ExDH came out as gay

[Hostageslikethis]

Hi, not too sure why I'm posting but I don't feel I can say anything to friends yet.

DH and I met at 18 and 21, married at 22 and 25, then 8 years later had 2 boys who are now 14 and 16. We divorced 4 years ago, the chemistry was gone, we weren't happy. It was all very amicable, we still spend Christmas/The kids birthdays/mothers & fathers day together, there is no bad blood. We do week on/week off with the kids so it is truly 50/50, everyone is happy.

On Sunday I took him out for a fathers day meal with the boys, his week to have the boys so I dropped them off, he invited me in for a coffee. The alternative was going home alone to an empty house so I was grateful for the offer.

He then told me he needs to tell me something before he tells the boys and that news is that he is Gay, he has been in a relationship with a man since November. If I'm honest I cried!
I don't want him back, but I'm devastated, I feel lied to. He swears he didn't really know as he had never allowed himself to explore that side of himself out of shame. He claims he was attracted to me but doesn't feel like he is currently bisexual and feels gay fits better.
He told me the man he is seeing was also married to a woman, now a widower, has a 15 year old DD who he is going to tell soon too and they want to meet each others kids/introduce the kids to each other if they are ok with it.

I came home and I can't help but feel betrayed, lied to. I don't know how the boys will react.

Any advice? AIBU to feel like this?

Appalling post. “Do they need to know”? Don’t you think enough trouble has been caused already?

No one is having an affair? What are you on about!

I understand why you feel betrayed but this isn’t something personal against you. It sounds like he still respects you very much.

If I explain my situation. I was with a man for 8 years. We broke up and I realised I was gay. I loved him and we had lovely times together. In no way did my sexuality detract from our relationship, I was never pretending. I loved him. However, I have since realised that it isn’t the same for me with men because I hadn’t explored that side properly before.

I still have great memories of my previous relationship and respect him very much. I never lied to him. Sexuality is complicated, it isn’t just a case of being gay or straight. It can be fluid and sometimes it actually does depend on who you meet in life.

You have every right to feel the way you do. In time hopefully you can see he wasn’t lying or being deceitful but has been able to discover himself after the marriage ended. Try and be happy for him. It is very hard coming to terms with your sexuality for lots of people.

@Pamcakey great post and hopefully will help OP. I do also know people who are happily “straight” and then meet someone of the same sex and fall in love having truly never felt same sex attraction before. However I think it’s a lot more likely that OP’s ex did know or at least suspect he was gay a lot earlier and made the decision to be with her or stay with her while knowing this.

OP, I have a tiny amount of experience of this from the other point of view.

I have a gay friend who was once married to a woman (c1980). He said he battened down his gay feelings out of shame, assumed that they were something he'd grow out of ('it's just a phase' was a common term at the time) and in any case he didn't fit a single gay stereotype. Do I think he deliberately lied to her? No, because he was unconsciously lying to himself. Did he feel shame and embarrassment about the whole situation? I didn't ask but from his tone and demeanour, yes he did.

As PP have said, this is going to be tricky for you to navigate, perhaps tricker for you than for your DC. I can 100% see why you'd feel lied to, even though I think he wasn't lying - at least, not on purpose.

It sounds as though he is handling this well, by telling you as kindly as he could and trying to work out the best way of letting the DC know. It sounds as though you and he have a remarkably good relationship for a pair of exes and maintaining that will be helpful to both of you and to your DC.

There is nothing wrong with being gay, but better not to mention it. Really?

Who is having an affair with a married man?? His new partner is a widower.

I was just about to say the same thing!

I didn’t read this post before writing my own. Very very similar experience. I completely agree with you when you say sexuality is a spectrum.

@Riva5784 because there is something wrong with marrying a woman if you know you're gay

You said the man he’s dating is married to a woman?

If I misread that please ignore my post. I’d be much more upset about him dating someone who is married than the gender of who he is dating.

Who's having an affair???
OP's ExH is divorced and the man he is with is widowed...

I misread that

He WAS. Said woman is now sadly deceased. Hence the reference to being widowed. Hope that helps.

Who’s having an affair? Have you posted on the right thread?

You really don’t know what you’re talking about and clearly haven’t read many of the posts on here about people who have discovered their sexuality later in life. If it was all a lie why stay as long as he did?

If he lived in shame all these years and only recently came to terms with it... then he still lied didn't he. It's heartbreaking for op! It's not OK to marry someone if you are trying to come to terms with being gay as you say. I absolutely have support for anyone coming to terms with their sexuality but I don't support marrying a woman and essentially taking away her right to be with someone who is 100 per cent committed to her in every way.

As you can see, this is the last place for something so sensitive because they just cannot get their tiny brains around it. Your feelings are valid but you understand anyway that it isn't the same as being lied to. The fact it still wasn't safe to be openly gay as recently as the 90s tells you why so many people are afraid to embrace parts of their sexuality they have always kept hidden. It wasn't that long ago we also used to put people in prison for being gay. The wheels turn very slowly sadly but you will find this is not the shock it first seemed. Looking back you will probably see little signs that were perhaps clues to him being a little different.

My son was terrified he would be hated and abused if anyone found out he was attracted to men so he continued dating women because he thought it was what society expected him to do, and spent years in turmoil and self loathing as a result. I always had an inclination but would never have said anything because I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable but sometimes it just takes a long time to find the courage. Circumstances need to be right. There are probably other sites you will get far less homophobia and fantasy about being gay meaning having affairs so have a look around while you process this news and be kind to yourself xx

as if ppl don't do that, stay in a marriage they aren't into 🙄

@Feelsodrained this was in response to how the children might feel or what they might think, not what I might think or not think.
As the 'common narrative' is that we are born with our sexuality, the CHILDREN might think that he must have known he's gay all along. Just like the ex wife op here is wondering. And she has Mumsnet for support the children don't.

It's not that black and white though. He didn't know he was gay when he married. Gay people don't just know they are gay from the off. Sometimes it takes years of failed relationships to put the pieces together.

And you're a bit ignorant x

The current narrative is that sexuality is fluid actually. Not that it’s fixed and immutable. He can say he’s gay, it’s not shameful and I doubt that the children will leap to the conclusion that he’s a liar.

Are you serious?