To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

You absolutely have to say no.

Seriously it will end your marriage if you don't.

DHs reply to his mum needs to be that the annexe is going to be needed for various different occasional guest and you can't have anyone permanent in there. (If I had an annexe I would rent it out as airbnb accommodation whenever I didn't need it but would use it at least 15 weeks a year for various guests)

She'll be welcome to come and stay for 4 or 5 days occasionlly but can't live there.

I think you also mustn't agree to her staying there as a stop-gap if her current landlord evicts her. If she has a family backup option like this she will plummet down the priority list for being rehoused by the council and you'll never get her out of there. If she's evicted she needs to present as homeless and she will be matched to appropriate accommodation

Need therapy...maybe just needs to decide to be bit nicer and make an effort.

It sounds like you're basically recommending that the OP and DH fund private care for MIL? Ie the rent money she pays to be used for carers. If so, can you really not see why they might not jump at the opportunity to pick up the tab for this, instead of being able to have full use of the home they're buying?

Also, this is one of those situations where flip the sexes doesn't work, because elder care disproportionately falls on women. Especially when it's elder care of females. Whether any of the people in this setup understand and want it or not, moving an older, lower income and already unwell woman onto the premises is setting the women, not the man up to be carer in the future.

Agree with this.

Hell would freeze over before I would live with my MIL! Just tell DH that you're paying 50/50 so the answer is no.

i wouldn't even take the chance - you will end up miserable

I understand everyone's position on this, but I can't help wondering if you agreeing would help him learn to be a bit more tolerant of your parents, which might perhaps make your life a bit better in other ways? You would, of course, have to make it very clear that you will never, not ever, be this woman's carer. And I'm sorry, but I'd probably want that on paper!

That 'promise' would not be worth the paper it was written on, I can tell you that.

Just because you buy a house with an annex it doesn't mean you want your parents or his moving in. Just say no it's one word NO. My husband moved my MIL closer to us. Used to be a 4 hour drive to her home, now it's a 5 minute walk! She is 91 and does need assistance. I immediately got social worker involved and arranged carers twice a day. I didn't sign up to be a carer and to be honest don't want to be.

Yeah thats notbwhat shes got an issue with

So, the fact he won't tolerate your parents means this is totally unfair.

But equally, being someone in the middle of the beginnings of elder care for my own mother right now I would give so much to be closer to her. If you're going to care for an aging parent there is so much to consider. The weight of the decisions is enormous.

I'm an only child, it's going to be me and I am not going to see my mother going to a home prematurely. At 89 she's probably also too old to do another move on her own into sheltered accommodation before then. She is also still independent in many ways, has hobbies, lives her garden, but she is becoming increasingly less mobile and likely subject to falls.

If I had an annexe I would absolutely move her in if I could to keep her happier for longer. Right now I'm already doing all the intermediate non-personal care ( house alarm problems, Internet problems, online shopping, ordering bits for her, arranging banking stuff....all of that). If she was closer my life would absolutely be easier at this stage. But then I also know she has the funds for care later on.

Categorically for my mum I would have her as close as I could.

Would he change her incontinence pads? Would he wipe her bum? Would he help her bathe/shower?

@Snugglemonkey yes he would. But I do think he's unusual.

More importantly though, my point was always about the resentment.

I'd buy a different property. There are stamp duty implications got buying properties with annexes and multiple dwelling relief has recently been abolished. If MIL gets help with her rent benefits wise she may lose that if the tenancy is to a family member

Are you buying with a mortgage as this would make renting out the annex tricky

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon i have yes. But i don’t mean everyone should take on a caring role if they don’t want to, just have some general compassion in the comments really. people
seem to be getting meaner

But the vast vast majority of unpaid carers are women. Esp for in laws....

Many men assume their women folk will do it... There's way more women making themselves run ragged and missing their careers (im one of them.) then there are men...

The assumption is women WANT to do it.. Rarely do... Few people expect that men should move heaven and earth to help elderly parents.. Esp give up their income... Women are often expected /encouraged to.

Women are often expected /encouraged to.
@IamtheDevilsAvocado I agree but I also have the impression women are starting to push back against this- would you say so?

This...

If they're mid 60s... They could easily live a other 30 years... My dad has... He was convinced he'd be dead by 70...

Do you potentially want caring responsibilities for another 30 years if this is the case...

It could ruin your middle age and your healthy retirement years...

Yes... I think and hope so...

But it does feel society and the state conspire to make it as difficult as possible...

Of course, women's free labour is a resource to which those who benefit from it feel entitled.

Most of us would like to be kind & do right by our parents. But as said the unpalatable truth is that this could entail taking on something aged around 60 with the demands of a part time job which becomes progressively more difficult & time consuming until we reach our 70s.

It’s so unfair you have to go through this and MIL is calling up to chase it up.

What I dislike about her behaviour is it seems that she is talking only to your husband about it. It’s such a huge decision that if she was serious she should come over and talk in person to BOTH of you.

My MIL did the same. She wanted to park a car on our property for no defined period. Then as she is older even more, she suggested moving in. She only talked to DH about it, as though I wasn’t part of this decision.

Her sense of entitlement to our house annoyed me. She can’t use our property for her personal use.

This is the last stop for your MIL. She’s aged and she’s renting. She will not be moving out when she’s in, if she is given the ok. Like you say, she could be very nice but it’s a bit much after a few hours (like mine). You will never have privacy again to begin with. Then you will have her popping in all the time. Then driving to appointments and having to care for her. It’ll never stop. I hope you and your DH say no.

So...she asked...I find that a bit rude. It's one thing to ask if you can stay for a few weeks while you find somewhere else to live, but she's put everybody in an awkward position.

That being said, the annexe has its own door and no interconnecting doors. It would be like she lives next door, not inside your home.

I think it's reasonable to not want her so close. If you all got along really well then it would be different. But you don't owe her a home just because her husband left her and she had to sell her previous one. She's an adult and capable of living alone.

If she's worried about her future she could look at living in over 55s accommodation that's designed to have additional support and opportunities to make friends. Perhaps something to suggest to her as "why would you want to live with us and two little kids when you could live in some accommodation around people your own age me maybe make some friends"

If the annexe is close enough that your plan/hope is to connect it to the house, then it would be a hard no from me. I don't want a neighbour who's a family member that close to me that they'll just nip across whenever they see fit, esp of you have children and they'll just set the precedent of nipping across to see grandma (if they get along) or bringing her over to see x y or z.
You'll also end up picking up more and more as her abilities deteriorate. Even if it's not out of expectation, you'll just find yourself picking it all up until it's unmanageable.

I think you know the answer is "no", it's just finding a compassionate way of saying it to her. There will be hurt feelings and disappointment but you need to put your own wellbeing first rather than putting other people's perceived needs before your own. Us women do this far too often and get shamed into taking on care roles that we don't want to do or aren't emotionally equipped for - it's OK to put yourself first! Living next door to a mother in law who we find irritating would be a nightmare; we all know it.

So ultimately you're looking at one uncomfortable conversation versus decades of likely stress and resentment if she moved in. I'd take the uncomfortable conversation personally.