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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 11:01

RB68 · 20/06/2024 10:58

He is manipulating you as he knows you are a people pleaser. Sponge onto the toilet - well clearly he knows what to do as he is telling you so instead of making it your job why isn't he doing it? With him on a rd trip - erratic scary driving - bullying and getting you to capitulate and smooth things over by doing as he wants. Food shopping, if there are things he wants he knows where the shops are or alternatively he has a gob (clearly) why doesn't he ask for it on the list next time shopping. Did he transfer Money for the food or you have a shared account for it???

Yeah think I would ditch too. Way too many red flags - can you imagine having kids with him - they would always be your kids and what you wanted so he could have a strop and storm off for his "hobbies"

To be fair, he does most of the shopping and most of the cooking. He never asks for money. He is very generous. I can be very lax in doing my share of the food shop.

OP posts:
RB68 · 20/06/2024 11:01

whatever this is it is certainly not "your own fault" this is the thinking that you need to stop. As to a last chance for a child - look at alternatives it can be done as a single Mum. Just don't tie yourself to a specific Man to do it

lovemycbf · 20/06/2024 11:06

You seriously need to move out away from him he sounds abusive on every level,the silent treatment being just one of many concerns.
You can contact womens aid for help to get away from him.
I mean this kindly he behaviour doesn't show that he loves you and if you stay it will slowly escalate especially if you have children
You need to leave for your own safety

Chocolateorange22 · 20/06/2024 11:06

You really don't sound compatible, not sure why you are actually still together really?

In regards to the food shops in our house. DH knows when the deliveries turn up. If he needs something he asks me to add it into the app. If he's desperate for it or past the cut off to amend then he goes and buys it himself. I don't think we've actually ever argued about it in fairness. Certainly neither of us would punch a door over it.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 20/06/2024 11:07

Jesus OP, stop making excuses for this shit man. He’s so below par it’s unreal.

lovemycbf · 20/06/2024 11:07

I've just read it's your apartment
Get him to leave and call the police if he refuses

Fleetheart · 20/06/2024 11:14

Work out how he would react if you acted as he does? Would you in all seriousness ever be so rude and nasty? And then ask yourself why you should take this from him? No excuses -and if you lived in his flat would you be so foolish as to be so rude and nasty to the owner of where you lived? Of course not! So why do you let him? He needs to go - and not said in the heat of an argument- said in a calm serious conversation about why it’s not working. Good Luck

Reallytwoappointmentsinoneday · 20/06/2024 11:22

Jeez. Who voted YABU!

it’s your apartment. Ring a locksmith. Pack his bags and send him on his way.

he brings no joy to your life. Don’t bother with getting your ducks in a row just chuck him out.

oatmilk4breakfast · 20/06/2024 11:24

You're not in the wrong. Whatever you think, he could hit you one day. This sounds like early days. I would run.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 20/06/2024 11:26

This is classic domestic abuse. Please make him leave. It's the only way you can protect yourself.

taylorswift1989 · 20/06/2024 11:30

He is not a bad person. He is not violent. He would never cheat. And honestly he does love me, in truth much more than I love him, which has always made me feel guilty. He deserves better than me.

He is a violent person. He kicks and punches doors to intimidate you. He gives you the silent treatment. He tries to control you. You're scared of him.

The fact that you think this is love is worrying. He doesn't love you.

Kick him out, get some counselling for yourself. You can't go on living this way.

MissingMoominMamma · 20/06/2024 11:33

Poor bloke had no mayo? Diddums.

Honestly, does he bring much that is positive to your life?

Bollindger · 20/06/2024 11:35

I feel so sorry for you, that your willing to settle for so little, yet think he is a good man.
We only know what you said but 100% of us know he is a bad, nasty controlling man.
Scared when he drives.
Is violent, yes it is a walk, but that is still violent.
He is out a lot, because he doesn't love you.
Orders you around, like a slave not a lover.
Doesn't sleep in your bed, not a lover.
You deserve better.

Shan5474 · 20/06/2024 11:38

I think you need to forget about the food shopping issue. This isn’t an emotionally safe relationship, which is what you deserve. He may very well love you, but he is emotionally abusive and can’t keep his temper under control.

With kindness, there’s a good chance that this relationship feels familiar to you because it’s similar to your parents, and when you were young your subconscious mind learnt that this must be what love looks and feels like.

This man is absolutely not your last chance for happiness, you have options in terms of having the baby/family you crave, and if you stay in this relationship you will simply be repeating the past

MarkWithaC · 20/06/2024 11:40

He is violent. So far he's 'only' punched doors, not you. So far.
He's abusive. Get him to leave. I don't know the legalities of who owns/pays for your house, but can you lawfully change the locks while he's away and refuse him access?

pikkumyy77 · 20/06/2024 11:45

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

Holy shit this is bad.

Flopsythebunny · 20/06/2024 11:48

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

Open your eyes woman. he's abusive, it will get worse, you'll get so used to it that you'll think it's normal, then you'll be trapped.
Pack all his stuff up whilst he's out and text him a time to pick it up from outside. If he starts shouting and punching doors, call 999

Flopsythebunny · 20/06/2024 11:50

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 11:01

To be fair, he does most of the shopping and most of the cooking. He never asks for money. He is very generous. I can be very lax in doing my share of the food shop.

Stop blaming yourself for his abusive behaviour

Thelnebriati · 20/06/2024 11:50

OP isn't ready to hear it yet, she needs more time to process what's happening and she can't see the red flags in her post. She's at that point where she is scared of having disclosed and is pulling back.

OP, don't commit to anything with him at this point. You need to buy yourself some time and space. Have a look at this link;
The Freedom Programme
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Sossijiz · 20/06/2024 11:54

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:21

Well in truth I don’t think he would take me seriously if I asked him to leave. Because during almost every argument I try to break up and during a few arguments I have shouted at him to ‘just leave’. I am the girl who cried wolf.

You don't have to ask him, just wait until he goes out for the day, get the locks changed and notify him by text message that he doesn't live with you any more. Enlist a friend to put his belongings in a van and deliver them to his mum/his best mate's house/a storage unit (tell him you have paid for a fortnight's storage and it will be the last thing you ever do for him). The key is to present him with a fait accompli rather than be drawn into a discussion, because yes, this is a decision you can make without his agreement.

Flopsythebunny · 20/06/2024 11:54

Thelnebriati · 20/06/2024 11:50

OP isn't ready to hear it yet, she needs more time to process what's happening and she can't see the red flags in her post. She's at that point where she is scared of having disclosed and is pulling back.

OP, don't commit to anything with him at this point. You need to buy yourself some time and space. Have a look at this link;
The Freedom Programme
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I agree. It's just so frustrating knowing that we can see what kind of future she'll have with him.

Elphamouche · 20/06/2024 11:56

You don’t ask him to leave.

you pack his stuff when he’s at work (then he can’t say you don’t do anything for him!!) and you tell him to get the FUCK away from you. Leave his stuff outside.

pikkumyy77 · 20/06/2024 11:57

Ok went back snd read the whole thread.

OP: you need to do the freedom program. You need therapy. You need support to get him to leave.

You only aren’t frightened of his violence because your childhood forced you to become dead to fear in order to survive. You are a conniseur of msle violence and spite. This man is do familiar to you that you can think you can predict and manage him. And the few places he deviates from good ol’ dad you cherish him for. He’s generous with the food shopping? Oh my stars snd garters what a catch!

Here are some book recommendations:

Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

The Body Keeps The Score

The ACOA Trauma handbook (sorry can’t recall the right title)

you must find the strength to kick this man out. Paint snd decorate your flat and your soul at the same time. Take care of yourself lovingly.

Cantbesure · 20/06/2024 11:59

I felt the same. I was a strong, argumentative woman. I was the bread winner. I didn't see myself as a victim or as being abused. I thought he loved me more than needed me etc. getting him to leave was the best decision I've made in my life. But the post you have shared shows a different story. A man who shouts at you for not buying mayo! Tells you to clean the loo (a normal response would be to clean a dirty loo, not tell someone else to do it), punching walls to intimidate you. I'm sure there are lots more you haven't shared.

Bearwithgreenhair · 20/06/2024 12:05

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