Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

[TheShyRoseZebra]

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

Anyway he will never be happy with you - you are just too different

Well in truth I don’t think he would take me seriously if I asked him to leave. Because during almost every argument I try to break up and during a few arguments I have shouted at him to ‘just leave’. I am the girl who cried wolf.

This is not a healthy relationship. Whether you see yourself as a victim or not is immaterial. That you don't confide in friends is very telling. What advice would you give a friend or a sister?

I'm amazed that you think he loves you more than you love him. Love is not a standalone, superior power. It's demonstrated in 1000 different ways. Telling you to scrub the toilet while he swans off on day trips and punching walls is not love.

@TheShyRoseZebra he IS VIOLENT.

He is showing you that every time he punches something.

He also shows you he loves you because that's a form of controlling your every step. If he makes you feel guilty, that's on him not you. This is part of the script of an abuser.

You are both bad for each other.
Just do not have a child together - it would have a terrible childhood.

What the hell have I just read? Why are you with this abusive man? What are your options now? Is this a shared house?

Don’t tell him to leave when you are shouting and mid argument.

Sit down and have a discussion, tell him it’s not working out and that you’d like him to have moved out by x date.

Do you think he feels sad and guilty at his abusive treatment of you? Of course he doesn’t. Fgs find someone who treats you with respect, this man is vile and if your bar is thinking he won’t actually hurt you, that’s a very low bar. Pack him up and out.

@TheShyRoseZebra I would advise you have someone with you that you trust. Pack up his things. When he comes home calmly tell him the relationship isn't working and he has to leave immediately. No shouting. Make sure you get his key back but change the lock to be safe. It took years for me to get my ex husband to leave. I was worried about where he'd go. What he might do to himself. Not what he was doing to me. Until we had children and I realised the environment they were being brought up in. He went back to his parents and is still alive and well. I can't tell you the huge sense of relief once he had gone.

We have this trope of the female victim of male abuse - weak, terrified, trapped woman and evil, nasty sadistic brute. But for many women it’s a situation where they feel like the strong partner, holding things together with a man who is a bit weak and needy. That’s why they don’t see the abuse creeping, creeping up until their sense of self is so eroded they can’t think straight.

You sound independent, capable and strong. And you’ve described his weaknesses (his temper gets the better of him), and neediness (how will he find another place to rent?)

Why do you not think you’re worth so much better than a man who delegates scrubbing the loo to you? (It’s awful how those dangling pennies get in the way of housework, poor things)

He's abusive, leave him

He is violent. Say to him very calmly before he leaves for work. I need to speak to you this evening about something important.

Then in the evening tell him calmly that the relationship is over. Give him a week to leave with a clear deadline.
I need you to be out of the property by the end of the day on Friday. If he says he has nowhere to go you reply. I’m sorry this is not my problem to solve. A week is fair notice.

He can sofa surf, get a BnB , camp…. Whatever

Pack his stuff and leave it outside. Get the locks changed. You then won't have to lock yourself in the bedroom to feel safe.

Yabu to still be calling this waste-of-space a "boyfriend"

He doesn't even like you. He is with you as you are convenient. You are worth more than this. Get rid.

Why are you wasting your one short, precious life like this?

I’m sorry you went through that. My childhood was similar. I was very afraid of my father and his angry outbursts and never knowing what would prompt them. He was very belittling and scary, but never violent. I spent my childhood walking on eggshells. My mother is a not an argumentative person and non confrontational. Sometimes I think she didn’t realise how scared I was, because it was just words. And I suppose he was disciplining me.

Even now when I go home for a visit I can gague his mood instantly and know if I should avoid him.

So I know what it is to live in fear. This is not the same for me. I don’t feel afraid living with him.

Sometimes I think that I very much do not want to be passive like my mother, therefore I instigate every argument and I won’t let little things drop.

My boyfriends childhood situation was that he had one horrible stepdad for a while, who used to hit his mother. Thankfully she has a lovely partner now.

Thats why when I have said to him before that when he hits things, it scares me because one day i will be next. And he reacts shocked and says he would never, ever, ever hurt me. He reminds me how he lived with that in his life as a kid and he would never do that.

OP punching & kicking IS violent behaviour and calling you dramatic and crazy is him gaslighting you to make you think that you're always in the wrong & it seems to be working because you're already in denial. He's a controlling narcissist ,you deserve better & you don't have to ask him to leave, you tell him he's leaving.

What the actual f*ck??

I don’t know 😔

I am 42. I guess the realisation that this relationship was probably my last chance to have a baby is hard to deal with. Its hard to break up and be single and to accept that I missed my chance and its all been my own fault. Its easier to bury head in sand for a while. I know that this makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever.

Please make him leave. This will never improve, he will continue to paint you as the villain and always have you on eggshells.

That you stand up for yourself is irrelevant - you are still living in trepidation of his next outburst.

He claims that he loves you, but he doesn't really or you wouldn't have been able to write such a comprehensive post where pretty much every woman/person reading has felt compelled to tell you to end the relationship.

You aren't married, you don't mention children. Please end things now before you're entangled financially/biologically with someone who treats you with contempt every time you fail to toe the line.

He's showing you who he is and you need to believe him.

He needs to leave. Sounds like you both bicker, which sounds totally exhausting. Don't have a baby with him, he'll become even more controlling whilst eroding your confidence. Get him to leave whilst your sanity is intact.

Do you have a male relative or friend who could be at your apartment when you tell your boyfriend to leave? He's abusing you and taking advantage of you. Kick him out today!! Also, imagine him as a father, verbally abusing or threatening your child.

Its quite a pickle.

It is an awful lot more than that flower.

But what it isn’t is love.

But I don’t see myself as a victim at all. I am the instigator of most arguments. I give as good as I get and I never back down from the argument (until things are punched) and i’m not afraid to speak my mind and in general.

Do you do start most of the arguments? Review what you have written here, the current argument is about mayonnaise. First he said you hadn't bought any more and it 'wasn't fair'. Then he said you are a very independent person and never want to do things together. Then you should have texted him to ask if he wanted anything. Then he said you never think about him and don't give a fuck about him. Then he storms off to sleep in a separate room. No communication for two days, refuses to discuss the argument, belittles the way you feel, punches a door and you lock yourself in your room because he frightens you. And you won't get in a car with him because his driving scares you when he's angry, it's meant to.

How did you start that? His behaviour was over the top from the beginning. He's an adult but he thinks managing food supplies is your job and a failure to prioritise his needs every second of the day puts you in the wrong.

You also said he does nothing to help with domestic chores and you think he intentionally leaves his stuff everywhere to piss you off. If you mention this does he blame you for that argument too?

You say you are bewildered and confused and he makes you second guess yourself. I've been there and done that and at the time I felt the way you did but after the relationship ended I realised he invested a lot of energy in manipulating situations to cause arguments he could blame me for. In your example if he'd mentioned the mayonnaise I would have said ok just write it on the shopping list on the wipe board and I'll pick some up next time I'm shopping. Over the course of several days he would have complained about not having other items and each time I would have given the same reply. He would never add the things to the shopping list so eventually I would snap and say for goodness sake just put it on the shopping list, then he would say why do you always have to start an argument!

I didn't spot the pattern at the time and I was very confused about how small issues ended in a big argument.