To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

A lot of people are going to have to rethink their views. Elderly population, lack of affordable housing. I think in the future we will have children who can't fly the nest and parents who, because of the expense and lack of care facilities, live with their children. In lots of countries this is the norm.

Unfortunately I think you might be right, we will end up with a generation of stunted kidults who never flew the nest.
We will become like those backward countries where this is the norm.

Your husband sounds like he needs a big wake up call on respect.

’No. You can barely be polite to my parents, but think it’s ok in return to consider your mother basically moving in to our family home? I don’t think our marriage could survive that much hypocrisy to be honest. That’s before you even get to the question of elder care and the use of the annexe. I do not want to live with extended family and I don’t think it will work for any of us, including MIL. No.’

Honestly the fact that he’s even got to the point of discussing rent would have me LIVID. And I’d be asking to see that eviction notice, because I think it’s rather suspicious timing.

I had this conversation with my husband years ago. I didn't want to live with my own mum either, but I did make it clear to him that however much I loved his parents (and I really did), I wasn't going to say no to my mum (who would always have wanted to live with us) and then say yes to his. That really is only fair.

Absolutely not in the circumstances.
Did he steer you to the house because of the annexe ?
It would be a deal breaker for me.

And be under no illusions: it will end in caring. We ended up with both surviving parents (his and mine) around the corner from us and looking after them at the end of their lives, even with help, took a lot of work. The closer you are, the more you'll have to do.

What were your plans for the annexe?

My fil wants to live in our annex.

i told dh he could agree as a divorcee.

don’t buy a house with an annex.

I’ve lived with my MIL and would tell every woman on earth DON’T DO IT NO MATTER HOW NICE YOU THINK THEY ARE.

I really disagree with this comment. Many men take on caring roles.

Of course, OP might well, but it's not a given.

As someone who willingly had my much-loved Mum for the last few years of her life, I still wouldn’t recommend it, if there is an acceptable alternative. It nearly finished me off. Have you actually cared for an aging parent 24/7 for a number of years?

And no I don't mean care

You might not, but old age is relentless and insidious in its progress. My Mum was able to get herself to the loo with a frame, when she first came to us. By the time of her death, she had be helped on to the commode and assisted afterward, spoon fed, encouraged to drink and had a catheter, because of frequent UTIs. I couldn’t have done it for anyone else.

Edit: Oh, and I am the mother of sons and I have already told them I shall be perfectly happy in a home (the thought absolutely terrifies me), because I don’t want them to feel either trapped or guilt-ridden. I want them living their lives.

Men can do of course but statistics show that its overwhelming women who are expected to and taking on caring roles: https://www.ageuk.org.uk/our-impact/campaigning/care-in-crisis/breaking-point-report/

1. The majority of carers are women. Almost 6 in 10 (58%) of carers at the last Census (2011) were women. Caring falls particularly on women in their 40s, 50s and 60s, with 1 in 4 women aged 50-54 having caring responsibilities for older or disabled loved ones, compared to 1 in 6 men[5].

1. Women are also overrepresented in those providing ‘round the clock’ care, with 60% of those caring for over 50 hours a week being female[6].

1. As a result of women’s overrepresentation amongst carers, particularly those aged over 40, reductions in practical and financial support for carers and rising demand for unpaid care and support are likely to have a disproportionate effect on women and their employment prospects.

Sandwich caring

1. Increasingly parents are combining looking after young children with caring for older or disabled loved ones. Research from YouGov suggests that over 2.4 million people are already combining raising children with caring for older parents.[7] This is often called ‘sandwich caring’ or ‘dual caring’.

1. Research shows that women are more likely than men to be sandwich carers[8] and the peak age for sandwich caring is 40-49, slightly younger than the peak age for caring. However the impact on the ability to work is likely to mean that the retirement income of this group will is be significantly affected.

From government stats.

Ask your DH what his answer would be if you wanted your DP's to move into the annexe
This.

All adults should have a right to veto someone else moving into their home.

What are your husband's plans for supporting his mother, especially as she grows older?

I might consider it if I was 100% confident that I could make sure I didn't have to lift a finger for her and everything that had to be done for her would land on his head. However he will have set things up so that everything lands on the op's head so she will have to have a good strategy in place to out maneuver him

However, if MIL does need help, she will be nearby.
My MIL lives in our annex and i hardly see her. Husband or kids sees to her needs

This - if you don’t need the annexe (ie weren’t planning on knocking through and enlarging the space), I’d pull out and buy elsewhere. If things were equal - the annexe would be available at some future date for your parents, if you both got on with each sets of parents, it would probably be workable with clear ground rules and an iron clad undertaking from DH that her ongoing care in the event of declining health is HIS responsibility… but as it stands I think this could have huge implications for you marriage in the future.

(And I say this a someone who loves her PiLs to bits and would happily have them move in and stay with us if their needs meant they were safest with us and/or it gave SiL a break. Difference is, we’re seriously very close.)

Thanks all for your comments.

We did not specifically want to buy a house with an annexe. However, we have been looking for over a year and we really like the house and it ticks lots of boxes for us in terms of size, area etc. etc. Our intention for the annexe is ultimately to make it part of the main house (when time and funds allow) and, in the meantime, we were thinking of potentially renting it out. We are aware of what this would entail as we have both been landlords before.

My MIL called my husband a few days ago to ask about the annexe, so I do not think it is a scheme that has been cooked up behind my back. My husband has also been thinking about the implications of it all, including being fair between all PILs (including his own dad), our original intentions for the annexe, needing our own space etc. He has told his mum that we need to to take time to seriously think about her request and that the decision will be one that is made jointly between us.

To be honest, I don't think it is something he particularly wants, but it is probably harder for him to say no to his own mum. He has two siblings, but he definitely does more to help his mum than the others do.

Absolutely not!

You would end up as her carer without a doubt.

In fact for me it would be a divorce situation if a partner tried to push this scenario on me...

Urgh, why does it always seem to fall to the female partner to shoulder work, kids AND elder care? What the hell is wrong that HE can't be the one to shoulder his mother's care? My step dad is trying to force my mum to do the same, as if he's somehow not supposed to be the one responsible to care for his own mother.

I'd probably agree if it were my mother in law, but so would my husband if it were my mother. It's not connected to your house and you just need to firm up boundaries. However, if your dh can't manage an hour with your parents I'd point out that it's difficult for you to agree to live with his as it's unfair on your parents but should your parents need assisted living in future you'd have to offer them the same... See what he says to that?

You think there’s a chance that you might not end up as her carer, being the closest adult female in proximity? lolololol 😂

I'd choose a different house. Which is a shame as I think a separate attached dwelling is a perfect bit of space for when you need to decompress from the world.

God that sounds awful, sorry! I'd rather have a stranger as I'd feel family member would be coming in my house and personal space all the time and that would be awful !
It will also end up being your responsibility I'm sure as the other children would assume you guys are doing everything

Sounds as though the possibility of her moving in, and therefore being there long term, makes this a no-go as extending/incorporating it into the house would likely never happen if she moves in. You could hardly give her notice 3-5 years down the line because you want to get on with it, could you? Moving her in WILL be permanent and you will lose access to the annexe space forever.

Totally feel for your DH, but I think he should consider stating that you had only considered airbnb-ing the annexe or doing a couple of short-term lets to fund the building work you envisage to incorporate it into the house… then work with her to find an alternative rental.