To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

Charge her rent and she will have to pay the council tax too.
Unless you have plans for the annexe.

No no no!

Do not do it.

Do not buy the house.

Consider leaving your husband he sounds like a very unpleasant man.

No, you will end up being her carer because I guarantee he won't do it, it always falls to the woman

Honestly, I’d be reconsidering buying a house with an annexe. Surely this came up when you were considering this house — what were you thinking about for the annexe?

I wouldn’t contemplate living with my parents or ILs if the world were crumbling around our ears, but DH feels similarly.

This sounds very difficult and even more so with your husband's attitude towards your parents.

I would not want this and yes you will end up being her carer just by default. I would seriously reconsider buying this house.

I wouldn’t do it

THIS. You will end up being her carer. It will start with small things, "oh come on, its just a bit of laundry", then it will escalate to "come on, its just helping her quickly in the mornings to get dressed- I cant do it, I'm male and her son, it wouldnt be appropriate blah blah blah" until before you know it, your frog is boiled and you are doing every bloody thing. Say no, then say no some more, then say an extra no. Your husband is being unbelievably hypocritical.

Can I ask what the reason is you want to buy a house with an annexe, as you must have had intentions for it?

Given the situation I wouldn’t agree to her moving in so YANBU.

This.

Taking everything you've said into account, it surely has to be a no. If you say yes, this will be how it is and there will most likely be no going back. It will be a huge, huge strain ultimately. Your wellbeing and happiness matters too OP.

What plans did you have for the annexe?
How exactly does your husband intend to enforce rent payment- he's hardly going to make her homeless if she defaults!

You could be stuck with this situation for years. There's more red flags involved than bunting at a fair.

Why are you buying a house with an annexe? Would she still want to move in with you if you had just a spare bedroom? The annexe would be a better option if self contained.

I couldn’t have done it Op.

DH & I actually talked about parents moving in before we got married. We both had experience of our maternal Grandmothers moving in , and we saw a lot of strain on the family, our mothers especially. We agreed we would never allow that to happen, and I stuck to it, even when MIL wanted to move in during Covid. Like you, I knew it would be me that would have to do the heavy lifting.

What does your husband say when you bring up his mother’s likely care needs? Is he one to help her now? Does he share the load with you today?

If you are wedded to the idea of the house with the annexe, then you need a very clear conversation with DH & then MIL so everyone knows the boundaries.

And I would check the legal situation just to ensure it doesn’t affect care/ care home eligibility in the future.

Ask your dh how he'd feel if your parents moved into the annexe?

Why are you buying a house with a man who doesn't tolerate your parents? Are your parents that bad? Now might be the time to really have a look at your long-term future.

Not being unreasonable. You'll end up being at best, the person who helps her every day and organises her care etc at worst, her full carer - are you ready to help this woman with her intimate care every day?

My parents had this issue with their parents. They both decided that if one set wasnt allowed to move in then neither could the other. It's the only fair way. If your husband wouldnt tolerate your parents moving in (which he clearly would not) then neither should his mother. Thats hardly fair is it?

Why does DH have a problem with your parents? How solid is your marriage (he doesn’t sound great based on what you say)? How much faith do you have that he will shoulder the burden of any care? Do you actually like your MIL? Would it be a positive for your kids to have her around?

Even if you loved your mother-in-law to pieces and she was in perfect health it would probably still be a bad idea because, well it just is isn’t it

My parents came to live with us so say for six months of the year, they had a seaside holiday home . That quickly changed. They were with us for 5/18 years. At one point I gave up work to nurse my father in his final six months. It went on for three and a half years. We used up our savings, I lost my career and our children suffered. We were on the bones of our arse. He refused a home and I was not the only child. Nobody helped.
Fit sixty somethings turn into totally reliant eighty somethings. You'd never get her out. Buy something smaller. I wouldn't wish elderly care on anyone.

Erm, are you entirely sure you're not being set up here?

If he wouldn’t be willing to have your parents live in it then it would be a definitely no for me.

there isn’t a compromise in this situation,

Hard no from me. She’d be much better off looking at LA over 55s accommodation. This tends to be available more often than other accommodation as there is a decent turnover of people. It’s much easier to get a cleaner/ carers/ district nurse and even a Gp visit etc as they will be seeing other residents. This will help as her care needs increase. If you let her move in, you will get dumped with everything, you’ll end up back on here at some point when she has been admitted to hospital discussing refusing to have her back as you are completely burnt out.

100% do not let her move in!

If you're super set on the house with an annexe then tell him you want it converting to a games room, a library, storage etc - anything other than a house for his mum.

With his attitude to your parents I wouldn't be allowing his mum to move in with you, especially when as PP have said the support will be coming from you in 99% of cases.

Ooh. I would let that sale fall through and buy a different house without an annex, tbh.

If you don't have one then your frail about-to-be-homeless MIL can't ask to live in it. Rent and council tax are not the issue here.

I’ve just spent two months living with a relative of my husband’s due to a house chain issue. Even with the fact that it was for a temporary period it was not easy for anyone. I would advise you to nip the idea in the bud as soon as possible and be very clear about it. No “perhaps” or “I’m not sure” sitting on the fence comments, say a clear no.