Moral dilemma

[Nurseamy87]

Hi, I have registered just to make this post, been told this is the place to come for some good honest advice so here I am…!

This is such a huge moral dilemma for me, I just do not know what to do :(

We have the loveliest (attached) next door neighbour. We moved in on the same day (new builds), and hit it off with her straightaway. She told us about how in her last house, she was miserablr due to some nightmare neighbours who were noisy, argued all the time, and smoked weed. Our estate is very quiet and sounds completely opposite to where she used to live.

Over the 3-ish years that we have been neighbours, I’d say that we have become friends, we have drinks at Christmas, been shopping together, BBQs.

Our house is currently on the market, we’ve been on the market for around three months now. We’re relocating to be closer to DH’s family.

We’ve been getting anxious about the lack of offers on the house. Since going on the market, I estimate we’ve had around 20 viewings… lost track on exact number. We did previously have one offer, but the chain fell through pretty fast.

However, at the weekend we had a viewing, and on Monday morning an offer. On paper, they are in a great position, first time buyers, mortgage offer, and the estate agent told us they have seen proof of the deposit. This would be great for us because we are not making an onward purchase straightaway (renting initially). So,
that all sounds great.

Here’s the issue. When these buyers turned up for the viewing, they pulled up outside the house with their music blasting from the car - they arrived a bit early for the viewing and they were sitting there for a good few minutes with music blaring before coming to knock on the door.. you literally could not make this up. And when they came into our home, I was horrified to realise at least one of them absolutely stank of weed.

In hindsight, I feel like I should’ve asked them to leave but I realise I’m probably quite uptight with my attitude towards such things compared to many people out there, so I let them look around the house. I’m surprised they were interested in this estate because - as I mentioned earlier- it is quiet and not a lot happens!

We were quite surprised to receive the offer. And as I mentioned, on paper, it sounds like they are in a great position to proceed.

I just don’t know if I can do it to our lovely next-door neighbour, though. She was clearly emotional when I told her that the place was going on the market and actually said, “oh I really hope somebody lovely buys the place”. I can just tell that these people who have made us the offer will be absolutely horrendous to live next to, and make her life miserable again.

But they are literally our only offer…! We don’t know what to do!!

I was talking to a colleague about this yesterday and her response was to tell me that we should do what suits us, that we will never see our neighbour again due to the fact we’re moving quite a distance away, and we should look after ourselves.
I feel morally that this is such a difficult decision, I will feel terrible about this afterwards. Also, as she is my friend, I’d fully hope she wants to keep in contact with me, as I know I would like to with her!

We’ve asked the estate agent if there is anything particular from the feedback of previous viewings that indicates we may need to improve anything in the house, to attract more buyers, but they’ve just told us that the market is very slow currently, and that our house is presented very well, neutrally decorated, no clutter, clean and tidy for viewings, so not much else we can do.

What would you all do?!

thank you for any advice, and I’m sorry this post is so long.

what would she do in your place?

of course you accept the offer

You’re being incredibly judgmental. You can’t ‘just tell’ that they are going to make your neighbour miserable because you don’t know them. Maybe you know that your neighbour is uptight and would be likely to complain at anything.

You have no idea what they will be like as neighbours. You have made assumptions about them based on very little. Smoking weed == antisocial behaviour and playing music in their car likewise. Take the offer, don't even give it a second thought.

Maybe spend less time judging people and more time moving house

Tell them you'll think about the offer but keep it on the market incase a better offer comes along? I probably a wouldn't accept it if you'll feel guilty and as though you're letting your friend down.

Look, this may sound harsh but hear me out. I have spent my life not doing things exactly like this in case it upsets others, have always tried to bend over backwards for other people, done loads of favours, not wanting anyone to be upset or sad, gone out of my way to support people etc.

Do you know what I have got back from all of that? absolutely jack shit. It's never been reciprocated because most people prioritise themselves. Dont get me wrong- I am not saying it's not good to be kind to people, at all. What I am saying is- you cannot live your life trying to please others because you know what- THEY DONT. What happens when the next person visits and they have three big loud dogs or a screaming baby?- you only gonna sell to an introvert who lives alone and has no visitors and goes to bed at 7pm?

It's lovely that you're thinking about this but you cannot be responsible for everyone else's life. I've been there, done it and got the t shirt and it hasn't helped me at all- in fact, all its done is make me rather cynical.

Accept the offer. They smoke weed, they arent serial killers (presumably!)

I wouldn't sell to them. At the very least the garden will stink of weed. The chances are that they are not going to be considerate quiet neighbours. If I really liked my neighbour enough to consider her a friend I couldn't do this.

You are making assumptions that they are going to be bad neighbours.

My neighbours looked perfectly respectable, gave off a great first impression. Turns out they were racist and racially abused my husband. We had to report to the police who gave them a warning. Just because someone doesnt smoke weed or play music in their car does not mean they are decent neighbours. You are being incredibly naive to think that.

unless I was desperate for the sale id wait, we have new neighbours next door who aren’t considerate and it’s pretty miserable tbh

Its not a moral dilemma really. It's a straight choice as to whether your friendship and desire for your neighbours happiness is sufficient to put that before your own interests. Which will depend purely on how much you care for her. I wouldn't do that to my daughter or sister for example, but I probably would to a casual acquaintance I liked a bit. You need to decide where she comes in your scale of affection and priority.
Obviously a lot of assumptions are being made here, firstly that it will proceed to plan and be her worst nightmare if you do accept. Another possible scenario is that she will see them, be upset and it will all fall through and you lose her friendship for nothing. Another still is that they proceed and prove to play music only in their car, smoke weed only occasionally and be otherwise lovely and she is delighted they bought the place.

I've read a lot of people saying the weed smoking is morally corrupt and being very judgemental.
I'd like to say I personally do not like the smell but I think it is quite common these days and it's certainly not corrupt! It's inconsiderate. I walk around the park and smell it, people are more openly smoking it. I'm not saying it means it's right or acceptable, I do not think it is, just pointing out the way society is moving. Also, the judgement....how do you not know one of the viewers had a health condition or arthritis or disability and that is why they smoke it or had even been prescribed it?
For example, would someone who has MS who smokes it to help their pain relief be morally corrupt?

Well there were a few ongoing issues with my neighbour. I was really worried because as I understood things the law forbade selling a property if you were in dispute with your neighbour. So I felt I wasn't being entirely honest in the sale and was being guarded in the information I was giving potential buyers. I was so anxious not to jeopardise selling the property at all.
It was also very shortly after the sudden death of my DH and I wasn't entirely 100% mentally. It was the first time I'd had to handle a property sale.

I felt bad enough selling the property to the second couple and I didn't even like them very much.

Our old neighbour was ideal on paper, older single lady who appeared to care for her home and garden, but she was a nightmare. Played loud music and harassment. You don’t know what any buyer will turn out to be, and you’re judging your buyers based on very little. Just get on with the sale.

Hi @Nurseamy87 I understand your concern given what you know about your neighbours past. However pot smokers aren't all degenerate arseholes. My next door but one neighbours smoke a lot of pot and they are lovely decent people.
Just to add a bit of balance here.

You just need to accept the offer if you want to move, someone nice could buy yours and then rent it out to horrible neighbours or someone nice could buy it and then sell it to horrible neighbours within a few years.

Even if you felt like you were selling to nice neighbours they might not be and vice versa.

Weed is my absolute least favorite smell. I couldn’t knowingly inflict that on anyone I liked. Awful awful stuff.

realistically you need to move and this is your only offer. Can you afford to wait for the perfect neighbour ( judged on one meeting) to offer? I can often tell when my husband gets home as I hear the music before the car is on the drive. However we don’t play loud music at home, don’t have late parties and try to be considerate ( have stopped dog barking once we realised it was disturbing the neighbours). Don’t judge on one meeting and don’t let your friendship with the neighbour mean you lose out on a buyer for your home

I would be worried they'd pull out as they don't seem like considerate people.
But being a good person doesn't mean that you prevent potentially bad outcomes for other people. It means you yourself personally behave well.

Does your neighbour make you feel like you owe it to her to l8ve next door to her forever??

I'll tell you from experience, people like that expect loyalty and sacrifice from you but they will not give it in return. They take the next job, house, holiday, invitation....

Why shouldn't they? But, they expect you to decline invites and opportunities for their consideration.

My mother is like this so I ended up with lots more people in my life like this. Nice to you if you serve them well.

Am I the only one who accidentally read that as 'they smell of wee'?!

This.

It does stink. It's a horrible smell.

No dilemma here. You need to sell and they want to buy. You can’t know how anyone who buys your house is going to behave once they move in. A seemingly quiet couple could hold large parties. It’s not your responsibility. Anyway, we had a lovely neighbour for years - she was like an adopted grandmother to our children who adored her. One day DS kicked his ball into her garden by mistake and she never spoke to us again.

Sometimes you need to put yourself first and this is one of those times. If you had other buyers that would be different but you haven't.

I'm with you.
We picked buyers that would be good neighbours. Our neighbours were lovely, had had been there maybe 30 years and we also shared a driveway.
However, we were in a buoyant market, had a desirable house and could pick and choose.
Will you be liable for estate agent costs if you turn down a proceedable offer?

Ok, it's about personal taste then
Many do not find it offensive