Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

[TheShyRoseZebra]

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

Run

Have some kids. His behaviour might look better in comparison.

Oh for god sake just leave him
‘LTB’
that’s my first one

Today we tried to discuss everything. I told him I am angry that he has not apologized for the original argument, for the follow up argument when I was trying to discuss it, for telling me to shut up when I was talking in that ‘small little victim voice’, for the wall punching, minimizing, stonewalling.

He was bewildered and flabbergasted. He said the original argument was so ridiculous and he didn’t feel the need to say sorry. He doesn’t ever say sorry, he said it means nothing to him, its just words. If I want him to say the words he will, but he doesn’t feel it.

As regards the punching of walls, he was also absolutely shocked that this could be considered abusive, threatening or scary. He said the absolute minimum is that he wants me to feel safe in my own house. He reiterated that he would never ever hurt me. He was shocked that I feel scared in these moments, as he doesn’t do it in the same room as me, he walks to another room, and its just letting off steam. He said for where he grew up it is normal.

I was reflecting on something someone said about repeating patterns from childhood situations and someone else who said pay attention…is it really me who starts things?So I have been paying more attention to my feelings and reactions the past few days.

Making dinner together last night, I was hyper aware of trying to keep the peace. Not reacting to his hostile snapping when he got stressed, the tone he uses when telling me to do something, stir something etc. I did recognize that I am walking on eggshells around him a bit. Stupid shit like when he cooks me food, I was for a microsecond hesitant to put salt/pepper on it, it case he snapped at me. I spilled a bit of wine and was worried he would have a go at me and there would be another row or negative atmosphere. And then realizing how ridiculously stupid that is. Incidentally he did not have a go at me about either thing. So my pattern is conflict avoidance to a certain extent, realizing how fucked up that is and then usually totally kicking off to defend myself. Then I inevitably get the blame for being the angry one, when all he has done is cooked me a lovely meal.

I explained this to him today and how I grew up in a house like that and I don’t want it again. He said that its a problem from my past, its is not reality, its baggage. He said that he can think that he is a donkey, but he will never be a donkey despite how much he thinks he is because its just not reality. He denys talking to me in a short/snappy way and says I am way too sensitive, its a problem of interpretation, and how I take things is wrong.

Its bewildering to me how two people can have the same conversation or lived experience and a completely different interpretation/perspective of what is happening.

He finally apologized by text this evening.

I’m glad you were able to have an honest conversation @TheShyRoseZebra and explained how his actions made you feel. You clearly both have a lot of ingrained behaviours learnt from childhood that contribute to conflict between you. Being aware of these behaviours means you can start working to change them but it’s not easy. Sounds like you could both really benefit from individual therapy to help you address these issues.

The not saying sorry thing is unusual, obviously you only want someone to apologise if they are genuine but to say it means nothing makes me think he’s experienced a lot of empty apologies in his life. It’s up to you whether you’re ok with never having acknowledgement from him if he is in the wrong.

Get him out. It won’t get any better. It’s cyclical and it’s making you miserable. Find someone you can communicate with and live a happy, unstressed life with them where you work together as a team.

Life is too short for crap relationships :)

OP. I have read your updates.

Tell him to leave.
Tell him to leave.
Tell him to leave.

Yes, definitely - tell him to leave. But be careful how you do it, because it might suddenly be more than walls that get punched. Abusive men are always at their most dangerous when women finally decide to leave them (and this man is abusive, for certain).

Wow, I could have written your posts!. The shouting, punching walls, scary driving (which btw, my DA counsellor tells me is a form of abuse itself).

I used to tell myself it was like a bank account and so long as my exH paid in more in terms of the good times than he withdrew when he lost his temper then we were ok. I also 'knew' he would never hurt me. When he was calm we would have very open conversations and discuss his behaviours and the impact and he was always willing to work on things. He would never have wanted me to be afraid and there is no question that he loved me/us, perhaps even obsessively.

I spent 25 long years with him and yes things changed but they never got better. He never got a handle on his temper. He did end up physically hurting me - not hitting me but hurting me nevertheless. I still couldn't see what was in front of me. It was just my normal. The line finally got drawn when he physically assaulted our then 13 yo son. That was in 2019 and I am still trying to accept and deal with the reality that I was in a DA relationship. I hate myself everyday for allowing my DC to grow up in that situation. My exH had so many good points and there really were good times but I, and my children were hypervigilant, always waiting for the signs that the next explosion was on its way. And now we're all trying to deal with the psychological and emotional scars. It's no way to live a life and the long term effects should not be underestimated.

I'm really glad you posted here because people have been able to tell you about DA. If you're still in any doubt (and I was, even after the assault), what I did was to write an email to Woman's Aid. I listed all my ExH's behaviours that people had suggested were abusive and I explained why I believed each one was not abusive. They wrote back in agreement with the others and I finally began to open my eyes. I really hope you can find the strength and self compassion to see that you deserve better. Good luck. Xx

The “its just baggage “ thing and the donkey metaphor are absurd denials of your experience. And its pretty rich coming from a man who punches walls as normal because if his childhood experiences. You told him something important about your life and he dismissed it as not real. Then you asked him to change his behavior and he told you it came from his childhood and couldn’t be changed.

Stop negotiating against yourself. He is a terrible person and he has no intention of changing.

You know how you sound to me, @TheShyRoseZebra?
You sound like somebody who’d jump at a cat walking by or a breeze blowing the curtains.
After your last post you sound not like a woman who’s afraid she’ll be beaten — but a woman who’s afraid she’ll be beaten again.
I imagine you as very thin and gaunt with dark circles under your eyes and wearing all black and going barefoot so you won’t make a sound. You sound resigned to your life as it is.
And one thing that stood out to me that I’ve experienced myself was being in a car with an angry man — it’s terrifying, isn’t it? Their sheer recklessness and speed and what always got me was that he cared so little for my life when he drove like that. He put so little value on my life. Well, he put no value on my life at all.
I wish you well. And I send you love. ❤️

You are now wilfully refusing to see what’s happening here. I’m worried. I’m worried at how you level blame at yourself, and how you try to make out you give as good as you get.

He uses fear to keep you in line.

The scary driving is a very very common feature I. Abusive controlling men

Get him to leave. It will only ever get worse..

This is one of those occasions where ‘he is showing you exactly who he is - believe him’.
He doesn’t sound very nice OP, you sound too good for him.
I’d make plans to leave if I were you. He probably won’t like it, so I’d get some support from friends/family/womens aid first; you need to leave safely.

Why can't you see whatvthe rest of us are seeing. Its your flat so tell him to go. Have a friend present when you do or family because you said you don't think he'll go. Pack his stuff and send him on his way. This is fast turning into a control situation you need to extract yourself out of now

Saying he's never hurt you, girl it's he's not hurt you yet, can't you see what's happening here. To him, you didn't preform to your duties as the women this week. Flu neglected him. So he's emotionally abused you. With silence. Look at you, questioning yourself now, are you the problem. He's then pinched a wall.... bravo. 👏🏼 you're scared, confused and trying to reason with yourself well, he'd never hurt me. When it's more of the case of he hasn't hurt you yet! So please please please, done waste your time, youth and energy on this person a moment longer. LEAVE HIM before the next thing he punches is you.

Haven’t RTWT so apologies if these points have already been made. The door/ wall hitting is abusive and made me wonder if that’s why you do so much DIY?

Additionally IMO his driving becoming scary is another red flag and form of abuse…

Despite what he says about not realising his behaviour is scary it does feel like he is trying to scare you…

He is a donkey! the fact he was flabbergasted speaks volumes. I also urge you to ask him to leave, and if you are in any doubt, see if you can spend a week or so (or even less) with someone who treats you well and respectfully. Realise that this is normal. I was in a similar situation as you and this is one thing that actually opened my eyes to his awful behaviour. He used to be really off with me if I dropped a drink or anything like that. It’s really not ok. It’s time for him to go. Please listen to what people are saying.

He is gaslighting you. Acting as if your concerns aren’t real. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells. Ask your self what percentage of the time are you happy with him and what percentage are you unhappy, stressed, on edge. Please get out while you can.

"Flabbergasted" my arse.
How dim does he obviously think you are?
He is clearly gaslighting you to believe his violence is imaginary and any problem you have with it is YOUR issue anyway.

Clearly it is convenient to live in your home.
If you choose to believe his bullshit "surprise" that his violent abuse of you is wrong, then that IS on you.
It is very clear you know you are nervous of him, walk on shells, just like you were growing up.

He has apologised by text to shut you up.
.
You are 100% an abused women living with a violent bully.
But if that is all you think you deserve, no one can help you.
I certainly hope you do not have children with this violent abuse.
That you were trying to do so and replicate your own abusive childhood is so sad.
Parents trying for children usually want the best childhood for a prospective child, certainly better than their own if it wasn't great, and strive to provide that.

Sorry OP, I'm repeating a lot of good advice but this is a real sliding doors moment in your life. Whilst it's daunting, you need to take in the depth (and sadly lived experience) of the advice you're being given. He's an absolute disgrace, even down to apologising by text.

Pan out and see the overall picture here:

You didn't buy enough mayo so he insulted you, mimicked you, decried your independence, and aggressively punched a door.

Really sorry you're stuck with someone like this, OP. So many people are stuck in bad relationships. I was for years. It seems to me that at least half the relationships that exist, shouldn't. Being single is so, so much better than putting up with this shit.

Whether any of those traits are regular or not they will become more regular overtime. You are not his minion. Relationships are about give and take. Do not let him keep taking. I would move on as quickly as i could. Take care OP 💐

OP, I'm sorry, but you're in denial. You're also very reluctant to see yourself as being in an abusive relationship, but you shouldn't be, because let's place the blame where it belongs - on the person doing the abusing. Also, the strongest women are conned into accepting a man's bullying. It happens very gradually and is punctuated by wonderful times.

God, so many men are just awful. My father was a violent, abusive bully and I married a one too. My experience was a slight improvement over the previous generation as he didn't hit me. He was just permanently angry with me, refused to speak to me frequently and for long periods of time, would hit things, constantly shouted and swore, and eventually left me because I gained weight. Also he became so very angry with me all the time for nothing, that I truly feared he would hit me.

But he was also insanely loving and generous in between being a horrendous bully, and he was romance itself before we married and moved in together.

They hide it well.

I wish for every woman to live in a relationship with no aggression. Too many women do not experience that.

You say there are shades of grey and you're attached to him and you want him to be all right, etc. I felt all those things, and I came to the conclusion that this is exactly why abusive relationships are the absolute worst kind of aggression. The abusive party sprinkles their shitty treatment of you with enough perfume that you're no longer sure when you're smelling perfume and when you're smelling shit. And they force you to make the heartbreaking decision of throwing out all the good things along with the bad if you dump them. Abusive relationships are truly cruel, most of all the way that they force you to experience great loss. You can get out, but at the cost of breaking your own heart and second-guessing yourself and lots of other nasty emotions.

I'm so glad that coercive control is now a crime in the UK.