To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

Big fat no from me. Literally can’t think of anything worse. As others have said this is the thin edge of the wedge, before you know it then you are her carer. Thats before we even get to the hypocrisy about your parents

Agree with poster that suggests sheltered accommodation. She will be on your doorstep and her health is likely to decline inevitably meaning that caring responsibilities will fall to you. If you are feeling resentful already that is a big red flag.
You can dress up the sheltered housing option as coming with more support for her, organised activities, nice gardens, whatever she's into.

I’d pull out the sale. This could be a nightmare and be the death of your marriage.

Read the current thread about a MIL who lives in the same house and has just ruined a family dinner celebration. The poster can't do anything without inviting her MIL and she knows exactly what they are doing all the time. Don't do it. If your husband insists suggest he buys a house with her instead....

F

Fast forward 30 years, those posters who are mothers of sons may well find themselves in this situation through no fault of their own.
No doubt your responses would be VERY different if you were said MIL.

Whilst I can empathise with OP's concern I'm aghast at some of the heartless responses to an ageing parent about to be homeless.
Whether I liked her/got on with her or not, I'd help if I was able to. And no I don't mean care, I mean a roof over your husband's mother's and kids' grandmother's head. JFC.

If you are feeling resentful already that is a big red flag

Spot on- you are already feeling like this and you haven't even started living with her yet! Imagine how much worse this will get when you inevitably end up as her carer and you will, because it's always expected of the woman. The fact you have even had this thought means you have picked up on some subtle hints that it will be expected of you.

Look, this isnt about love. I love and adore my family and friends but I dont want to live with them 24/7. Its not because they are horrible people and its not because I dont love them, it's because my home is my only space to relax and I need and value my privacy. Privacy is also really important for your relationship with your husband. If it wasn't, then everyone would just live with their parents instead of getting their own house. It's literally the reason people want their own house in the first place so its not wrong or unkind to want and value your own space.

You need to take this really seriously now because if you go along with it and she moves in, it will be a million times harder to change the situation later on down the line. She isnt going to move out once she's comfortable there and then you'll have to deal with all the emotional turmoil of making an old lady leave and being the "bad guy". Take action now before it's too late. Say no.

The op is not responsible in any way for her mil. Why would she end up assisting her?

No way would i let her move in, you'll be signed up to be her helper then carer.

Plans for Airbnb making cash may see dh change his thinking...

I would suggest to your dh and mil that a better solution would be to look for sheltered/warden assisted accommodation for her nearby. That way there is always someone she can call on, if and when the need arises

An excellent idea, but one that's unlikely to be popular if it turns out the pair of them really have planned this together

I’m also thinking they’ve planned this between them. Unless there was another plan for the annex

I would not care how popular it is, it is the only option.

No way, she already annoys you, that will be 10 times worse when she's in the annex.

If you think you will end up her carer sounds like your DH already has some expectations of you?

Nip this in the bud now.

No way would I agree to this. I've done elderly care for relatives twice now and I wouldnt advise anyone to do it. It starts small and then gets more and more exhausting and demanding as time goes on. I almost had a nervous breakdown trying to juggle caring/assisting with a full time job, my own kids and balancing my own needs. My mental health still hasn't fully recovered and I would never take it on ever again. I would advise anyone to think very carefully about this because unless you've been there, you have no idea how much it affects you.

I absolutely would not agree to this. For certain you will be providing for any care needs. With medication and care many people live into their 90’s with ever increasing care needs. If you end up with all that you will have no life.
Do not buy that house, your dh wants the annexe for his dm.

Very possibly, yes
I was only thinking of the rows it might cause if OP's seen to scotch a carefully made plan, but of course better one row now than endless ones in future if the demands ramp up

I would rather pull out of buying the house than let her move in. It’s a no from me

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

No, for this reason alone. The resentment will eat away at you and I wouldn't blame you one bit.
That's before you start thinking about all the ways her care will become your problem.
I would have no qualms in telling him this either.

Our house had a half finished ground floor annexe when we bought it. Due to my health, and as it turns out, my DH as well, we turned it into a ground floor master suite. Which sounds a lot posher than it actually is, but it really works well for us. And incidentally, stopped my mother thinking she would move in with us if her husband passes away before her.

No no no..

We accepted money off the in laws towards a house once and never again I ended up selling and giving the money back!

Different situation but no way would I be buying that house.

you'll want a written contract that if she needs help then DH will have to do it

Yes, this is a big sign, frankly, of your boundaries being stepped way over. He can't be in a room or spend much time with your parents in law, however it's ok for his mother to virtually move in. Not OK.

I agree with this. Do not walk into this trap.

This.
If he won't tolerate your parents then you don't tolerate his parents.
The end.