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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Clueless2024 · 19/06/2024 22:18

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/06/2024 22:12

@TheShyRoseZebra Omg stop it. It's your home. Of course you can ask him to leave. If he won't, call the sodding police! Honestly, don't do this. You don't need to put up with this shit.

Exactly! You don't owe him anything. Clearly you are mismatched and he is an abusive bully who wants it all is own way & acts like a petulant child when he doesn't get it.

Chuck this toss pot. When he's out on one of his day trips, pack his stuff & have it on the porch. Change the locks, then block him.

S00tyandSweep · 19/06/2024 22:21

He needs to leave.

This relationship is over.

It sounds like he doesn't even like you or respect you, let alone love you. You're just his housemaid and cheap room mate.

Get him to leave, change the locks, even if it means packing up his stuff when he's at work and getting someone to come and stay with you for a bit.

Stoptherideiwanttogetoff24 · 19/06/2024 22:21

Please, please kick him out. You deserve so much better. This is not living, and it’s not right. Get rid of him.

ThunderQween · 19/06/2024 22:23

You need to end this relationship. Contact womens aid for help in doing so if necessary

StopStartStop · 19/06/2024 22:29

Run.
My ex and late husband kicked off because I had a chocolate from the second layer of a box of chocolates someone gave me for my birthday. I should have left him then.

LetsAllOvercomeOurFears · 19/06/2024 22:31

It’s not ‘a pickle’ OP, it’s a toxic relationship you need to end.

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 19/06/2024 22:33

Oh OP, this is abuse. My ex was exactly like this and it took me 10 miserable years to finally leave. It won't get better only worse. If you don't have kids to think about just do it now.

Aussieland · 19/06/2024 22:35

Don’t feel sad and guilty. Even if he had done nothing wrong it’s fine to ask someone to leave. But in fact HIS behaviour has led to this. It sounds like you are already drifting into just acceptance that this is ok and it’s fine and you will just need to live like this forever because it would be “impolite” to ask someone to move out of your house. Which sounds mental when you look at it objectively!

Whothefuckdoesthat · 19/06/2024 22:55

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

You don’t want to believe he would ever hurt you because then you’d have a very unpleasant decision to make. By hitting that door, he is telling you that he cannot control himself, he needs to hit something and he’s hitting the door so he doesn’t hit you. You’re living with a ticking time bomb.

If you allow this man to remain in your home, you are going down a very dangerous path. It doesn’t matter whether he wants to move out or not. He has no choice if you want him to leave. And it also doesn’t matter whether he can afford to rent somewhere else locally. He either rents a room or enters into a flat share, or stays with a friend or moves somewhere cheaper. You cannot put up with his violence and aggression simply so he doesn’t have to move from his nice, comfortable home with you. You are not responsible for his actions and if that means changing the locks while he’s out for the day and leaving his stuff outside, then that is what you have to do, for your own safety. This is on him, not you.

I strongly suggest you contact Womens Aid for support.

PickAChew · 19/06/2024 22:57

He wants you to be a nice little housewife while he does big man things. Fuck that shit.

PickAChew · 19/06/2024 23:01

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

A violent bully not being able to find anything else affordable to rent isn't your problem. If he was a decent man, he wouldn't need to find somewhere else, would he?

The punching and kicking of things shouldn't happen EVER. One day he will punch or kick YOU.

ttcat37 · 20/06/2024 00:42

You need to chuck him out. This is not normal behaviour by a long margin. It’s not acceptable. He is manipulative, cruel and uses the outbursts to frighten you into silence. He expects you to do what he considers to be beneath him. He doesn’t care when you’re upset and mocks you for it. He’s not interested in addressing his own behaviour and wants you to shut up and do what he says.
Honestly, he sounds like a right prick. I think if your friends knew what he’s like they’d be saying the same. Get some mates there or family and tell him to pack. Or use the weekends when he’s working to pack his stuff and change the locks, send him a Dear John text. Don’t feel bad about him having nowhere to go- you’re not his mother and that’s his problem, he should have been nicer.

Sossijiz · 20/06/2024 00:57

You are not safe with this man. He needs to go. Where he goes is not your problem.

Caiti19 · 20/06/2024 01:03

Get. Away. ASAP.

Frozensun · 20/06/2024 01:04

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

I grew up in a household like this. The long term effects on me and my siblings is immense. There was continual walking on eggshells and the constant fear was that something would set him off (even if it was something at work or socially). I blamed my mother for not getting out and taking us for a very long time. While I now know it’s not that easy, I just wish that I’d had a childhood where I felt safe. I know you’re in a difficult position, but just think of what you deserve and how you deserve to be treated.

Takenoprisoner · 20/06/2024 01:06

I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans)

You absolute queen, you. More power to you.

He is stonewalling you and shutting you down and not discussing issues. I suspect because he hasn't got a good reason to be annoyed with you, but by refusing to have an adult discussion, he keeps you on the backfoot and guessing. He is too immature to be in a relationship
and is being abusive here. Get rid.

MetaDaughter · 20/06/2024 01:16

I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary

Well he won’t need to hit you, will he, when he can just kill you both in a moving car?

I suspect you’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel peaceful and safe and happy.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/06/2024 01:17

Yeah… I’m not seeing what you are getting out of this relationship. If you’re happy where it is now or think you’ll be ok if it gets worse then stay in it.

It won’t get better if that is what you are hoping for.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/06/2024 01:31

and this is what he is like before marriage
this is what he like before children
this is what he is like before you buy somewhere together

well thank goodness he has shown his true colours !

so you can pack up for him during the weekend when he is at work
and leave the stuff outside
and change the locks on YOUR home

it is his problem where he lives - maybe he would like to stay with one of his many friends that he goes out with on his days off

and if needed arrange to have a man present in YOUR home when you tell him he s moving out / the relationship is over - father / brother / uncle / cousin / male friend / best friend's husband etc there must be some one !

do NOT make excuses for his violence, it is anger not frustration and even if it was frustration frustration can break bones you know...

so no need to feel guilty that his behaviour and his actions have caused him to no longer live in your home.

Pickled21 · 20/06/2024 05:15

Noone can change your life but you. You wouldn't want to live with somone who sleeps in a separate room often and punches walls. I've never been in a relationship like that and frankly wouldnt accept it. You haven't got a good deal here, yes in relationships compromises have to be made but not like this. What are his positive traits?

I'd speak to family and friends so someone is present whilst you dump him. I'd change the locks. His living situation is not your problem. I'd then look for counselling because you need help seeing relationship red flags and also need to take a deeper look as to why your standards are so low you would put up with this shitty behaviour rather than be single. Take the time to work on yourself because you don't want to go from one loser to another.

Shoxfordian · 20/06/2024 06:07

He's intimidating you in your own home, where you should feel safe - his behaviour scaring you when he drives is another red flag

Call women's aid, get some advice but get him out

Newestname002 · 20/06/2024 06:09

@TheShyRoseZebra

When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. It's just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

How would you leave the situation if you were in the car with him driving scarily fast?

He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary.

This is an aggressive, controlling man who doesn't like the fact you're independent- and he's living in your house, potentially would refuse to leave if you asked him to... what future do you think you have with him?

He's doing things to press your buttons (leaving his stuff all over the place on purpose, to tick you off, doing no chores to help in the place he lives in and you're afraid of him enough to lock yourself in a room away from his violence.

In your shoes I'd pack his stuff and get the locks changed during the weekend he's working. He's an adult - it's his responsibility to work out where he'll live, temporarily initially then more permanently. Don't waste your life like this, OP. 🌹

PBandJ111 · 20/06/2024 06:23

Kick him out

PragmaticWench · 20/06/2024 06:35

shut up talking to him in that little victim voice

This is really aggressive and designed to tell you that you're the problem and he'll be justified in being angry with you.

Do you think you could move his things out whilst he's away on his road trip? Get some relatives/friends to help you?

crumblingschools · 20/06/2024 06:36

What are his good points?