To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

Just to put my feelings from both sides...
MumofThreeChaos my mother is also at this stage - we thought she was going to move into the newly built sheltered accommodation half a mile from her home but she couldn't face the move.
Shortly after we had bought our modest 2 up 2 down terrace she said "I don't know why I didn't think of it before - I could have sold this and we could have bought a bigger house and all lived together!" (and then she could have faced the move?!) - No! I love my Mum to bits but I already work as a live in carer ("for other peoples' mothers!") so I know what it's like. It's one thing doing 2 weeks and being able to go home, it's another having that permanently and more difficult when it's your own parents too. It would destroy our relationship.
As the OP said about MIL I find Mum irritating to spend more than a few hours with (especially as her belief in God has got ever stronger and comes into EVERY conversation!) but while she doesn't live with us I can smile, agree with her and do everything I can to make her feel loved and not a burden.
She is becoming more dependent on me, not so much physically as emotionally, and that is something that needs to be taken into account - she wants me to do her shopping rather than an online shop not just because "you know what I like" but because it gives her an excuse to see me. My brother is very supportive but doesn't understand this side of it.
So it's not about not being compassionate, quite the opposite.
Anyway don't know whether any of this helps, good luck with whatever you decide.
Looking for LA over 55s accommodation sounds like a good idea to me though.

I think you need to think about your husbands attitude. You don't sound like a very considerate couple. It is difficult for single older people and could be you one day. Scott your relationship with husband before you do any thing else.

I'm gonna sound clueless here, but I don't understand how these situations happen because I would just say no until the end of time. I'm not overly susceptible to guilt trips when it comes to someone else's responsibility. If my MIL ever moved in I wouldn't be doing anything for her, no matter how small, because she isn't my mother. If he wants her to move in, he can do the things, surely?!

What I dislike about her behaviour is it seems that she is talking only to your husband about it. It’s such a huge decision that if she was serious she should come over and talk in person to BOTH of you

I think this is very valid, @DesignPod, but then it's a well worn path for folk to ask something of the one they consider most likely to agree - not "divide and rule" exactly, though some certainly attempt that too

Luckily OP tells us that her DH said it's something they'd have to discuss themselves. It may not stop "quiet words in his ear" when they're alone if that's the way she chooses to go, but at least he seems to have started out well

People are talking about what happens later on, should MIL need assistance with basic tasks. If she can't manage her washing, dressing, toileting etc, and the carers don't turn up, many posters know from experience whether the man or the woman is more likely to end up being the one who changes the pad. Or at least gets pressured to.

There's also the issue of securing care in the first place. MIL doesn't appear to be very well off, so it'll probably be local authority. Once they get wind of relatives on the premises, that makes attempts at gatekeeping more likely.

Basically, there are a lot of factors that mean the nearest middle aged woman is disproportionately likely to at least be pressured to take on care. The more needy and vulnerable the person is, the harder it is to assert boundaries.

Thank you. I am aware of the stats showing this to be true, I've just never experienced it so I wasn't really aware of how it happens. I can see how a slow creep could be possible, and OP would need to be solid as a rock for that not to happen.

Would you do it for your own mum?

Couldn't agree more with what ap[pears the majority view, a recipe for disaster. Combination of a busy job, children and no doubt all the housework/associated chores failure is a guarantee as is the certainty the MIL care will be added to the list. And, what kind of man would bar her in-laws from the annexe, but reckon his own could occupy it? Methinks his conduct shows the classic signs of a controlling individual and suggest the marriage be reviewed.

It surely shouldn't be necessary to teach a grown man to be a 'bit more tolerant towards your (her) parents". Tolerance is hardly something that's taught, maybe learned/understood as a child but not 'taught' to a grown man. Marriage itself is surely about tolerance. And, why should she have to agree his demands just to make her "life a bit better in other ways"? For me that goes to the heart of the issue, it sounds like she already complies with his wishes just for the sake of a quiet life. And, with a full-time busy job, two children and a house to run she likely hasn't noticed the gradual control being exerted over her life. Now its being expressed in a fairly overt manner. As for recording anything in writing, i.e. a contract, A) it shouldn't be necessary, B) it would be a mirror reflecting a poor relationship C), get lost somewhere in the translation or simply lost. In any event not worth the paper on which it was written. As a final thought this attitude to his wife possibly reflects the relationship the husband had with his mother during his upbringing.

Just to add to this -

If you've not been in the situation before then it's really easy to say that you wouldn't provide the care.

What happens when the carers don't turn up? It happens quite regularly. If you're the only one on hand, would you leave your MIL sat in her own shit for hours?

The reality is totally different. Which is why you don't have someone living with you if you don't want to provide care for them.

This may be unfair, but I can't help feeling that those two have done a pincer movement on you. Have you considered that this may be a set-up?

And distancing himself from your parents seems like a red flag.

No.
(See my previous post)

I'd be interested to see what happened in the end!