

It would be awful. You are making their own houses unsaleable too.

Nope. That’s an unfair judgement call based on a momentary snapshot. My neighbour sometimes sits in her car for a few minutes after pulling into the driveway. She has loud music playing while she gathers her stuff together or listens to the end of a song. She’s quiet as a mouse in the house and always lets us know if she’s having a social gathering that may be noisy. Lots of people, including myself, play music in their cars at much louder volume than they would at home. Doesn’t mean they’re nightmare neighbours.

I play music loudly in my car.
I don't play loudly in my house at unsociable times.
I don't smoke weed or cigarettes but a neighbour does, but they go to the far end of the garden.
My NDN plays her radio really loudly while gardening... she's over 80 and deaf.
Take the offer.

I didn't mean to sound harsh, just thought that would be the sensible thing to do. Sorry to hear about your DH.

I think I'd have told the nurse why I didn't feel I could accept her offer.

People in business suits can smoke weed too, and they can be bad neighbours too. The couple offering to buy, might be living in a bad area, and wanting a better life.You take the offer and move.

You cannot tell what sort of neighbours people will be. You may hold out for that perfect couple for your neighbours and the neighbours will be ringing you to say what an absolute nightmare they are. They may decide to build a huge extension, have drunken parties every week, burn bonfires every Saturday, have screaming children, barking dogs, sun bathe naked, who can tell. I don't know how you expect to vet all your potential buyers to make sure they are acceptable to your neighbours. Not that you have potential buyers hammering at your door.

I don't think you can know what the future holds. People change and sometimes quickly. The noisy couple have their first child and the loud music goes off. The lovely couples teenage daughter goes off the rails and the quiet house becomes party central with screaming arguments and police arriving...this last from my personal experience.

I mean, this is a bit silly isnt it? what next- neighbours who have loud toddlers/kids, neighbours who look "rough", neighbours who play musical instruments, neighbours who have lots of animals- where are you going to draw the line?

How do you discern from one meeting that they'll be good neighbours- are you going to give them all a psychometric test to make sure they arent unhinged?

Obviously it's up to you but if you continue to turn down everyone you dont deem as acceptable then you will have to be prepared to potentially wait a year or more to sell your house. Are you willing to do this for someone you "hope" will keep in touch?

If the boot was on the other foot your neighbour would do it to you . You are moving far away and will probably lose touch anyway. Look after yourself.

However, at the weekend we had a viewing, and on Monday morning an offer. On paper, they are in a great position, first time buyers, mortgage offer, and the estate agent told us they have seen proof of the deposit

Then they cannot be that irresponsible surely- if they were complete wasters who sat around smoking weed all day and didnt have jobs then how would they have got a mortgage in the first place?

I also dont believe your neighbour would do that for you. You probably like to think she would but in reality she lives next door to you- she isnt a life long close friend and I suspect once you move you wont see her again anyway and then you'll feel massive resentment for waiting so long.

I wouldn’t either. I can tell if someone smells even slightly but I wouldn’t know that it’s weed. I would assume that it’s their washing powder or deodorant.