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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExDH came out as gay

216 replies

Hostageslikethis · 18/06/2024 01:30

Hi, not too sure why I'm posting but I don't feel I can say anything to friends yet.

DH and I met at 18 and 21, married at 22 and 25, then 8 years later had 2 boys who are now 14 and 16. We divorced 4 years ago, the chemistry was gone, we weren't happy. It was all very amicable, we still spend Christmas/The kids birthdays/mothers & fathers day together, there is no bad blood. We do week on/week off with the kids so it is truly 50/50, everyone is happy.

On Sunday I took him out for a fathers day meal with the boys, his week to have the boys so I dropped them off, he invited me in for a coffee. The alternative was going home alone to an empty house so I was grateful for the offer.

He then told me he needs to tell me something before he tells the boys and that news is that he is Gay, he has been in a relationship with a man since November. If I'm honest I cried!
I don't want him back, but I'm devastated, I feel lied to. He swears he didn't really know as he had never allowed himself to explore that side of himself out of shame. He claims he was attracted to me but doesn't feel like he is currently bisexual and feels gay fits better.
He told me the man he is seeing was also married to a woman, now a widower, has a 15 year old DD who he is going to tell soon too and they want to meet each others kids/introduce the kids to each other if they are ok with it.

I came home and I can't help but feel betrayed, lied to. I don't know how the boys will react.

Any advice? AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
dunkdemunder · 18/06/2024 18:00

PandaRice · 18/06/2024 02:30

He knew he liked men long before you split and on some level he would have always known.
You are perfectly right, he has lies and betrayed you and wasted years of your life. If he was straight then maybe the attraction and relationship might not of fizzled out but the fact he’s gay the relationship was always doomed.

Incredible how you know all this about a man you don't know 🙄

dunkdemunder · 18/06/2024 18:04

@Moro93

Have you not read the post by @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness ?

Stop assuming you are an all knowing sage.

dunkdemunder · 18/06/2024 18:05

babyproblems · 18/06/2024 05:22

I would be devastated by this and I can absolutely see why you feel betrayed and lied to. Be kind to yourself.
I would probably think less of him tbh for not knowing this earlier in his life and for making the choices he made which have impacted everyone.

I think this will be massive for the kids. I would ask him to wait longer and not make any introductions yet. I think he is underestimating how much of an impact this will have on the children. Do they need to know? I’d be worried he is telling them to validate things for himself tbh. And I probably would trust his decision making less so than I might have previously as I think it’s a big thing to have revealed that he had no idea of before. Best of luck op be kind to yourself xo

Huh? You would think less of him for not knowing?

How does that work? If someone doesn't know why would you judge them for it?

Moro93 · 18/06/2024 18:07

dunkdemunder · 18/06/2024 18:04

@Moro93

Have you not read the post by @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness ?

Stop assuming you are an all knowing sage.

@dunkdemunder Wtf are you on about?

CaribouCarafe · 18/06/2024 18:07

I hadn't realised how ignorant people can be until I opened this thread... thank goodness OP is a kind and empathetic person and that the hateful bile helped her understand her own position better.

It's fucking irrelevant to my DH if I've had attractions to other women, just as it would be useless to tell him that now and again I find other men attractive. There's nothing for him to gain from that information. All he needs to know is that I love him and that I am committed to him.

I suspect that OP's husband did love her and was fully committed to her during their (long) marriage. They naturally split up, he then pursued a relationship with another woman. He met a man and fell in love. The pieces clicked together about his sexuality and how heteronormative societal expectations had led him to marry young without realising that he was gay.

OP has not lost anything. She had a healthy and loving marriage that ended, like many marriages do. She could have been in an unhappy short marriage with a 100% straight man and been arguably worse off.

OP's children sound like they're well adjusted following the divorce, largely because OP and her ex are able to coparent effectively. I doubt that finding out their father is gay will be particularly earth shattering to them in this day and age

Moro93 · 18/06/2024 18:08

dunkdemunder · 18/06/2024 18:05

Huh? You would think less of him for not knowing?

How does that work? If someone doesn't know why would you judge them for it?

Show quote history

I would think of less of someone for not knowing. For one, I wouldn’t believe they didn’t know. But if they didn’t, imagine having the lack of self awareness to not know which gender gets you going.

dunkdemunder · 18/06/2024 18:08

Soontobe60 · 18/06/2024 06:25

I find it very odd, and actually homophobic, to suggest that one’s sexuality is ‘fluid’. Sexuality is innate. I’ve never come across someone who has always said they are gay who suddenly decides they are actually straight when they hit their 40s. Internalised homophobia is an actual thing, sadly as a result of ignorance and lack of acceptance of homosexuality.
OP, your dh will always have been at least gay, if not bisexual. And he would have known. But he may not have been able to openly admit it, and have done his best to suppress it, which is very sad. It will have taken a lot for him to come out to you.

So the women who discover their attraction to other women later in life were all deluding themselves?

It is amazing that you know so much about other people. More than they know themselves. Quite remarkable aren't you.

Foxblue · 18/06/2024 18:13

PandaRice · 18/06/2024 15:47

You don’t have to agree… but you don’t just wake up 20 years later with no idea you fancy and want to shag men. It’s always there.

Show quote history

Why are you deliberately ignoring people on this thread who know much, much, much more about this topic than you. Yes, you can.

PandaRice · 18/06/2024 18:18

Foxblue · 18/06/2024 18:13

Why are you deliberately ignoring people on this thread who know much, much, much more about this topic than you. Yes, you can.

Show quote history

How do you know these people know much much much more then me? Or are you making that up?

dunkdemunder · 18/06/2024 18:18

Hostageslikethis · 18/06/2024 08:50

Oh goodness, only just getting to read replies and wow there is some homophobia here.

I should clarify that while I feel lied to and betrayed, I don't think either of these things are actually true. We met in the 90's, it certainly wasn't as acceptable to be gay then as it was now, I believe him when he tells me he didn't allow himself to explore that side. If he was lying to anyone it was himself. He dated a woman for a year after we divorced (kids never met her), so I think he is being honest when he tells me he is only realising and coming to terms with this now.

For those insinuating he must have cheated, grow up! I truly believe he never cheated, we spent all our time together! What a homophobic rhetoric to push, in fact these comments have helped as now instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'm more worried about the hidden homophobia he will deal with!

I'm happy for him to tell the boys when he feels ready, unlike some here, my children aren't homophobic and while I'm sure they will have feelings, I don't think it will impact their relationship with their dad, If either of my boys wanted to cut contact or reduce contact as a result of him being in a relationship with a man I'd be ashamed.

I guess the question in my OP was more AIBU to feel lied to when clearly that isn't really the case as it is entirely possible that we met so young and he felt so much internal shame that he didn't even acknowledge that he really didn't know and therefor wasn't lying.

I don't want an homophobia on this thread, please remember you are directing a homophobic rhetoric at someone I loved for a very long time and the father of my children - that is a person who shouldn't be subjected to your outdated views and subconscious biases.

I love what you've written. You both sound like good solid people.

Your dc are likely equally decent people being raised by the two of you.

dunkdemunder · 18/06/2024 18:19

@PandaRice

How do you know these people know much much much more then me? Or are you making that up?
BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.
Duh

Foxblue · 18/06/2024 18:23

PandaRice · 18/06/2024 18:18

How do you know these people know much much much more then me? Or are you making that up?

Show quote history

Totally true - I don't know for certain other than they are saying it happened that way with them or others they know.
Just like you don't know what you are saying is true either though, right?

PandaRice · 18/06/2024 18:24

dunkdemunder · 18/06/2024 18:19

@PandaRice

How do you know these people know much much much more then me? Or are you making that up?
BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.
Duh

Well no shit Sherlock but I’m talking about all the people I know which as far as I’m aware I’m allowed to share my opinion even if you don’t agree.
DUH.

BeRealOrca · 18/06/2024 21:08

There is a smiliar thread where a woman has come out to her DH as Bi. 80% on MN replies are "why would you say that to him unless you were thinking of or already had slept with a woman". Hardly any posters have given her a hard time about getting into the relationship in the first place, or accuse her of lying throughout the relationship, or giving support for being honest. Food for thought.

Sue152 · 18/06/2024 21:30

I mean mine knew he was more sexually attracted to men from being a teenager, was trying to cheat all through our marriage and never said anything until 25 years later. I was lied to and betrayed and my marriage was a sham - but you feel strongly that your situation is different which it of course may be. But I have a problem with all the people pretending this doesn't happen and that women aren't used in this way, not to mention those that seem to think it's fine for men to use women for years and years on end while they try to work themselves out.

Famfirst · 18/06/2024 21:32

Good for him. Be supportive and I'm sure your boys will be happy for him. It's great news, he gets to be happy and it's nothing to do with you anyway.

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