To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

Well maybe they should rise their sons not to have such double standards. Why is it perfectly reasonable for him to not be able to stand her parents, but expects her to house his mother?

He would refuse your parents living there. QED.

Quite. Apparently the OP is "heartless" not to want to live with her MIL and yet the husband wont even spend an evening with her parents and thats not heartless at all I presume?

Bloody hell. Misogyny at its finest I see.

How old is MIL? Is it likely to be 5-10 years of her living there, or more like 20? Not that you can know of course, my granny is 95 and no signs of slowing down just yet!

Pull out of any house with an annexe and tell your dh he needs to make a care plan with his dm. Just no way op.

That isnt to say you should consider it, but it should factor in to yours and dhs thoughts about it.
Personally it would be a big no from me!

Nope nope nope. It’s not fair he won’t tolerate your parents at all and yet expects you to live with his. WTAF? I’d be livid if I was you- what kind of BS double standard is that?!

Agree with PP, you’ll end up being her carer if that’s the kind of attitude he has.

Be the one to say no then.

No - because of the care implications
No - because of the unfairness
No - because of the risk of default and not being able to claw back
No - because of issues with your parents.

The only reason you have to say yes, is because of a massive guilt trip. This is not a reason to do this.

It will only end badly.

This is just the easy option for her.

This. Your DH has got a nerve expecting you to even consider it imo.

This, although a bit extreme, but so would be my reaction.
Short story, I wouldn't have my own mother living with my husband and me.
She lives in another country in a family size apartment.

And you don't think there's even the slightest chance that OP is going to find herself stuck with being her MIL's carer in the future? I think you're being very naive if not.

What will MIL do instead?

I'm assuming he wouldn't be happy if you suggested your parents move in there?

Another thing to think about is what happens if you need to move house in the future.

You may think you will be in this house forever but things change. You may want to move elsewhere for space/job/location/whatever. Doing that will effectively make your mil homeless again - unless you bring her with you.

Your dh would be better off working with his mum to find secure housing for her now - independent of him.

OP Can I suggest that you divide off the issue of his not liking your parents and his mother wanting to move into the annexe? I know that's hard but any hint of tit for tat is not going to help this situation.

If she needed help living where she currently is who would give it to her?
Would it be a case of your husband heading off each evening/morning whenever required? If so it would be convenient having her close by.
If she would be employing a helper living away she could also use that option when living in annex.
Think about type of tenant you would have if put it out on market how do they compare to family member?
What siblings does your husband have ? I would imagine that could be most difficult part few coming to visit Granny but end up doing it in your house as annex is small. Or jealousy around Granny paying you rent.

I think you should say no. She can be local but not in an annex. If you go ahead with this you can't go back on it without a big falling out. I have my DM stayig here for a couple of months and although she is very considerate I need my own space. It's not going to be good her being there and everyone being driven nuts

Absolutely not. Especially as she’s ill you’ll feel bad asking her to move out and be guilt tripped into having her there and being responsible for her long term. I would say 100% no especially if he wouldn’t do the same for your parents. It may be hard to say no now but it’ll be even harder to change things once she’s moved in. Don’t do it!!!!!

Having seen the update I feel that perhaps Op's husband isn't as bad as I first thought!

That said if MIL moves in I would think she is unlikely to move out so it would be with that in mind that I would be answering!

If she would keep to herself & be a good tenant that could be a positive.

If her own son has doubts though then it probably has to be a no.

I'm also interested in the story of husband & Op's parents.

@Groveparkmama

Although it never happened, DH and I had a discussion early on about 'parents moving in'. In our case it would have had to include adding on to our house so no 'ready made' annexe. One major difference is that DH loved my parents, so him 'not wanting them there' wouldn't have been an issue. I had the same concerns you had about being turned into the 'primary carer'.

After much discussion, and to be fair to both sets of parents, it was decided that none of them would live with us but that we would give each other 100% support in caring for that parent if that time should come. That meant that either of us would assume 100% of our 'domestic load' should the other of us have to spend time or stay at their respective parent's home for caring duties. We did have to do that for each other with our mums, but we accepted the 'extra' home duties gladly. We also agreed that we'd be willing to 'top up' any care fees should that be necessary. Luckily for us, the financial need never arose as both our fathers died at home and both our mothers required professional care that they could adequately pay for without our help.

So, discuss with your husband absolutely. But do remember that if you should put your foot down wrt his mother, that he will have the absolute right to put his foot down about your parents, too. And vice versa, that's only fair. So be sure you also discuss your parent's possible future needs, too. That may affect his willingness to have his mother move to the annexe, once he realizes that your parents will have an 'open door' to do that too, should the time come.

'Lillieloola · Today 10:39
Looneytune253 · Today 10:35

Would it not be easier than helping her from afar. I know it sounds like the answer should be no but realistically you (the family) will likely end up assisting her anyway, would it not be easier and cheaper if she was close
This👆'

She does not need to be that close!

Assisting is one thing, of course you assist for a couple of weeks when there is an operation or some temporary blip, but in this case it would be a growing need.

OP would become the default carer - at least if there was some distance, it would be a little respite.

Even having carers in will become more and more intrusive, would you accept hoists, special beds, the additional needs such as rails and grabs? Take out your bathroom for a specialised shower/wet room?
What if occupational therapists say the room is not now adequate - what else do you have? Your bedroom?
Presuming she will want some of her favourite bits around her - obviously fine in her home, but I don't want a lot of mismatched furniture in my house.
Is she going to cook for herself? Safely?
She and her needs will outgrow your annexe.
This isn't a one off, it's a growing need. Looking after a child or your husband should they need it is one thing, changing incontinence pads for your MIL is quite another.

It's not about love, or being a kind and caring person, it's about you providing the necessary, sacrificing your plans for your MIL, and OK shoot me, carrying a burden that is not yours to carry.

You have your annexe, and enjoy it, but do not become a carer unless that is your plan.

While admittedly you a bit less so, neither of you seem to like each others parents so probably best that you both move in a leave the annexe empty until you're more settled.

If your DH is persistent ask him what his thoughts would be if your DP's asked to move into the annexe.

Edited to say just read your last post....Your DH should explain to his DM what he told you..
Seems fair that no one family member has first choice.

Yes, from your description of your relationship with MIL, it’s a bad idea. It’s good your dh also doesn’t seem keen. My MIL asked to move in & my dh was keen to say yes…. I was the ultimate bad guy but I held my ground on the No. It would have been me doing all the caring, being present etc and I wasn’t prepared to do it - I was already struggling let alone adding more in. I was told how selfish I was etc etc but dh does now know it was the right course of action. It was a battle but it blew over pretty quickly.

With your update I'd say no to her. Tell her your planning to rent it out only for a year to fund renovations to make it part of the main house.

Why? tit for tat is highly relevant in this scenario- why is it ok for the MIL to move in but not her parents? why does his MIL get respect and care but her parents dont?

A scenario like this is of course going to cause massive resentment over time- especially if her parents start to need care and he wont help at all but still expects her to look after his mother. You cannot ignore the effect this will have on their relationship- it could be devastating.