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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Motnight · 19/06/2024 21:23

He is abusive and trying to assert his dominance, Op. You sound like a fabulous person. You might not be ready to be told this yet, but you need to leave him

FuzzyStripes · 19/06/2024 21:23

Why are you bothering? Neither of you seem to want to be in the relationship or even seem to like each other. Life’s too short for all this drama.

Ski2025 · 19/06/2024 21:24

At least you know now before the wedding.

Gakpo · 19/06/2024 21:24

Punching a door.

Always a good sign….

TusconTrain · 19/06/2024 21:25

Get out now, immediately. Get up and leave. You can go back for anything you leave behind. His abuse will continue to escalate.

I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

You don't know that, at all. The punching other things is designed to control you, to show you what he could do to you. Can you go to a friend's or family member's house? You need to leave. As soon as safely possible.

turkeymuffin · 19/06/2024 21:26

TusconTrain · 19/06/2024 21:25

Get out now, immediately. Get up and leave. You can go back for anything you leave behind. His abuse will continue to escalate.

I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

You don't know that, at all. The punching other things is designed to control you, to show you what he could do to you. Can you go to a friend's or family member's house? You need to leave. As soon as safely possible.

He will hit you eventually. They always do.

Get out now while you can.

KreedKafer · 19/06/2024 21:26

Why on earth haven’t you dumped this man? He’s an abusive, aggressive bully.

LisaD1 · 19/06/2024 21:27

Yeah you’re in the wrong… for staying with this prick. As other have said just get out, this will get worse.

WaltzingWaters · 19/06/2024 21:29

You need to leave. His abuse and anger will at some point escalate.

Smittenkitchen · 19/06/2024 21:30

Is it your house?
I think you need to end things. He will never change and only get worse. He sounds like he has contempt for you which is just horrible.

Itiswhysofew · 19/06/2024 21:30

You don't actually sound compatible. As for punching the door in a fit of anger; I'd be very concerned about it and wouldn't want to live with someone who resorts to violence when trying to resolve issues. He doesn't care about your feelings, so no, don't stay with him.

KreedKafer · 19/06/2024 21:30

I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things

I thought my ex would ‘only’ ever punch things like doors and walls, until one day he punched me in the face three times and broke my nose.

However, even if your boyfriend didn’t have a violent bone in his body, he is still a nasty prove of work who enjoys bullying and humiliating you. He’s abusive and he likes to make you cry. Leave.

Mummy2024 · 19/06/2024 21:34

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

Leave this relationship.... sorry but leave

FOJN · 19/06/2024 21:35

I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

You don't know that at all. I bet there will be women reading this wishing they'd run the first time a partner punched a door or a wall.

You talk about him hitting things as if this is not the first time and you are scared of him. He's abusive, this is no way to live.

Leave before you become the door because you almost certainly will.

SensualDecay · 19/06/2024 21:35

Oh, I'm sorry, OP. It feels like being such a drama llama when your partner starts acting violent because of course now it's you who has to draw the line and make a thing of it and talk about all these horrible things and so you try to tone it down by saying you're sure he'd never hit you.

He might not hit you for many years. He might never hit you. He might nearly hit you. He might continue to just create a horrible hostile home environment where you can never relax and feel safe.

If you were going to act in your best interests, you'd work on leaving him in the way which came at least expense to you. It's the most immediately painful choice. But to be a happy thriving woman, it's the choice to make.

Even if you don't do it right now, keep it as a long term option. Always know how you would leave him. I'm sorry he's turned out to be like this. xxx

I'llBuyThatForADollar · 19/06/2024 21:58

Please leave this man. You deserve so much more. You can and will be better off, happier and will find peace Flowers

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 19/06/2024 22:08

Run.

He's lazy, abusive, controlling, shot at housework, crap at communicating, drives in a scary way when you argue, and now he's punched a wall.

Nah.

Life's too short. And he'll punch you one of these days.

Get out now.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/06/2024 22:09

Get the fuck out and don't look back 🚩

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

TusconTrain · 19/06/2024 21:25

Get out now, immediately. Get up and leave. You can go back for anything you leave behind. His abuse will continue to escalate.

I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

You don't know that, at all. The punching other things is designed to control you, to show you what he could do to you. Can you go to a friend's or family member's house? You need to leave. As soon as safely possible.

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 19/06/2024 22:12

@TheShyRoseZebra Omg stop it. It's your home. Of course you can ask him to leave. If he won't, call the sodding police! Honestly, don't do this. You don't need to put up with this shit.

Chestnuttrees · 19/06/2024 22:13

Guilty - why? Have you read women who love too much? Explore why you feel guilty . That may help you (greatly) going forward.

If I demanded the lady who provided the roof over my head to buy me mayo, clean the limescale on her day off and then punched her door - I would expect her to kick me out. I wouldn’t expect her to feel guilty.

Rosesanddaffs · 19/06/2024 22:13

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

@TheShyRoseZebra I applaud you for telling him to get fucked when he told you to clean the toilet 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

He sounds abusive, flush this one down the toilet, you can do so much better xx

SensualDecay · 19/06/2024 22:14

OP, you can't put his possible issues with renting above your own wellbeing. You don't have to feel guilty about that.

You say he don't think he would leave even if you asked him to. This is a problem that needs to be worked on. You need to know how you'd get him out and be able to. This is your home and he's being aggressive in it.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 19/06/2024 22:17

Ski2025 · 19/06/2024 21:24

At least you know now before the wedding.

Indeed

OP, put yourself first and save your money

However, only you can decide what to do next

IMO, consult parents if feasible!!

SensualDecay · 19/06/2024 22:18

I find the frustrated tone of a lot of posters when women are in DV situations very unreasonable.

People are saying, just kick him out! As if it's the easiest thing in the world. The OP has a sense of loyalty to this guy. It's very painful to find yourself getting abused by someone you love and having to find the strength to also put a stop to it.

Let's support the OP where she finds herself.

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