To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

You would think that would happen but in reality..

Your MIL has wet herself because she couldn’t get to the toilet. Which one does she want helping her clear her intimate areas? Not her son.

You really see the sex differences when it gets bad. When MIL was dying it fell to me and SIL - there was no way she was going to have men doing what needed to be done. My DP and his brother were terrified and had no idea what to do.

THIS....You will become her carer, no matter what he says.

Don't buy that house.

I think I'd have to say that the house purchase fell through due to a higher offer. I would just find something else honestly. That saves all the hand wringing and guilt (husband's maybe), and compromise, and all the rest of it.

It's too big a thing to work out. Maybe keep looking and find MIL somewhere in sheltered accommodation or over 50s which I think are relatively easy to come by now.

This!

And it’ll be a nightmare if she ever develops dementia.

I completely understand your concerns and agree with many of the risks highlighted here. However, I have a slightly different view overall because if we had an annex, MIL might well move in with us, even though I can't say I'm her biggest fan. But then, I am actually very confident that DH would 100% take on the caring (th ebigger issue would be him spending too much time helping her vs me/the DC).

But I think the resentment factor is important here. You say that you think your DH's attitude to your family is unreasonable. You haven't said why he hates them so much so it is, of course, impossible to assess. But I'd sy that unless you resolve that - either accepting his reasons and respecting them or him accepting he's wrong - you are always going to have this issue in the context of his family.

My parents did this and it ended their marriage.

Agree, it is hugely unfair to accommodate her and yet he can't stand your parents. Besides you must know her future care WILL fall to you somehow. I think you should fight this now rather than later. It might cost you the marriage but at least you won't have a house to sell then!

I would either:

ensure the annex is removed and the house made whole before you even move in

or

buy a different house

if you don’t do one of these two it will continually reappear and your position will be MUCH weaker if living in the house with an empty annex

How old is your MIL?

Looking at the potential future outcomes for this the majority of them end up in you being live in carer for your MIL.

If that is not an outcome you desire I would look at the other options available.

Do not let your MIL move in. This happened to a friend of mine. There was a big discussion beforehand about just because she was staying in the annexe it did not mean they were 1 household and they would live separate lives but despite this…..!
The MIL nearly called the police when my friend was late home from work as she had popped in to see a friend. The MIL planted plants in the garden, then moaned at the kids playing in it. The MIL became ill at the end and despite having carers 4 times a day, it still meant my friend had to do loads of personal care. The MIL did not want her son doing this. Every time the MIL had a visitor they would expect to be given a drink or even a meal. When my friend’s SIL visited she would send her young children to the main house for my friend to look after. My friend always speaks up for herself and her husband is very supportive but it still happened.

Definitely not. And I would address why he doesn't want to spend time with your parents. He doesn't sound very nice.

I would ask your husband to say no to your mother and be honest about the reason - that you all get on much better with a certain amount of distance between you. If your MIL is honest with herself, she will accept this.

I still wouldn't buy it, based on the update.

Don’t buy the house.

He hates your parents but wants to move in his mother?! No way!!

Why? Not everyone thinks their children owe them something 🤷🏼‍♀️

Can you not say that the annexe is already ‘spoken for’ as a home office, games room, gym, etc.?

The day my MIL moves in to my house will be the day I leave. DP is very aware of this.

Another person saying to reconsider the house purchase, unless you were planning to use the annexe for something in particular (in which case it isn’t free for MIL to use anyway!)

I live in a similar situation with my OWN mother and I HATE it even though we were previously close. I feel trapped, judged, and she believes she has a right to know every detail of mine and my children’s lives.

It’s awful.

Absolutely not. You'll end up being her carer

Imagine if she lives in to her mid nineties

As long as the granny flat is there this will be a continuous subject

Could you buy another property instead?

Fast forward 30 years, those posters who are mothers of sons may well find themselves in this situation through no fault of their own.
No doubt your responses would be VERY different if you were said MIL

What a load of old garbage. I have sons and would NEVER want them OR their wives looking after me, I cant think of anything worse and Ive seen how it can ruin marriages. I also wouldnt want to live with them. We all deserve our own space and I didnt have kids just to make them my carers later on in life. I want them to have their own lives and I want us to have a good relationship which wont happen if they end up being my carers. Resentment can destroy even the best relationships, I've seen it happen time and time again. I want to be their parent, not a caring burden.

Personally I would hate for my children to feel forced into caring for me. mid forties I'm hoping by the time I'm elderly we've developed a bit of realistic compassion. I'd hate a slow declince Into dementia/ incontinence.

Planning on setting up a medical directive where I refuse medical care apart from pain relief if I lose capacity.

What's the backstory with your husband and your parents?

Don't do it. There's a high chance you will end up being her carer.

Unfortunately you just don't know how her health will be. I know people who were independent until the day they died at 100+! Fingers crossed, that'll be your MIL. But I also know others who were independent, had a fall or illness and then declined faster than I could ever have believed possible.

You may think you'll have boundaries in place, but when she's had an accident, needs help moving round, dressing, using the bathroom, eating or cooking etc, you'll find it very difficult to say no, because it's hard to say no to someone who's vulnerable and in immediate distress. And it will fall to you, not your husband. She won't want him to help her dress or bathe.

Absolutely not. Annexe or no annexe, this would very likely turn out very badly for you. You might have to be very clear about this….I’d also make sure you get your husband onside so you are together on this.