To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

who broached the subject of the annex? MIL or your husband?

It all seems very coincidental, have you seen the section 21 papers?

For the love of God, do not do this. I've seen this play out a few times with friends (both an annexe and a spare room situation). It has been an utter nightmare. Both times boundaries were supposedly put in place- the older person agreed to give them some space as a couple. Didnt happen. Every day/night the relative would come downstairs or to the house wanting to chat and watch tv with them, would say they were lonely, didnt want to be on their own, wanted to be included in everything etc They basically ended up having zero privacy as a couple, literally everything they did, they had to do with the relative in tow- even going shopping. Then, when the relative became frail it was just expected that the woman would help with care needs - on top of childcare, working, household stuff etc.

One of those couples is now divorced and the other is still together but living separate lives. Dont underestimate the toll resentment will take on a relationship.

Same. You'd be an idiot to buy a property with an annexe in this situation.

Pull out of the house sale now, what was the reasoning for buying a house with an annex?

If you are renting it:
Income needs to be declared through a tax return.
Need to be registered for council tax as it sounds like an operate dwelling. If it doesn't already have a separate reg you might be in for shock when you move in anyway as some councils wait until a change of ownership to raise council tax. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/property/5071380-council-tax-for-annexe
Need gas, elect certs, epc etc. The fact that it is family makes no difference.
Need to declare it to the mortgage people as well

Of course not. This sort of thing can't happen by stealth just because her rental issue times with your house purchase. She can find another rental. It'd be different it was all planned and you all got on and wanted to live together. But in this case, absolutely 1000% not. It's your home and not hers to move into. Your DH's views on your family are actually not relevant. You do not have to live with your MIL full stop. You don't need any reason or argument. If he wants to live with her, then he doesn't get to live with you. Not Your Problem.

You will also need a license ( in my borough). Gas safety certificate, electric safety certificate, carbon monoxide testing machine. Enegy efficiency rating. You will be a landlord and need to adhere to all the rules that involves. And realistically is he going to evict his mum if she doesn't pay. Oh and all her visitors will think they can just pop in to you after because after all your family.

It's a hard no from me and I really like my in-laws. However, I like my privacy and peace more. I also wouldn't want to spend all my time minding someone else. As she gets older and needs care who will end up lumbered with the work?

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house

This is completely irrelevant - he isnt going to make his mother homeless is he so if she stops paying nothing will happen- you're stuck with her. The separate front door also makes no difference- she will be at your door constantly.

As a PP has mentioned, if she does pay you will then have to pay tax on it, you will be subject to tenancy laws and obligations and council tax etc

I also suspect that this timing is very odd and that this is something they have cooked up together behind your back.

I suspect the annexe means that even if this doesn't happen now, it's in the ether and will inevitably come to pass unless you're absolutely hardline on it - or buy a different house.

If his mother is going to be evicted/homeless and can't find a private rental, the council should deal with it and find appropriate housing. Dh can help with that.

Like others I also wonder what the purpose was of buying a house with an annexe in the first place, unless it was to rent it to someone else?

Realistically MIL was always going to see this as an opportunity to ger her care needs sorted, but in your position I'd forget any possible rent and look for something else

Edited to add I also agreed with this: he isnt going to make his mother homeless is he so if she stops paying nothing will happen- you're stuck with her. The separate front door also makes no difference- she will be at your door constantly
Better, surely, to avoid the whole situation in the first place

Why are you buying a house with an annex? What were your plans for it?

I wonder this too- was it your husband's idea?- if so, there's your answer.

I grew up with my grandmother living with us. I nursed my mother before she died. I love the idea of multigenerational living and deeply regret not being able to provide my daughter with that as she grows up.

But even I think you need to say ‘Hell, NO!’ to your DH and MIL or you WILL become her carer and you WILL resent it and you WILL have marital problems.

We were in a similar position - BIL and SIL thought it was a wonderful idea as did DH although he would have had my parents there.
It turned out it was the excuse for DH's siblings to do feck all to help.

Would it not be easier than helping her from afar. I know it sounds like the answer should be no but realistically you (the family) will likely end up assisting her anyway, would it not be easier and cheaper if she was close

If your DH has been the main driver to buy the property with the annexe then I'd say he and his DM have cooked this idea up together.

It's rather coincidental that her rental property is being sold right at the same time that you're potentially buying a property with an annexe, don't you think?! <suspicious eyes>

No matter what boundaries you discuss with her/them, they will be eroded as time goes on. Before you know it, you'll be wiping her bum while your DH watches the telly.

Ask your DH what his answer would be if you wanted your DP's to move into the annexe? Given the info you've provided about the fact he doesn't like them, I think you can guarantee his answer would be a big fat NO and he won't be troubling himself with the reasons why it's a 'no'. So you do the same. No guilt. Just no.

Don’t buy the house. You’re putting in half so you can say no to the purchase.

This👆

No- the council will not provide paid carers for her if her family is doing it. This means it will all be on OP's shoulders- including toileting, washing, dressing, medication, meals etc. The council will palm off care onto anyone they can to save money - they are notorious for doing this.

I've known neighbours of elderly people be lumbered with the responsibility of giving them their daily medication and helping with personal care simply because they did the odd bit of shopping once in a while for them. The council just assumed they would do it because they helped out a few times previously.

When it comes to the council, you have to make it crystal clear you are offering no help whatsoever otherwise they will hand it all over to you. They are chronically underfunded and thats why they do it.

I would try really hard not to buy the house with the annex. Even if you agree for her not to move in initially it's going to be an ongoing issue, causing resentment on all sides, when it's there.

We'd talked quite a bit over the years about potentially doing something similar with my DM. We get on well and she has a good relationship with DH and the DC. However, since covid she has spent a lot of time with us and it's made me realise that doing it full time, permanently would be a disaster for all of us!

IME this can depend on what the "help" is perceived to be, and it doesn't have to be doing it in person when arrangements with care agencies, etc, can perfectly well be done over the phone and perhaps the odd meeting

Also agree that the sale of MIL's rental place/suggested purchase of the house with annexe coming together is very noticeable. If DH/MIL really have planned this together without consulting OP it's even more reason to refuse before they cook up anything else

A friend has done this, moved her rather controlling MIL into the annex, and is now left rather trapped by all of this. Her husband loves having his mum around but she's left doing all the running around. The MIL is healthy enough but has no life independent of theirs...

It's frankly made me re-evaluate what might happen in the future with my In laws, and I really like them!

Ask dh how he envisages helping his dm with his work /dc /dw. My ils never had my mobile number.. Made for better mh and marriage. All their complaints went direct to dh.. If they turned up without arranging it first I kept to my plans. Even if that meant they didn't see the dc.

YANBU. I can envisage this conversation coming up with DH re. my own MIL. I like her but I need privacy and time alone and with just DH. I would be constantly stressed living with another person constantly around or feeling that they should be included more. It's my home and that means it's the one place where I come first.

It’s a shame if you can’t have a house with an annexe,if that’s what you want, just because your mil is eyeing it up. I would suggest to your dh and mil that a better solution would be to look for sheltered/warden assisted accommodation for her nearby. That way there is always someone she can call on, if and when the need arises. Point out that as you and your dh are both working full time, and have children, and a house to run, there won’t be any capacity for you to assist her, should the time come when she needs it. I feel it’s really important for both parties to maintain a degree of separation, harsh as that may sound.

The advantages which I’m assuming she imagines living in the annexe will bring - being closer to her family and the convivial company and assistance afforded by that - will all collapse in a heap if/when she becomes frail and dependent, needing lots of input. I still haven’t recovered from the four years I spent looking after my dm after she came to live in our spare room after being discharged from hospital after a fall. And that was my idea and I loved her very much. It completely changed our relationship for the worse and because it was all hard slog, and she was gradually losing her mobility and any independence, we both felt trapped and unhappy. She had a call button and I would have to get up in the night to assist her with the loo etc. The companionship, which I had anticipated myself, in the beginning, just didn’t happen, because I was desperate for my free time to be just that. We employed 2 lovely private carers to come in, every day in the end, to facilitate some respite for both me and her. You should ask your dh what arrangements he has in mind to make for his Mum when she starts to need extra help, possibly including personal care, and night time care, because you are not prepared to be the default provider.