ExDH came out as gay

[Hostageslikethis]

Hi, not too sure why I'm posting but I don't feel I can say anything to friends yet.

DH and I met at 18 and 21, married at 22 and 25, then 8 years later had 2 boys who are now 14 and 16. We divorced 4 years ago, the chemistry was gone, we weren't happy. It was all very amicable, we still spend Christmas/The kids birthdays/mothers & fathers day together, there is no bad blood. We do week on/week off with the kids so it is truly 50/50, everyone is happy.

On Sunday I took him out for a fathers day meal with the boys, his week to have the boys so I dropped them off, he invited me in for a coffee. The alternative was going home alone to an empty house so I was grateful for the offer.

He then told me he needs to tell me something before he tells the boys and that news is that he is Gay, he has been in a relationship with a man since November. If I'm honest I cried!
I don't want him back, but I'm devastated, I feel lied to. He swears he didn't really know as he had never allowed himself to explore that side of himself out of shame. He claims he was attracted to me but doesn't feel like he is currently bisexual and feels gay fits better.
He told me the man he is seeing was also married to a woman, now a widower, has a 15 year old DD who he is going to tell soon too and they want to meet each others kids/introduce the kids to each other if they are ok with it.

I came home and I can't help but feel betrayed, lied to. I don't know how the boys will react.

Any advice? AIBU to feel like this?

I fully agree with you. 99.9% of gay men who come out later in life after being with a woman admit that they knew or suspected they were gay, pushed their feelings down, lied to themselves etc. Why is it ok to do that to another person? It’s incredibly selfish and will create huge trust issues when the woman tries to have relationships in future.

I am not homophobic at all btw. I’m bisexual myself. People aren’t homophobic for thinking this isn’t ok. I have a close family member who done this to a woman. He knew he was gay, was cheating on her with men, used her to have children, gaslit her and made her think she was crazy if she questioned him. It’s disgusting.

Maybe if men who used women, then come out later as gay weren’t given sympathy and celebrated there wouldn’t be so many who think it’s fine to do it…

Having an incline and knowing are not the same.

Ok here is what I think.
Your ex met you , loved you and had a goid life as a husband and father.
You got divorced.
He met someone else and had a relationship. She was female.
He met someone a man, they found something together.
I don't think he lied to you about your life as a married couple.
I think it is just a case of this time it is a man.

OP, you sound fabulous.

I was the one who came out in my late thirties having been married to a man and had children.

From my experience, you’re definitely right that if he was lying to anyone it was himself. I convinced myself that because I did love my husband, that would be enough. It wasn’t his fault that it wasn’t and I certainly didn’t set out to deceive him. I still love him (platonically) and respect him. He is my children’s dad and my friend.

I got a very bad reaction from family when I came out in my teens (or tried to). This was in the nineties. It led to me heading straight back into the closet and bolting the door. It led to a lifetime of shame and self delusion.

I want to point out to all the people here saying they will have known etc that we were literally not allowed to be taught about people being gay while we were at school! It is not the same as a gay person realising later in life that they are straight.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_28#:~:text=Section%2028%20or%20Clause%2028,2003%20in%20England%20and%20Wales.

My children have not batted an eyelid at learning that I am a lesbian. It was literally ‘oh, right. What’s for tea?’

I think you answered yourself in the strength of your support here in your 2nd post. I am sure with your support your children will be fine as you are still supporting exh and they will see you still friends which makes it OK for them to accept. Your exh is lucky to have you in his life and I am sure he knows this

On mumsnet there is a narrative that noone is homophobic any more so there is nothing to fear from admitting you are gay. But attacks like the recent one on a teenager In Scotland where he was tied to a chair and threatened with sticks shows that is not true.

Where do those statistics come from, out of interest?

I’ve never come across someone who has always said they are gay who suddenly decides they are actually straight when they hit their 40s

Because most of the time, heterosexuality is still the default assumption. Being gay doesn’t have the stigma it once did (although sadly this is a far from universal truth), but it’s still different from the “norm”, and people who come out as gay are typically going to be very, very sure of it before they do.

By contrast, no one ever comes out as straight, because society assumes you are until told otherwise. Therefore people who seem straight to the outside world, but are internally questioning that, are far more likely to go through confusion in private and only feel at ease to come out later. People who have the confidence and conviction to come out as gay much earlier in life are doing it because they’re damn sure; sure they can face declaring they’re different with the accompanying difficulties too.

Heteronormativity is a massive issue for gay and bisexual people, as is feeling outside the norm in general. If you look at asexuality, a significant number of people who eventually realise they are asexual have homosexual relationships before reaching this point - because society’s default position is that we all have sexual and romantic desires. Therefore the initial conclusion is that the lack of interest in the opposite sex must indicate an attraction to the same sex instead.

Yes and I agree this is the narrative to say to the children.

Pp have said 'don't say gay' is homophobia, but if the children were conceived in a lesbian relationship and they'd always known both mums as lesbians it might also be weird for them if when they were teens one mum started saying 'I'm a straight woman! I identify as straight' and make them wonder if the relationship that had produced them was a lie. I would also advise them to focus on 'who I'm in love with and want you to meet'

Sexuality is fluid for many people! There is plenty of data that backs this up. Plus, yes internalised homophobia does mean that lots of people suppress their sexuality. It is not uncommon for people to be so adept that they do not recognise their sexuality consciously at all.

He may well not have known. He may well have loved op. He may just have been unable to recognise the difference between deep platonic feelings and erotic love. He may have felt desire for op, or he might not.

This man is an individual and you have no idea of what happened for him, or how he experienced things. It is not right to just state opinion as fact. Noone knows!

I had a boyfriend who while we were dating, knew that he was probably gay. However, we had amazing chemistry and the most thrilling sex life. I knew I wasn't going to have him forever but it still hurt terribly when we broke up. The silver lining for me in him being exclusively gay now, is that I was his one girlfriend. I like not being jealous of another girl being with him because I simply can't compete in the male category.
I wonder if you could reframe it in that way, that your connection wasn't a common thing, but rather miraculous, not a lie. And perhaps the hurt you feel is partly him moving on.

"there is an automatic assumption with a lot of people that gay people are deceptive and always hiding something.
there is no proof the relationship was 'fundamentally dishonest'. some people just wake up one day and realise they're gay, in the same way some people realise they need a new job, or don't love their partner"

Sorry, but I just don't believe a person wakes up one day and realises they're gay - not when they are old enough to have been married and the parent of two teenagers. Sexuality is absolutely more fundamental than realising you need a new job!

It's also not an automatic assumption about gay people being deceptive - it's about this particular individual and what he may have been deceptive about.
He has said that he's not bisexual, definitely gay, so it's also not comparable to the situations of bisexual posters on this thread who have concluded that they now lean more towards dating one sex than the other.

Now I don't know him so I can't say whether he has been deliberately deceptive - maybe he is that rare person who utterly suppressed that knowledge from themselves. But it is my view that most people know who they are sexually attracted to and if a person enters a marriage, they do have a duty to disclose any information which might affect that marriage.

I don't think it's homophobic to view this new relationship as different to him meeting a female partner, since it could raise feelings in the children that their parents marriage was built on dishonesty, deliberate or not.

I don't think you can expect kids to be as relaxed about a new male partner as they would a female one, since the kids may also encounter homophobia amongst their own school friends.

There's a massive difference between "I know I am gay, I don't love this woman, I'm sleeping with men at the same time as using her for babies"
And
"I might be attracted to men as well, maybe I'm bisexual? I'm not sure but I know I love this woman and I'm dedicated to her and my children and won't go seeking other relationship whilst married"

And OP's Ex appears to be the 2nd!

I have a close family member who done this to a woman. He knew he was gay, was cheating on her with men, used her to have children, gaslit her and made her think she was crazy if she questioned him. It’s disgusting.

I think you are doing a lot of projecting here. None of this is representative of what the OP is going through from what she has said.

Having an inclining, a nagging doubt, a feeling is very different from knowing and acting on it while married-neither of which the DH did.

And he has done the right thing by confiding in the OP before telling the children

Even if he did think it, is he not entitled to keep those thoughts private? Especially if he loved op. Why would he through a grenade into a marriage for thoughts which may have been fleeting (if he even had them!). You have no idea whether he lied or not, other than your own prejudice.

but what you're doing is minimising and ignoring the real experiences of people on this thread who have had this experience.
it struck me like lightning one day. just suddenly i realised 'bloody hell i'm a lesbian'.
i didn't know. i didn't consider myself bisexual before. i woke up one day and it was like everything suddenly made sense.
this isn't a rare event, there are many many gay people online who have discussed these exact experiences

Sorry, but I just don't believe a person wakes up one day and realises they're gay

Just because you haven't experienced this, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Many people on this thread have said just that. This would be like saying you don't believe people live in famine as you have a full fridge!

Exactly! Those feelings existing didn’t mean he planned to act upon them - just as heterosexual people are often attracted to people other than their partner, but don’t cheat.

Oh what a shock op. I also don't think your marriage was a lie or that he lied. He probably lived like so many others, who felt shamed into being silent or fitting the traditional husband role. I think he sounds decent as he told you first and had the respect for you to do so.

Maybe if society was not so heteronormative, people would be free to actually connect with their authentic sexuality earlier and not be groomed into a total lack of understanding of themselves.

Some people might genuinely choose to deceive, but many others simply do not understand themselves at all. Noone on the outside can have any clue what the situation is.

Wow, who knew so many MNs were so homophobic and sexist. I have seen many threads on MN where women have turned lesbaian and I have never seen a poster say to a man "you best get an STI test if she's been sleeping around with women". Disgusting behaviour.

Ignore the arseholes on here. It's not like he was leading a double life. You have an amicable relationship with no cheating involved and he had previously had a relationship with a woman post divorce.He now realises he's gay and there should be no shame in that all. You sound like a lovely person as does your exdh. I wish you both the best.

Do you think you’re funny? Because you’re actually very offensive. You’re trying to make a joke out of someone’s sexuality and it’s pathetic. It’s the same as making fun out of someone’s race.

OP, it sounds like you have a great relationship with your ex. This must be a massive shock for you but he’s gone about it the right way and has been respectful. You believe he was faithful during your marriage and that’s what it’s important- you had a loving relationship, children and you must have known that he found you attractive. Even if he did have an attraction to men then which he suppressed, so what, for want of a better phrase. He loved you and wanted you. What he is saying though, about only just realising, is really common. I think once you have got over the shock of it, you will be in the best place to support your kids. The homophobes on your thread would have you believe that your kids won’t cope but thankfully the new generation is a lot more open minded than that- they will be fine!