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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Supersoakers · 20/06/2024 06:46

Those angry door punches might only take a moment but they’re already having a lifetime effect on you, you’re confused, hurt and trying to make sense of it. This will happen repeatedly. Plus the mayo and the toilet things- seemingly minor so you think you’re overlooking them and staying strong but they’re all getting to you.
Take back control of your life, stop being nice to this guy, he’s not who you first thought he was. He’ll say and says all sorts of things to dominate you, it doesn’t mean they’re true. It doesn’t have to be like this.

GinForBreakfast · 20/06/2024 06:50

He sounds horrible. Ask him to leave. Do you have a friend or relative who can back you up?

chattyness · 20/06/2024 06:51

OP the fact that you say his punching/kicking things is not that regular, shows that actually it is , more than once is too much, also you're afraid to be in the car with him when he's angry because of the way he'll drive. It will get worse, it always does, punching and kicking doors is him showing you he's angry and that you need to be scared because the door could have been you , it's a not so subtle way of intimidating you.Shutting you down and not wanting to talk things through and resolve them is another red flag. Tell him to leave and quickly, don't be giving him a month to find somewhere so he can stretch it and wear you down, don't ask him be firm and tell him, finding a place to live is his problem. You need to feel loved and safe in your own home not afraid of the person who is supposed to love you..

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 20/06/2024 07:11

It’s your home @TheShyRoseZebra !

Tell the abusive fucker to get out. Now. And call the police if he doesn’t.

You have the power here.

unsync · 20/06/2024 07:12

He needs to leave if it is your property. There are a lot of warning signs in his behaviour. Heed them. Stop making excuses for him. His behaviour is not your responsibility, what you do about it is.

There are a lot of resources available to help you understand what is happening to you and why he is doing this. Please make use of them. I was greatly helped by Women's Aid. Be safe.

Chickenuggetsticks · 20/06/2024 07:13

TusconTrain · 19/06/2024 21:25

Get out now, immediately. Get up and leave. You can go back for anything you leave behind. His abuse will continue to escalate.

I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

You don't know that, at all. The punching other things is designed to control you, to show you what he could do to you. Can you go to a friend's or family member's house? You need to leave. As soon as safely possible.

Yeah I didn’t think so either until I got strangled.

Plantheads5 · 20/06/2024 07:23

Are you out of your mind wo.an.
You have an abusive prick in YOUR home.
He punched that door to show you that you could be next.
Get him out now.
Do not marry nor have children with this vile prick.
Involve the police to get him out.
It is your house.
You are a very very naive woman for not taking this very seriously.

You are in an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

Plantheads5 · 20/06/2024 07:26

Call any friend or family.
Gather his shit together.

His housing needs are none of your business or concern.

You will end up as a battered woman if you do not wake up and get this vile pig out of YOUR home.

rainbowsparkle28 · 20/06/2024 07:28

You are not in the wrong and his behaviour is abusive. You deserve better. Leave and end it

Bumblebeeinatree · 20/06/2024 07:32

I think you need to be discussing that it's not working out and neither of you are happy rather than the particular row. You need to say that you have to work it out or separate and suggest he looks for somewhere else to live as you can't live like that any more. He's not getting how unhappy he's making you, or he does and he doesn't care.

OrlandointheWilderness · 20/06/2024 07:32

Wow he's a prince isn't he. If this was your friend what would you be telling her?! If this was a strangers post on MN, what would you think?!
C'mon OP. You can do better than this arsehole.

greencartbluecart · 20/06/2024 07:34

You may need help and support to get him out but you must - if you have no family an friends and don't want to involve the police ask here and people will give you useful pointers

If he wasn't rude aggressive and violent he wouldn't have a housing problem - that's on him not you

I am so sorry you are going through this

Toptotoe · 20/06/2024 07:37

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

Please stop and read this back to yourself. You can’t stay in an abusive relationship because there is nothing available for him to rent . . . You need to tell him you want him to leave. Give him a deadline then change the locks if he has not gone. Maybe get a solicitor involved.
Aldo, please read ‘women who love too much’. It’s a great book and will help you see why you tolerate this kind of treatment from someone who is supposed to be a partner to you.
I wish you well - it’s not easy escaping an abusive relationship but once you do it feels very liberating.

willWillSmithsmith · 20/06/2024 07:54

You sound like a fabulous person. You are far too able and independent for this needy sap. I had a bf like this once, stuck it for six years then left. Never once regretted it.

CountingCors · 20/06/2024 07:58

It's a bit more than a 'pickle'.

It's not your problem that renting is difficult.

The fact that you don't think he would leave, tells you everything you need to know.

At best you are totally unsuited, and at worst he is abusive. Just end it.

Conniebygaslight · 20/06/2024 08:07

Stop looking for excuses for his behaviour OP. He will hit you and he's giving you every indication that he will. You're looking for reassurance from MN to be able to brush this under the carpet but you wont get it. He sounds horrible and treats you badly. He needs to leave before you're too ground down to stand up for yourself. this will happen.
Contact Women's aid if you're in the UK for anonymous help and support.

PeonySeasons · 20/06/2024 08:09

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

THROW HIM OUT

The next stage is hitting you.

He's doing the punching to intimidate you and threaten you.

He's trying very hard to control you with fear. In your own home.

THROW HIM OUT.

Lurkingandlearning · 20/06/2024 08:12

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

I say this with kindness… deluded would be harsh but you really don’t seem to clearly see how bad the relationship is.

You say he wouldn’t leave your apartment if you told him to, so you know he has no respect for you and feels entitled to live under your roof whether you want him to or not because it suits him.

Punching and kicking things are done to intimidate and show you what damage he is capable of. It also shows no respect for you and your property. If you honestly believe he does that in temper then you know he has no self control so you can’t know that he will never hit you. Do you think all the women who have been hit thought they would be? They too honestly thought they never would be until they were.

please read all the posts again with an open mind. Read your posts as though they’d been written by someone who you care about- a relative or friend. Would you be glad they were being treated the way he is treating you

Angelsrose · 20/06/2024 08:15

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

Op you have to have more regard for your own safety. Your bf needs to leave your home.

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:16

Thanks for the responses and your kind concern. I honestly feel very, very shocked. I never discuss these stupid arguments with friends because they are always over the most ridiculous things and get wildly overblown and quite frankly it’s embarrassing. To have myself perceived as a victim of domestic abuse is absolutely shocking to me. It’s a strange one. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees.

To have him call me dramatic and crazy when we argue and to minimize my feelings makes me second guess myself.

But I don’t see myself as a victim at all. I am the instigator of most arguments. I give as good as I get and I never back down from the argument (until things are punched) and i’m not afraid to speak my mind and in general.

And there are shades of grey. No one is all bad and if that were the case it would be so easy to just say get out of my life.

He is not a bad person. He is not violent. He would never cheat. And honestly he does love me, in truth much more than I love him, which has always made me feel guilty. He deserves better than me.

I just find it so difficult to relate to his way of thinking and his way of communicating, and for him its the same. He doesn’t understand my logic. Its just a toxic situation thats difficult for me to resolve. I don’t want to hurt him. And I want him to be alright and happy.

OP posts:
VJBR · 20/06/2024 08:18

Please tell this man to leave. If he won’t go then engage the help of a friend or relative. Or even the police. He is using you for somewhere to live and doesn’t sound like he cares for you at all. You sound a lovely person and you are worth more than this. Find the strength to finish it and find someone who respects you.

crumblingschools · 20/06/2024 08:18

He is violent if he punches and kicks things even if currently they are only inanimate objects

Superstoria · 20/06/2024 08:18

This is literally the time in your life you CAN easily ask him to leave. And you must. This man is abusive. Think five years down the line, do you want children witnessing this behaviour? Thinking this is how relationships work?

Begin to make a plan for how/when to leave. Then book a locksmith for one of the days you’re off and he’s at work. Pack his stuff up and text him when you’re done. Get family round to support you if you feel unsafe.

What he does next is his responsibility, but if there is genuinely nowhere he could stay / no-one he could stay with and it would make you feel less guilty and therefore more able to do it, book him two nights in your local Travelodge while he sorts himself out.

You deserve so much better than this. This is not a good relationship.

greencartbluecart · 20/06/2024 08:19

He is violent

Are you SURE the arguments are as much your fault as his? You are not to blame for having an opinion - a decent man is a partner not a ruler

greencartbluecart · 20/06/2024 08:20

It is hard to really see what's happening when you are caught up in it though that I do get