ExDH came out as gay

[Hostageslikethis]

Hi, not too sure why I'm posting but I don't feel I can say anything to friends yet.

DH and I met at 18 and 21, married at 22 and 25, then 8 years later had 2 boys who are now 14 and 16. We divorced 4 years ago, the chemistry was gone, we weren't happy. It was all very amicable, we still spend Christmas/The kids birthdays/mothers & fathers day together, there is no bad blood. We do week on/week off with the kids so it is truly 50/50, everyone is happy.

On Sunday I took him out for a fathers day meal with the boys, his week to have the boys so I dropped them off, he invited me in for a coffee. The alternative was going home alone to an empty house so I was grateful for the offer.

He then told me he needs to tell me something before he tells the boys and that news is that he is Gay, he has been in a relationship with a man since November. If I'm honest I cried!
I don't want him back, but I'm devastated, I feel lied to. He swears he didn't really know as he had never allowed himself to explore that side of himself out of shame. He claims he was attracted to me but doesn't feel like he is currently bisexual and feels gay fits better.
He told me the man he is seeing was also married to a woman, now a widower, has a 15 year old DD who he is going to tell soon too and they want to meet each others kids/introduce the kids to each other if they are ok with it.

I came home and I can't help but feel betrayed, lied to. I don't know how the boys will react.

Any advice? AIBU to feel like this?

Poor you. You are in shock. You have been lied to and that will hurt. He will have known, or he at least will have known something wasn't quite right.

It must have been a shock. I would wait until you’ve had a chance to process a bit then have a long conversation about telling the children (how best to do it etc). This happened to my friend and it somehow got out at school and her youngest child was picked on. The school were supportive anbd both children ended up having counselling. Obviously this won’t necessarily happen but worth thinking through some worst case scenarios maybe. Do you know anything about the new partner? They or the dad could be the target of some strong emotions so worth being extra sure.

My friend also went through a massive confidence crisis and felt her marriage had been a lie. She is now very happy with a new partner.

Well yes, if he ever wants to introduce his partner which he’ll be entitled to do as would a woman.

Not just this, as with any type of adulterous relationship, tests will need to be done to check for STDs etc. OP’s ex probably knew but chose not to admit it. It’s one thing saying that a person is bi, but to be adamant that that they’re gay shows that deep down they knew but perhaps buried it and either intentionally or unintentionally lied.

Lots of prejudiced veiled homophobic comments on here. No, a lot of people genuinely do not know they are gay until later on. It may not have been anything that has occurred to them or they fell in love with a person, regardless of their sex. Maybe they did feel something wasn’t right but that doesn’t mean it was a calculated lie. People on here are saying that women and men do this are the lowest of the low and questioning whether the kids ever need to know as it will be so “hard” for them to deal with. You wouldn’t bat an eyelid if it was a new female partner.
This guy seems emotionally mature, a good parent and he didn’t cheat on the OP. It doesn’t matter whether his new partner is male or female, he is entitled to move on and he is entitled for his kids to know his partner and his partner’s DD.

If you are happily split now, then why not try to see the good side of this. If he has found a nice new partner of either sex then it can only be a positive. It doesn’t mean he has always been lying to you. But if he was, he was obviously lying to himself at the same time and that was an unhealthy way to live. Discovery his true sexuality now must be liberating and it is good that he has been honest with you. Hopefully your kids will be open minded when they find out too as young people are much more accepting of fluid sexuality these days. Once you have got over the shock, I hope you like his partner and you can all become friends.

Such an unhelpful answer. This man lived with something he found enormously difficult for years and tried desperately not to be the person he suspected, very deep down, he really was. He evidently cares deeply for OP. Reducing his behaviour to lying and wasting OPs time feels most harsh when what he was really doing was simply trying to live the life he thought he SHOULD live.

I find it very odd, and actually homophobic, to suggest that one’s sexuality is ‘fluid’. Sexuality is innate. I’ve never come across someone who has always said they are gay who suddenly decides they are actually straight when they hit their 40s. Internalised homophobia is an actual thing, sadly as a result of ignorance and lack of acceptance of homosexuality.
OP, your dh will always have been at least gay, if not bisexual. And he would have known. But he may not have been able to openly admit it, and have done his best to suppress it, which is very sad. It will have taken a lot for him to come out to you.

I really disagree with this. There are plenty of people who come out later in life after happy, positive fulfilling straight relationships. Plenty of people that just out of the blue fall in love with someone the same sex (it happened to my sister amongst others in my circle).

My sister didn't lie, she didn't know and her marriage break up was for completely different reasons (the usual, men being emotionally distant and neglectful and financially abusive)

And the comments in here that insinuate the children will be devastated are totally homophobic. My sisters kids are absolutely fine, actually better than fine; thriving with another adult in their lives who is consistent, supportive, kind and fun. But then we always raised my nieces to know that gay relationships existed and were literally no big deal.

Well that’s a really bad comparison because we don’t live in a society where we always presume people are gay, ram homosexuality down people’s throats at every minute, discriminate against people if they are not gay. So it would be pretty unlikely that someone who came out as gay switched to being straight because they obviously felt their sexuality strongly and went against society’s norms and came out. But there are LOTS who grew up in a homophobic world, were always taught it was normal to be attracted to the opposite sex and that they should meet a man/woman and get married because that’s what everyone does. They might feel that something is ‘off’ but it is entirely plausible that they don’t know what that is and that they have never considered the possibility of them being gay.

Also, FYI, I do know people who have been in same sex relationships and then get into an opposite sex one. So it’s not unheard of at all and how you label yourself at any given moment in time isn’t really relevant.

100%. It should be no more devastating for the kids to meet dad’s new male partner than his female one and they will be fine. Mainly because unlike some posters, we don’t live in the 1980s.

Well said

You are allowed to feel however you feel - you process it however you need to.

However, he sounds like a great man and co-parent, you were very young when you got together and he won’t have known that he was gay then, or it’s extremely u likely anyway. Many people don’t realise that they’re gay until much later in life. It doesn’t mean that he lied to you or betrayed you. Hopefully when you’ve processed it, it won’t change anything between the four of you. It may not be as big for the kids as you’d imagine. It will certainly be big news for them but kids are so much more open to different types of relationship and sexuality these days - they may take the change very well. Of course, they may not and may need some extra support from you. But all in all it sounds like your ex is a good man who is dealing with this sensitively. Problems that could arise are more likely to be the general problems that occur when one parent is dating someone and they and their children are introduced, regardless of sexuality.

No wonder you are feeling sad. What a shock.
Your ex is being honest now however I also think he is being a bit selfish in wanting to play happy families with the kids..
His new life is working out for him, that is good. My focus would be all three children - you, of course, your boys.
Are your children at a secure enough age to cope with the shock?
I would choose for your kids to only have to cope with the divorce until they have finished school.
Meeting Mum or Dad's new friends is unthreatening but meeting new partners, male or female (and to have their father turning gay), no way.
I would leave the new sex life for the adults to absorb for a while yet. I am super conscious of unsettling teenagers though.

Friends of ours are mid 50s.
Both were married to women and both had two sons.
Both marriages broke up about 8 years ago.
These two men met, and are now happily married. One is a grandad.
The son's of the original marriages are accepting and supportive of their relationship.
It doesn't have to have a poor outcome.

Exactly this

So because he's now gay, he must be carrying some form of STD?

I'm bisexual, but had a period of around 5 years after my children were born where I genuinely was not attracted to women, which was very disconcerting (fortunately, DH is a man). I know lots of other people who have experienced changes in patterns of attraction over the course of their lives, particularly at times of hormonal change. And also several woman who have married the only ever man/woman they've ever been attracted to.

Would you say the same to a heterosexual couple who had split, and 4 years later the man had a new female partner?
No, of course you wouldn't.
Your original comment was incredibly homophobic.

Some of these comments are awful 😳

I think it's totally natural to be blindsided by something like this, but people calling him a liar and a cheat and saying he must be riddled with STD's - do you realise (or care) how homophobic you all sound?

I know 2 people who were in long term relationships with women and have since come out as gay. They are both in contact with exes and are on good terms. Both are now married in stable long term same sex relationships. No kids involved but the point is simply that some people take a while to find who they are in the sexual journey. And remember when OP ex was younger there was a lot less norm about being gay too.
He has approached this sensitively, tried to discuss with OP first. I think he's been fairly open on this. So OP you have every right to feel shocked, it is a shock. But it doesn't have to be bad long term. You may want to discuss in some form of talk therapy but ultimately there's not much else you can do.

I move around in the scene a bit and have never known a man not know he was gay. To be crude, they know what turns them on when they go through the frantic wanking stages of life. They definitely might suppress it because of homophobic family or just having an easier life, but they usually know.

Women on the other hand tend to sometimes ignore their own sexuality, like ignoring that they don't have orgasms with men, often blaming themselves. I think it's more understandable that they might not figure out they are gay until later on in life.

The outcome will, in all likelihood, be very good.
As long as Dad's relationship is stable, respectful and long term.

But, while the kids are teenagers I would not risk them having to deal with any new partners and the risk of having to go through supporting their parent through more breakups etc. at the same time as finishing school, forming their own adult persona and growing into their adult body and brain and launching their independent lives.

It could be too much of an overload.

In reality just having Mum and Dad sitting around the same Christmas table as separate individuals is a lot to process.
Teenagers need no excuse to not be needy of their parents attention, wisdom and resources. They are allowed to take centre stage.

Wow. Just when I think we're in 2024 and things have changed, I come across a thread like this.

OP, I'm not referring to you as you feel how you feel but the posters who have suggested STI checks. Outrageous.

You've had some great advice on here. Wishing you all the best