Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

[TheShyRoseZebra]

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

Do not inflict a nasty violent man on an innocent child.
You have a choice in this.
It is the height of selfish to deliberately, knowingly, have a child with an abusive man when you have a choice not to.
Don't do it.

There’s a lot of us damaged people about. One of my siblings who was probably most impacted, perpetuated the behaviour in their own relationship. It’s bloody hard to break the cycle.

The punching walls is to scare you. He should have sufficient self-control not to do that, so he is choosing to do it.

And all these arguments that you say you are responsible for are surely a sign of a relationship that is not working out?

For God's sake do not have a baby with this man. Don't perpetuate this for another generation.

@TheShyRoseZebra

“He is not a bad person. He is not violent. He would never cheat. And honestly he does love me”

I never thought my exh would be violent until he started punching the wall ( broke his hand once) then he started pushing me , then slapping then punching until I ended up in hospital with a broken arm and concussion.
I never thought he would cheat until he did.
I was sure he loved me . He didn’t .

It doesn't surprise me at all that this is your house.

The problem is that when you tell him to go then you need him to go immediately. There's no point telling a man like this that he has to leave in a month's time. You have to tell him to go. He is abusing you and your home.

Do you have anyone you can ask to come and stay for a few days?

OP, I was in this exact relationship a few years ago, I could have written your post, the stupid arguments, the fact that you tend to start them, the fact that you give as good as you get - that's all me, and I'm the strongest woman I know.

The minimising, the calling you dramatic and crazy, the blaming you - this will all increase and you will get to the point where you are second guessing yourself and you will wonder if he's right after all. Then you'll start apologising for things that aren't your fault, and it'll get subtly worse until someone points out to you, as we are ALL pointing out to you now, that you need to get out. Mine was a controlling, gaslighting narcissist and I adored him. It took me a while to get out and a long time to get over him, but it was the best thing I did.

If you don't even really love him, you are wasting your time and your life, when you could find someone that you really DO love and who will make your life better instead of punching walls and telling you to clean your own fucking toilet!!!

I will not. I know this.

Do you have a friend or family member who can help to reinforce to him that you want him gone this weekend?

Alternatively, call the police. Have proof that the flat is your home not his and get him out.

The lazy violent cunt telling you what housework to do in your time off and doing fun stuff during his time off would give me the rage.

Jesus, I thought you were 19 or something.
I feel for you but please don’t bring a baby into a household where their father is punching doors, ignoring their mother when she cries and manipulating her. You are better off leaving him and getting a sperm donor who won’t ruin your child’s life.

Thank god.

Far, Far better to have a baby by donor than with an abusive man that you will be at the mercy of for 18 years.
MN is full of such stories and huge regret for ignoring red flags.
Get this arsehole out of your home.

You could be a wonderful mother on your own. Having a baby via sperm donor.

You would be a poor mother with him. Allowing the cycle of generational abuse to continue.

I feel like you have traded your abusive father for an abusive boyfriend. You don't have to live your life at the whim of abusive men moods and angry outbursts over ridiculous things. There is a much more peaceful existence out there.

Please consider going to therapy. There is a lot for you to unravel here.

Nailed it.

Leave, it won't ever get any better. He'll just keep making you wrong about everything and blaming you for his shitty behaviour and childish tantrums and for not allowing the world to revolve around HIM.

@TheShyRoseZebra I've been married to someone who has some of these tendencies for 28 years. I'm now 62 but for the last 20 years I would say I walk on egg shells- at your stage I would say end it before things get complicated with houses, kids, businesses etc - it's not a nice way to live- I'm not saying he's an arse all of the time and probably has lots of good qualities too- but the 20% of time when he is an arse will gradually wear you down and you lose 'you' - with regards to him renting- ok there might not be much where you are, so he will have to look in a wider area- long term it's his issue-don't let his issue become your issue. I think guys like this become more controlling, not less - as someone else said I think the problem is that he likes independence himself but doesn't like it in you- just caring about someone and not wanting to hurt them isn't enough long term- compatability in living habits and not feeling on edge isa huge thing

I know he would never hit me

Mumsnet is FULL of women that have said this and then ended up being physically hurt. There was a point where you genuinely thought he would never punch a door in anger as well. What he is doing is pushing/eradicating your boundaries to attain control of you. He doesn't want you to question him, stand up to him or not do what he says. Sure he's shouting you down and using his temper to make you act differently. To act more suited to his needs/wants/demands.

This man is a controlling abusive mouth breathing bully. He openly resents you and shows this by how he treats you. The blatant lack of respect. His use of intimidating behaviour. If you can't see that then nothing anybody else says on here will save you. Please, get rid of him and save yourself a future of heart ache and fear.

OP, if you won't ask him to leave right now, just keep in mind all of the advice people have given you on the thread from now on.
But abuse doesn't get better. You've told him it scares you when he punches furniture, and he still does it. So now it's deliberate: he's doing it on purpose. That's not love.
It's a difficult thing to realise the relationship you thought was loving is actually abusive, but you need to put yourself first.

You can still have a relationship after this, or a baby. Chances are you'd be doing all the work yourself while you're in this relationship, why not do it on your own terms?
Better to do it now than 5 years down the line: if he's on the birth certificate you will never be rid of him no matter how bad it gets.

Your life isnt over, I totally understand where you are coming from, as was in the same position many years ago

I am now with a wonderful man who doesn’t scream, swear and shout at me, punch walls/doors throw things or hit me

I had my baby at 42, she was a complete surprise and I’m glad I didn’t settle for the waste of space that I was with

Having a baby is hard and even harder when you are with someone who has temper tantrums, as you both need to pull together and what will he do when the house is a mess or baby won’t settle, will he still punch things?

I wish I could go back and give my younger self a good talking to, I even went through ivf with him and thankfully it didn’t work

Don’t waste your precious life with him, the relief you feel when you walk away is just something else, no more dramas and you live life on your terms xx

And this isn’t your fault, you are not responsible for the way he behaves

You don't think he would go even if you asked him to? Get rid of him immediately! The police can get him to move if he won't. You need to read your own words. He doesn't respect you, you don't even believe you can get him out of your house yet you are justifying staying with him. Crazy. You have been warned by so many people, I would listen if I was you.

Great idea, bring an innocent little child into the situation. Not at all selfish.

I would have said exactly the same op, but I was wrong. Ask him to leave and if he doesn't then call the police.

As I said above, I am not.

He is manipulating you as he knows you are a people pleaser. Sponge onto the toilet - well clearly he knows what to do as he is telling you so instead of making it your job why isn't he doing it? With him on a rd trip - erratic scary driving - bullying and getting you to capitulate and smooth things over by doing as he wants. Food shopping, if there are things he wants he knows where the shops are or alternatively he has a gob (clearly) why doesn't he ask for it on the list next time shopping. Did he transfer Money for the food or you have a shared account for it???

Yeah think I would ditch too. Way too many red flags - can you imagine having kids with him - they would always be your kids and what you wanted so he could have a strop and storm off for his "hobbies"

Hi OP. You said in your post that you were scared of him and locked yourself in your room - in your own home. I'm going to guess that he was walking around like charlie big bollocks in your home while you were scared and crying. This is not going to get better - it will get worse. If you stay with him you will eventually give in to him and do what he says, not argue with him because it's easier and you will become a shadow of yourself, changing yourself so that you don't rock the boat. Once he feels that you are "toeing the line" he will up his actions, he may progress to hitting you - he has already shown you that he can be violent by punching doors etc. One day it will not be a door he punches.

These men do not start a relationship with women showing their true self straight away, otherwise nobody would stay with them. They up their actions slowly and over time become more controlling, more violent.

Please OP don't be me, as I was. Get him out of your home and life. I'm now married to a wonderful man who wouldn't even raise his voice to me let alone his fists. Be me as I am now.

End it, OP.