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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Overnightoats1 · 22/06/2024 09:03

Leave. Leave now. Way too many red flags here. 🚩

Anniegetyourgun · 22/06/2024 09:18

I left mine not when I got the strength together to leave, but when I ran out of the strength to hold it all together. We were married and had DC so it was more complicated than your situation. There was just enough of "myself" left to make it happen, and it certainly wasn't easy. XH was so shocked when he realised I really wasn't going back into my box, it would have been funny except that my sense of humour had fallen down the back of the sofa some time previously, I wasn't even sure when, I just realised one day that I hadn't laughed at anything in ages.

Thing is, they push it and push it until you start to snap back, then they go into loving mode and reel you back in. You're so relieved that things are back to "normal" that it feels wonderful. At last he's beginning to get it! It'll all be better from now on! And then the cycle starts again. (Google "cycle of abuse", it's a well known phenomenon.) This time he knows he's pushed a bit too far and he needs to work harder at hauling you back into line, hence going to the unprecedented lengths of using the S-word by text. You think, it's hard for him to apologise, but he's learning. No, he's just using another tool from the Abuser's Handset. When I divorced it was quite pathetic to see XH pressing all the usual manipulative buttons one after another, but now the buttons were entirely worn out and didn't work any more. Mind you that took 25 years. You don't have to wait that long!

For the record, XH was never a wall puncher and never turned violent. He favoured passive aggression and plausible deniability. That doesn't make him a nicer person than my dad, who wasn't above beating two little girls until they couldn't sit down, which he thought was reasonable discipline. But I thought it did.

Bubbles90 · 22/06/2024 11:15

Your relationship doesn't sound healthy. Its very unequal with you doing all the house work. This will never improve and only get worse. The pettiness he is showing you will only get worse and you will start to resent him big time. You should think carefully on whether this is a relationship you wish to remain in. Personally I would end it and ask him to leave. Its not your problem if there is very little to rent. He's a big boy, that's his problem.

pollymere · 22/06/2024 11:27

My ex was like that. Then his emotional abuse became physical abuse. Please get rid of him. He's using you as a free '50s housewife and it really never ends well.

Nipsmum · 22/06/2024 13:56

Why I heavens name are you still living with this selfish person. Partnerships should be more equal than that. He needs to learn to live with other people.a D grow up. YOU Are NOT His Mother

Whatineed · 22/06/2024 14:34

Get out. Or get him out. Please.

PorridgeEater · 22/06/2024 20:18

"Thing is, they push it and push it until you start to snap back, then they go into loving mode and reel you back in. You're so relieved that things are back to "normal" that it feels wonderful. At last he's beginning to get it! It'll all be better from now on! And then the cycle starts again. (Google "cycle of abuse", it's a well known phenomenon.) This time he knows he's pushed a bit too far and he needs to work harder at hauling you back into line, hence going to the unprecedented lengths of using the S-word by text. You think, it's hard for him to apologise, but he's learning. No, he's just using another tool from the Abuser's Handset. When I divorced it was quite pathetic to see XH pressing all the usual manipulative buttons one after another, but now the buttons were entirely worn out and didn't work any more. Mind you that took 25 years. You don't have to wait that long!"

This should ring alarm bells, as should many other words of wisdom on here.
If possible don't be alone with him when you tell him he needs to move on. If you can have someone to stay with you so much the better.

taylorswift1989 · 23/06/2024 08:25

He said that its a problem from my past, its is not reality, its baggage. He said that he can think that he is a donkey, but he will never be a donkey despite how much he thinks he is because its just not reality. He denys talking to me in a short/snappy way and says I am way too sensitive, its a problem of interpretation, and how I take things is wrong.

He is gaslighting you.

He's incredibly controlling. He feels the need to control your reality, right down to how you perceive the things that are happening to YOU. He knows he snaps and shouts at you, but he wants you to believe that you're imagining it. He knows his behaviour is aggressive and violent, but he wants you to believe that it's normal.

Please get out of this relationship. He is terrifying. Your update is so upsetting.

Clarabellemt · 23/06/2024 08:35

Run. Run now. There are so many red flags waving here. And do it quietly without telling him. I worry this will escalate when he knows he won't be able to control you.

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