Moral dilemma

[Nurseamy87]

Hi, I have registered just to make this post, been told this is the place to come for some good honest advice so here I am…!

This is such a huge moral dilemma for me, I just do not know what to do :(

We have the loveliest (attached) next door neighbour. We moved in on the same day (new builds), and hit it off with her straightaway. She told us about how in her last house, she was miserablr due to some nightmare neighbours who were noisy, argued all the time, and smoked weed. Our estate is very quiet and sounds completely opposite to where she used to live.

Over the 3-ish years that we have been neighbours, I’d say that we have become friends, we have drinks at Christmas, been shopping together, BBQs.

Our house is currently on the market, we’ve been on the market for around three months now. We’re relocating to be closer to DH’s family.

We’ve been getting anxious about the lack of offers on the house. Since going on the market, I estimate we’ve had around 20 viewings… lost track on exact number. We did previously have one offer, but the chain fell through pretty fast.

However, at the weekend we had a viewing, and on Monday morning an offer. On paper, they are in a great position, first time buyers, mortgage offer, and the estate agent told us they have seen proof of the deposit. This would be great for us because we are not making an onward purchase straightaway (renting initially). So,
that all sounds great.

Here’s the issue. When these buyers turned up for the viewing, they pulled up outside the house with their music blasting from the car - they arrived a bit early for the viewing and they were sitting there for a good few minutes with music blaring before coming to knock on the door.. you literally could not make this up. And when they came into our home, I was horrified to realise at least one of them absolutely stank of weed.

In hindsight, I feel like I should’ve asked them to leave but I realise I’m probably quite uptight with my attitude towards such things compared to many people out there, so I let them look around the house. I’m surprised they were interested in this estate because - as I mentioned earlier- it is quiet and not a lot happens!

We were quite surprised to receive the offer. And as I mentioned, on paper, it sounds like they are in a great position to proceed.

I just don’t know if I can do it to our lovely next-door neighbour, though. She was clearly emotional when I told her that the place was going on the market and actually said, “oh I really hope somebody lovely buys the place”. I can just tell that these people who have made us the offer will be absolutely horrendous to live next to, and make her life miserable again.

But they are literally our only offer…! We don’t know what to do!!

I was talking to a colleague about this yesterday and her response was to tell me that we should do what suits us, that we will never see our neighbour again due to the fact we’re moving quite a distance away, and we should look after ourselves.
I feel morally that this is such a difficult decision, I will feel terrible about this afterwards. Also, as she is my friend, I’d fully hope she wants to keep in contact with me, as I know I would like to with her!

We’ve asked the estate agent if there is anything particular from the feedback of previous viewings that indicates we may need to improve anything in the house, to attract more buyers, but they’ve just told us that the market is very slow currently, and that our house is presented very well, neutrally decorated, no clutter, clean and tidy for viewings, so not much else we can do.

What would you all do?!

thank you for any advice, and I’m sorry this post is so long.

Well you cant have it both ways. Be as picky as you want with regards to buyers but you cant really then moan about it not selling can you?

Loud music and weed are antisocial behaviour. It's not an assumption it's a fact. The assumption the OP is making is only that they are likely to continue these behaviours once they move in, which is not unreasonable.

Fair enough lots of people blast loud music in their cars but if you were pulling up outside a house you were hoping to buy on a quiet road you might end up living on surely you'd have the self awareness to turn it down with the intention of creating a good impression at least till you had moved in and your neighbours knew you.

It's completely reasonable that the OP 'just knew' these people would be inconsiderate neighbours.

Re having to be a hard worker (which implies being upstanding) to get a mortgage, I know several hard working tradesmen and self employed professionals that smoke weed and do coke day and night.
They have mortgages and nice cars etc but that doesn't equate to them being good neighbours.

OP it really is a tough one and I don't know what I'd do but as others have said it depends really how badly you need to move.
Good luck

I think you're very considerate to be taking into account your neighbour's feelings on this - I would want to do the same, although equally I echo what a previous poster said about ultimately getting jack shit because everyone prioritises themselves.

I hate the smell of weed; I've lived in a big block of flats where the smell permeated through the walls and filled my hallway and the communal areas. Whoever the culprits were smoked so much of it that even them walking through the communal hallway left a lingering stink for a while. If weed didn't smell, I wouldn't care as much, although however much the 'but alcohol!!!!! I buy my weed from an old hippy who grows it in his garden actually!!!! judgemental much!!!!!' crowd might deny it it does usually go hand in hand with other antisocial behaviour, whether that's blasting music at all hours, letting their dog shit in the street, unpleasant people hanging around, etc.

Of course there's a chance that the couple were just unthinking about their music and didn't realise they smelled so bad and would otherwise be perfectly lovely neighbours. But I do think turning up, blasting music for 10 minutes and stinking of weed does indicate a thoughtlessness/selfishness that doesn't lend itself to being a good, or even tolerable, neighbour. Surely most normal people want to make a good impression on their potential future neighbours when they go and view somewhere?

None of this really answers your question - if I was desperate to sell, would I? Probably - I'd try to convince myself that maybe I'd just caught the buyers on a bad day. But I would feel guilty for the neighbour.

People saying OP has no idea if they'll be a nuisance. They may be lovely personality wise, that's true.

But if they smell strongly of weed when simply visiting, they are likely to be heavy users. And living next door to people who smoke weed heavily absolutely will mean that the smell is ever present.

People who have smoked weed regularly or lived with / next to people who have done will be able to confirm this.

It is antisocial in that it affects neighbour's enjoyment of their garden especially and their indoor space if windows are left open.

It's not pearl clutching to say that, it's not a value judgment on them as people.

The smell is one that is strong and lingers. If you don't like the smell, it really impacts your enjoyment of your home living next to heavy users.

If you'd let the agent do the viewing you'd be totally unaware of this.

Does the neighbour know you do the viewings?

Well I've explained above why I didn't tell her about the issue when she came for the viewing. And all though at the viewing she said she intended putting in a good offer I had no idea until the closing date that her offer was going to be the highest. I was hoping it wouldn't be.

I never saw her after the viewing and had no opportunity to talk to her personally. She asked about why I hadn't accepted her offer through my solicitor. His advice was that I had no obligation to explain things to her and that I should not explain myself.

Perhaps I should add I'm in Scotland and certainly at that time house selling was done differently from in England. So I don't know how the situation would have panned out under English law.

You can't control who buys your house. People who look nice when they turn up may be awful. Who knows.
It's your only offer. You'd be mad to turn it down

It is antisocial in that it affects neighbour's enjoyment of their garden especially and their indoor space if windows are left open

So is a constantly barking dog- it's literally hell to hear that non stop, I know because I've experienced it. Should OP not allow anyone with pets either? Curious where the line is drawn here because weed isnt the only nuisance that a neighbour can be subjected to.

You sound very nice OP. I can understand your concern and if it’s not urgent that you move, then it would be extremely lovely of you (certainly not expected) to hold off until you get another offer.

Having said that, I would imagine it would be highly unusual to decline an offer, regardless of the potential neighbours. In an ideal world everyone would be a decent neighbour but sadly not everyone is as considerate as you. You’re under no obligation so do what’s right for you

I actually don't think I could do it to her. And even selfishly speaking- they don't even show consideration when playing music, how will they be as buyers?

I’m wondering if you’re mistaken, unless they had just put it out, they would not smell of weed, maybe it was cigarettes you could smell. In addition they can afford to buy your house. So clearly not the stereotypical pot head.

i have a disabled friend who smoke’s weed, you can’t smell it off her unless she’s just had a joint, and the likely hood of them just having a joint, when driving is low to non existent.

I couldn’t sell to people like this if I was friendly with my neighbours. If they were able to put in a decent offer I’m sure that others will come along soon.

How were they as people? Have you ever stepped outside of your car and left the music playing at the normal volume? Because it's surprising how loud it is.

And I hate weed but the most it will affect your neighbours is the smell if they smoke outside. There is nothingnto suggest that they are party animals or anything other than two financially responsible adults, perhaps looking to start a family, where one of them smokes weed at the moment. A lot of people do it pre-kids.

You just don't know who your buyers are going to turn out to be. Mr & Mrs Perfect might turn out to be an alcoholic, domestically violent, drink driving nightmare.

Before we bought this house DH had to spend an afternoon here waiting for an electrician to check the wiring, the house was empty so the estate agent gave him the key to get the checks done.

He was very impressed by the couple in the house opposite, they both had BMWs, he was wearing a suit, she was smartly dressed and they had a little boy of a similar age to our son.

It didn't take us long to work out that if they were smartly dressed they must have been in court. They had very recently moved in with one little boy, four teens turned up over the next few months, at least one straight from prison and another on bail. The mother and one of the teens were both pregnant and they used to send the little boy over to us to play and not answer their door for hours so we couldn't send him back. They used to ring cars right outside our house. Our car was stolen off our drive and never recovered. One of the teens threatened our six year old when he had a schoolfriend round to play instead of playing with her brother

Appearances can really be deceptive.

While overall i agree you cant make a full judgement from a brief interaction, (and that smoking weed is so normalised it doesnt say anything about a persons character or what type of a neighbour they would be) this is a really weird post

Most people know what weed smells like, it can't really be mistaken for anything else, including vape or normal nicotine cigarettes, why would anyone need to identify the strain? And I can't imagine anyone would ever go and tell someone in a car playing music across the street for five minutes to turn it down but that is completely different to living next door to someone who plays music constantly.

Honestly op I would go for it. If you'd had other offers they could come across well on paper but still be terrible neighbour's. It's by chance you had this brief interaction with these people, often estate agents try to get owners to leave the premises so they have no idea about the potential buyers -I never met either the person I bought my last house off nor the one I sold it to. Plus even if you sold it to lovely perfect neighbours they could then move again soon after or rent it out.

A potential buyer could smell lovely but also be an axe murderer - how far are you prepared to go in vetting whoever you sell your house to in order to make sure your neighbour won't have any trouble with them?

Even if you have carefully vetted them and approve of them, they might still have a personality clash with the new neighbour or might sell up and someone loud and smelly moves in after them anyway.

You can't control what someone who buys your house will do with that house when it's not yours any more.

Decline the offer if you want, but if you decide to act to your own detriment for your neighbour's potential benefit (I say potential as you don't actually know who will make the best/worst neighbour just from meeting them once), ask yourself how you can ever be sure that the person who moves into your house will definitely be at least as nice a neighbour as you are? How far are you prepared to go to secure your neighbour's peace of mind and happiness? Will you feel resentful if you still haven't found another buyer in six months' time?

When I was a kid in the 80s we had a guy living opposite us in a suburban road who was the epitome of a good neighbour- quiet, smartly dressed, never made a sound, seemed pleasant enough, always exchanged niceties etc

One day the police came round to ask us if we'd seen/heard anything as the night before he'd brutally murdered someone he met at a bar in his house with a machete. "But he seemed so harmless" is a cliche but it really can be true sometimes. You cant always blindly trust everyone who appears "nice".

Well said.

The OP knows almost nothing about this couple, and looking respectable is no guarantee that someone will be a good neighbour.

She knows they don’t have enough sense to turn their music down in a residential area and that they smoke enough weed to reek of it. That’s plenty.

“Someone else might be worse” isn’t a good reason to ignore red flags. I understand the “not your problem” posts but not the ones acting as if plenty of lovely people to have as neighbors blast their music and are nonstop burning. No one wants to live next door to that shit.

I understand your dilemma! See people wouldn't care less but you're a nice person. I have to admot that when we sold our house a few years ago we chose someone who our neighbour knew and liked over a first time buyer! They could be fine...

I agree with this. If you are only going to sell to someone who in your view from one meeting is going to be a “good neighbour” then do that. However, you don’t really then have the right to complain about it taking so long as realistically that could take months and months 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes of course there are anti discrimination laws on the books. It would be next to impossible to prove in a private house sale/rejected offer. So in practice you can decline to accept any offer.

It’s really not like that here. A simple phone call to the state’s board of realtors could put the agent’s license and livelihood in jeopardy. So if you want to decline, the agent involved would be very foolish to go along with it if the other party is a member of any class with protected characteristics.

In the UK we're still allowed to dislike people just because they're unlikeable. Having a protected characteristic doesn't prevent someone being thoroughly unlikeable.

I have a couple of rental flats. The letting agents and I are perfectly entitled to, and will, "discriminate" against a prospective tenant who turns up blaring music loudly in their car and smelling of weed. If I'm selling them I'm perfectly entitled to choose to refuse to sell to such a person.