ExDH came out as gay

[Hostageslikethis]

Hi, not too sure why I'm posting but I don't feel I can say anything to friends yet.

DH and I met at 18 and 21, married at 22 and 25, then 8 years later had 2 boys who are now 14 and 16. We divorced 4 years ago, the chemistry was gone, we weren't happy. It was all very amicable, we still spend Christmas/The kids birthdays/mothers & fathers day together, there is no bad blood. We do week on/week off with the kids so it is truly 50/50, everyone is happy.

On Sunday I took him out for a fathers day meal with the boys, his week to have the boys so I dropped them off, he invited me in for a coffee. The alternative was going home alone to an empty house so I was grateful for the offer.

He then told me he needs to tell me something before he tells the boys and that news is that he is Gay, he has been in a relationship with a man since November. If I'm honest I cried!
I don't want him back, but I'm devastated, I feel lied to. He swears he didn't really know as he had never allowed himself to explore that side of himself out of shame. He claims he was attracted to me but doesn't feel like he is currently bisexual and feels gay fits better.
He told me the man he is seeing was also married to a woman, now a widower, has a 15 year old DD who he is going to tell soon too and they want to meet each others kids/introduce the kids to each other if they are ok with it.

I came home and I can't help but feel betrayed, lied to. I don't know how the boys will react.

Any advice? AIBU to feel like this?

I’d be absolutely furious and it is a lie. And devastated, anyone who says otherwise, isn’t being realistic, or honest.

I suspect I will get this one day too. I have suspicions.

It’s like the other non-lie, when he forgot to tell me about the first child he had with someone when he was 17.

Especially when I had asked if there were any children lurking about that I didn’t know about.

I’m in a same sex relationship and would consider myself to be gay.

However, when I was a young adult, I had a long term relationship with a man. I would’ve married him if he’d asked and he was the one who ended it. I loved him with all my heart and was devastated when he left me.

It was only when I started dating again following that and realised I just wasn’t attracted to any of the men I met, I decided to ‘switch sides’. I can’t imagine being with a man now.

However, this doesn’t change the fact that I absolutely adored that man.

I can understand that you would be upset by all this but based on my experience, it doesn’t mean he lied to you. I think it’s a spectrum. I had inklings I was attracted to women as a teenager but my relationship with him was real. Over time, as an adult, it’s morphed into me preferring to be with women.

Well I am attracted to women also but it doesn't mean I'm not happy and fulfilled in my marriage. If something changed and we decided to part I may end up with a woman as a partner next time but that doesn't mean I don't love my husband or wasted his years. It could be that now he's on his own he's noticed another aspect to his sexuality and fell for a man. Whether he's gay or bi is another thing but sometimes we don't need to put such strict labels on these things

Wait until you read any of the threads on here that discuss bisexuality - people will spout the most horrific stereotypes and ignore any actual bisexual or gay people walking them through why they aren't true (normally much more politely than the spirit in which the original comments are made)
Yes, there are people out there who hide it for their whole lives - but there are also many people who come to it later (as kindly explained by others onto his thread) I have met several myself. I have also known people who have dabbled in same sex attraction when younger, but genuinely thought it was just normal to experiment and would never have described themselves as bisexual or gay. I don't think it's fair to accuse these people of actively lying to those they love.

OP, I can see that this is a huge shock for you and you are totally entitled to feel all sorts of emotions about this. Give yourself some time - it's great things have been so amicable but maybe its a good idea to keep your distance for a bit while you process. I notice in your OP you made specific mention of going back to an empty house, and im wondering how you are doing personally otherwise - if you are a little lonely currently I can also see how the idea of someone you are still spending a lot of time with moving on with a new partner may bring up some uncomfortable feelings, even if they have nothing to do with your feelings towards the other person. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process this. Is there anyone you could talk to in the meantime, when you are ready?

Not just this, as with any type of adulterous relationship, tests will need to be done to check for STDs etc.
Nowhere has the OP said there there was an adulterous relationship. Your prejudice is showing.

So kids now can’t cope with meeting a new partner until they have finished school? Wtf? Absolutely no way you’d get that if he had a new girlfriend. Unless you mean finish school for the summer in which case okay 🤷‍♀️. But no you don’t need to hide a gay relationship until your kids are 18.

@GaryLurcher19 your realise happiness = positivity right? Bloody weird.

Of course you feel hurt and lied to OP Can you cut contact with him back while you come to terms with things? Not with your boys, just the amount of contact you have with him.

The homophobia in this thread is embarrassing! Another one chiming in to say my sexuality has changed as I’ve aged- I’ve always been bisexual, but I find I’m mainly attracted to women now. If I broke up with my male partner, I’d want to date women exclusively.

I would suggest therapy OP, and an STD test, because it's better to be safe than sorry.

I imagine the biggest hurdle for you is coming to terms with the fact that your marriage would never have worked and you've lost your chance of having a long marriage, kids and joint parenting with a man who you can grow old with and would truly love you.

You say that your plans were to head back to your lonely home, which indicates you've not found a new partner to share your life with and you may feel that you "wasted" your best years in a relationship built on quick sand, it was all going to come tumbling down at some point and there was nothing you could do to prevent that.

To an extent, that's true. However, you did get children who I'm sure you love immensely from this marriage and any other relationship would have changed that. There's also no guarantee that a different marriage would have ended any better, you could be a different man's widow for example.

You're going to have a lot of feelings and it's best to discuss these with a professional so you don't disappear down a rabbit hole of "what ifs".

This is a big thing to come to terms with, so allow yourself some time to process it all and do get support.

ExH number 1 also confessed to being gay not long after we married. I'll admit that I felt used at first but I also felt a little comfort in the fact that it was not a reflection of how he felt about me. I had done nothing wrong and there were no thoughts of "what if I had done this, that or whatever", because nothing would make any difference to keep him with me. ExH number 2 leaving me for OW was, to me at least, far, far worse.

Oh goodness, only just getting to read replies and wow there is some homophobia here.

I should clarify that while I feel lied to and betrayed, I don't think either of these things are actually true. We met in the 90's, it certainly wasn't as acceptable to be gay then as it was now, I believe him when he tells me he didn't allow himself to explore that side. If he was lying to anyone it was himself. He dated a woman for a year after we divorced (kids never met her), so I think he is being honest when he tells me he is only realising and coming to terms with this now.

For those insinuating he must have cheated, grow up! I truly believe he never cheated, we spent all our time together! What a homophobic rhetoric to push, in fact these comments have helped as now instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'm more worried about the hidden homophobia he will deal with!

I'm happy for him to tell the boys when he feels ready, unlike some here, my children aren't homophobic and while I'm sure they will have feelings, I don't think it will impact their relationship with their dad, If either of my boys wanted to cut contact or reduce contact as a result of him being in a relationship with a man I'd be ashamed.

I guess the question in my OP was more AIBU to feel lied to when clearly that isn't really the case as it is entirely possible that we met so young and he felt so much internal shame that he didn't even acknowledge that he really didn't know and therefor wasn't lying.

I don't want an homophobia on this thread, please remember you are directing a homophobic rhetoric at someone I loved for a very long time and the father of my children - that is a person who shouldn't be subjected to your outdated views and subconscious biases.

So he's about 49 now, born in the mid 70s - a teenager during the AIDS crisis. That was a really hard time to be an out young gay or bi man. The shame and blame put on young gay & bi men is hardly believable now. So many men kept that part of them hidden for very good reasons. It wasn't socially acceptable to be gay. Maybe start with trying to have some compassion for the teenage boy he was.

OP you sound like a wonderful compassionate person and your sons are very lucky to have both you and your ex as parents. It’s great that you can support them and hopefully they will have a positive relationship with their dads new partner.

Some of these responses are hateful.

You all need to watch Fellow Travelers, streaming on Paramount+. It is the most phenomenal television I have ever seen. Social history, representation, restorative justice. Enduring love that cannot be denied, in several forms. Great tragedies. A chronicle of the compromises we all make, in any relationship, the betrayals of self and others.

The performances by Jonathan Bailey and Matt Bomer are astonishing. I rarely see such intensity of emotion and raw vulnerability outside a therapy session, nor such layered complexity. I could watch Hawk and Tim forever. Theirs is the most tender, truthful, compelling love story I've ever seen.

It is also the only time I have ever felt the essence of my relationship with my great love captured onscreen (and I am not a gay man).

OP, your ex DH is extremely lucky to have you as your boys' mother. I just wanted to say that.

OP just seen your update and thank you. Because this thread is vile

You can't help how you feel but hold on to the fact you had a long and happy relationship together and now have a friendship with him which will mean your children are growing up supported and cared for without being used as pawns between warring parents and that's very important.

And, I also picked up on the mention of an empty house... maybe it's in part a little jealousy? He's found someone and you're lonely. Maybe try and put yourself out there again and look for a relationship. Your children are older now, make time for you

If she didn't feel the need to get a STD test when they first split then there surely isn't a need to now? Does every heterosexual couple go off and get STD tests when they split having fallen out of love, each saying they didn't cheat? Really?

Obviously very different circumstances as we didn’t have children and were younger but I’ve had a partner tell me post break up that he was gay, it was just very hard to deal with at the time.

Not because I’m homophobic but because I’m a woman, and I had to come to terms with the idea that he could never have truly felt about me the way I’d felt about him, and yes as a PP said the fact that the relationship had been “doomed” from the start without me having that insider info (which he had had, even if not willing to admit it outwardly).

It’s noticeable to me how many of the replies are about the children coping and the ex’s experience etc but very few about the OP’s feelings except to say she’ll feel “shocked”. I’m not the OP obviously but I think she’s likely to have a LOT of feelings to work through after spending nearly her entire adult life in a marriage which wasn’t what she thought it was. And the added complication I think is that she’ll want to support her ex in what may be a tricky period (coming out to friends and family and growing to be more at ease with his sexuality) and even more so the kids, the pressure will be on to put her feelings on the back burner. There are so many films and TV programmes that feature men coming out as gay and the female ex/partner being super supportive and kind (which is great but it’s definitely a thing) and I can think of none where a woman comes out as gay and her partner or husband or ex jumps to being completely fine with it instantly and is her biggest cheerleader. I sometimes wonder whether that’s because women are supposed to just put any uncomfortable feelings to one side if someone else needs their support.

This has turned into a long post but I just want to say to the OP it’s great that you are so supportive of him and the kids but you’ll probably need to take some time to just be at home with your own feelings, perhaps think of questions you have about the past and your marriage and you and your ex sit down and chat them through when the kids aren’t there. He does owe you some time and I think you may feel a lot better if you get this chance. Just gliding on through because “good for him finally coming out!” might mean you’re burying unhappiness or resentment or loss of confidence for yourself later.

You married quite young.

He very likely realised later in life that in fact he was really attracted to men. That does not mean he lied to you or was not committed to you and then your family before that. People coming out later in life, maybe after meeting someone and finally realising and accepting the truth about their sexuality, is not uncommon.

He sounds like a decent guy in the way he is approaching joint parenting and the situation.

Ultimately, you have been divorced for 4 years and you are both free to have relationships with other people.

I am sure you accept that him finding a new partner would happen sooner or later?

In this case his new partner happens to be a man.

You also need to teach your kids that not being straight is nothing to be ashamed about rather than making a big deal of it.

I'm bisexual and it's so badly misunderstood. The comments on this thread are why a lot of people don't come to terms with big parts of their sexual orientation. There is still a lot of shaming in society for anything not heterosexual.

It's perfectly possible that he hasn't lied and that he didn't know. There is a big difference between gay men who knew as teenagers and have lived their lives surrounded by other gay men and men who haven't had the opportunity for that part of themself to be awakened. Your feelings are valid but they might not be fully based in reality.

Agree with this. Not sure why so many people are brushing aside the ops feelings. There is no way that this man never once thought he might be gay when they were together so he is a liar.

I agree with this

I’m not sure I’d put someone who is having an affair with a married person in the “decent man” category.

I also think that he should focus less on identifying as gay when speaking to the kids and more on being in love with a man. Not because there is anything wrong with being gay, but because the general discourse now is that we are born with our sexuality, and they might feel (like you do) like he was deceiving them.

It's also a really horrible feeling when an ex moves on and finds happiness with a new partner when we haven't yet ourselves