ExDH came out as gay

[Hostageslikethis]

Hi, not too sure why I'm posting but I don't feel I can say anything to friends yet.

DH and I met at 18 and 21, married at 22 and 25, then 8 years later had 2 boys who are now 14 and 16. We divorced 4 years ago, the chemistry was gone, we weren't happy. It was all very amicable, we still spend Christmas/The kids birthdays/mothers & fathers day together, there is no bad blood. We do week on/week off with the kids so it is truly 50/50, everyone is happy.

On Sunday I took him out for a fathers day meal with the boys, his week to have the boys so I dropped them off, he invited me in for a coffee. The alternative was going home alone to an empty house so I was grateful for the offer.

He then told me he needs to tell me something before he tells the boys and that news is that he is Gay, he has been in a relationship with a man since November. If I'm honest I cried!
I don't want him back, but I'm devastated, I feel lied to. He swears he didn't really know as he had never allowed himself to explore that side of himself out of shame. He claims he was attracted to me but doesn't feel like he is currently bisexual and feels gay fits better.
He told me the man he is seeing was also married to a woman, now a widower, has a 15 year old DD who he is going to tell soon too and they want to meet each others kids/introduce the kids to each other if they are ok with it.

I came home and I can't help but feel betrayed, lied to. I don't know how the boys will react.

Any advice? AIBU to feel like this?

You feel how you feel but if he's a decent man then there's no reason to think he ever lied to you. Sexuality can be fluid and a lot of people realise later in life that they aren't straight.

He loved you, you have your boys. He now loves this other person and wants to have a life with him.

I appreciate it's a shock, but I genuinely don't believe he lied to you. I firmly believe he loved you when you were married, still loves you and obviously respects you, and has only very recently been able to come to terms with his sexuality. He lived with shame for years trying to come to terms with this. That is heartbreaking.

As a pp said.

He seems to have a lot of respect for you to tell you in the way he did, that doesn't sound like someone who has been lying to you.

Plenty of people find their sexuality develops as time goes on, it doesn't mean that before they recognised it they were being deceitful.

Its also not a reflection on your relationship & marriage with him, nor does it change what you had together.

Its going to be HUGE for the kids

I would personally advice them to hold off telling them for awhile, November isnt that long ago and they are all going to need alot of time to adjust

Maybe a good idea if you were there when he tells them for some moral support and if the boys want to leave or ask you questions

Dear OP,

You feel how you feel. Feelings don't need to be rational or correct. There's no right or wrong. They are what they are and you mustn't judge yourself harshly for them. Permit yourself to have feelings.

Can I ask, have you had a mostly positive experience of coparenting with your ex so far?

Your feelings are your feelings, but feeling something doesn’t make it true. You feel he lied to you, but that doesn’t mean he did. It sounds like you two have had a very good relationship as co-parents, even if you didn’t work as a couple, and from what you’ve said, I don’t see a reason to assume he’s lying.

Didn't you read the 1st para? OP said they did 50/50 parenting , had family meals and all very happy

He knew he liked men long before you split and on some level he would have always known.
You are perfectly right, he has lies and betrayed you and wasted years of your life. If he was straight then maybe the attraction and relationship might not of fizzled out but the fact he’s gay the relationship was always doomed.

Of course your feelings are valid, but you are in probably shocked too. Would you feel different if he was seeing a woman ?
From your OP, he sounds a lovely person, and clearly respected you enough to tell you before telling the kids so that you could give them support if required. Ok, just because he sounds nice doesn't invaldate your reaction nor your thoughts and feelings.
You both need to discuss the potential questions the kids may have and how you want to answer them, try to present a united front, even if you are screaming inside.
No consolation, but you'd be surprised at the number of middle-ti-later-aged lesbians who were previously married with kids. No doubt thei ex's felt the same
Wishing you well

The same attitude therefore must apply to the innumerable women who do exactly the same thing

Yes, I read that.

"all amicable" and "everyone happy" doesn't necessarily mean that OP had a positive experience.

I suspect OP has been low priority throughout, for many years. To the extent that she needs to ask us if it's ok to have feelings for herself.

So, I'm asking this lady if she had a positive experience in her own right.

You'll cope.

Yes… where did I say it didn’t apply to women?!

You didn't, it was just a comment on your attitude, which was quite dogmatic

I'll cope with what?

Oh well… no need to ask then is there. This is about the OP, not you.

You are allowed to feel however you feel. It’s a shock revelation for sure. However a lot of people find their sexuality fluid. He probably didn’t feel gay when he was with you because he genuinely was in love with you at the time.

Of course it’s very confronting for you. And your feelings are valid. However, there is an increasing awareness that sexuality can change over the course of a life. There are larger numbers of women who first identify as lesbian in the second half of their lives. He may have been bisexual when you were married, but bisexuals can be/are faithful to their partner (as are straight people). If you think him to be a good person and you usually trust him, trust that he has told you the full truth.

Disagree. Without even being conscious of doing it, people can jump through all sorts of mental hoops to avoid their sexuality.

My friend went through this 3 years ago with her ex husband. He told her the story that he hadn’t known when he was married to her, thst he’d only recently began to explore etc. That turned out to be a load of bullshit. It became apparent he had known all along and had explored plenty before.

She still feels angry that he made her live a lie and she’s in therapy. The kids took some time away from him at first as it was a shock for them and they wanted to support their mum. Since finding out that he had lied and knew all along, they hardly see him.

Her therapist said it’s common for men to say they didn’t know when they did. Since this happened to my friend, she’s found other women who this has happened too. I’d say brace yourself for more revelations OP.

💐

OP what a shock for you.
I would book myself an appointment for a sexual health test, I'm not sure I would believe he hasn't explored his sexuality while married to you.

It's understandable you feel hurt by this, but I don't believe it means he lied or that your love and life together weren't real. I think sexuality can change for some people. I've always been straight, can honestly say I've never once been attracted to a woman until the last 12 months. I don't know what happened, but somewhere between seperating from my abusive ex and starting peri menopause I've found I'm now attracted to women. I have been wondering if its related to menopause. I loved my XH deeply, there were no lies and no covering up or denying my truth including to myself. My family is accepting and wouldn't GAF if I was gay. I would love an explanation of why this has changed, how this is possible. It's confusing and disconcerting. I don't particularly want to be reassessing my sexuality in my 40s.

Exactly this!

I don’t understand most people commenting. Men (and women) who do this are the lowest of the low.

Women are not disposable items for gay men to use as a beard and/or for children, then discard them when they finally have the guts to come out.

He may not have fully accepted his sexuality when he was married to you, but he’d have known he was repressing something and didn’t confess to you that he may have been questioning things.

Sexuality isn’t just a bad habit or personality trait that you can hide or act like it doesn’t exist, it’s a part of your identity and who you are. It will always come out in the end, no matter how hard you try to repress it.

While things may have been amicable when you split and you may still have a good relationship now, that doesn’t change the fact that he did lie to you for your entire marriage.
He may have loved you, but he couldn’t have ever been in love with you if he’s gay. Being in love with someone includes many factors, but 2 of the main parts are sexual and romantic attraction. Things a gay man can’t feel for a woman.

The way you feel is understandable, OP. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I personally couldn’t forgive this and would want nothing else to do with him, especially considering your children are nearly adults.

I think you’re also in shock just now, but over the next few weeks you’ll probably start to have realisations of hints and indicators that happened throughout your marriage that you missed at the time.

Also, what if they hadn’t split amicably 4 years ago? Would he have divorced her when he ‘realised’ his sexuality or had an affair when he met the man he’s with now?

I would be devastated by this and I can absolutely see why you feel betrayed and lied to. Be kind to yourself.
I would probably think less of him tbh for not knowing this earlier in his life and for making the choices he made which have impacted everyone.

I think this will be massive for the kids. I would ask him to wait longer and not make any introductions yet. I think he is underestimating how much of an impact this will have on the children. Do they need to know? I’d be worried he is telling them to validate things for himself tbh. And I probably would trust his decision making less so than I might have previously as I think it’s a big thing to have revealed that he had no idea of before. Best of luck op be kind to yourself xo