ExDH came out as gay

[Hostageslikethis]

Hi, not too sure why I'm posting but I don't feel I can say anything to friends yet.

DH and I met at 18 and 21, married at 22 and 25, then 8 years later had 2 boys who are now 14 and 16. We divorced 4 years ago, the chemistry was gone, we weren't happy. It was all very amicable, we still spend Christmas/The kids birthdays/mothers & fathers day together, there is no bad blood. We do week on/week off with the kids so it is truly 50/50, everyone is happy.

On Sunday I took him out for a fathers day meal with the boys, his week to have the boys so I dropped them off, he invited me in for a coffee. The alternative was going home alone to an empty house so I was grateful for the offer.

He then told me he needs to tell me something before he tells the boys and that news is that he is Gay, he has been in a relationship with a man since November. If I'm honest I cried!
I don't want him back, but I'm devastated, I feel lied to. He swears he didn't really know as he had never allowed himself to explore that side of himself out of shame. He claims he was attracted to me but doesn't feel like he is currently bisexual and feels gay fits better.
He told me the man he is seeing was also married to a woman, now a widower, has a 15 year old DD who he is going to tell soon too and they want to meet each others kids/introduce the kids to each other if they are ok with it.

I came home and I can't help but feel betrayed, lied to. I don't know how the boys will react.

Any advice? AIBU to feel like this?

Op you are very kind and gracious in all this. You're allowed to feel everything you are feeling and to question things. Maybe when you feel a bit more settled then speak with your exh again as you both seem to have a good relationship still and possibly could help you with those feelings or questions. It's also not wrong to maybe go speak to someone about all this just to sort through your emotions of divorcing and the new news.
Also just to add, your ex and your kids are very lucky to have someone as supportive in their lives.

Yes but if he did something wrong, it's even more reason to be honest with the dc. Telling your children you made a mistake and are sorry about it is a good example to set. The "don't say gay" approach is homophobic.

I believe that he probably didn't know he was gay or wouldn't admit it to himself. He was dishonest with himself first and foremost.

Can you really be sure ANYONE you marry is 100% committed to you in every way?

You may think you're being supportive but you aren't.

I applaud your response, OP. You’re the one this actually affects, yet you’ve been far more considered and kind in your response than total strangers who will have forgotten this thread tomorrow. Well done.

It's natural that you should feel some confusion at the moment. You’re reassessing why your marriage ended, which must be incredibly hard, especially when you’d moved on to an amicable setting. But please remember, that friendship hasn’t gone. You clearly still care for one another, but not in a romantic way. A lot of divorced people aren’t lucky enough to be in such a position - and it IS a lucky one when you have children together.

Try to remember that there are never any guarantees going into a marriage. You knew yesterday that the end of this marriage was the right thing, and it’s still the right thing today. Ignore bitter posters telling you your ex “wasted” a chunk of your life - your children are proof that this isn’t true. (You sound like a lovely mother too, by the way.)

You feel how you feel I suppose but it seems like he’s a respectful ex, a good father and a good person.
He’s been open and respectful with you, and there are plenty of people who end up with a same sex partner in later years.
You’ve been split for many years. Seem to get along, so don’t ruin your good relationship by being funny about this.

Op it's a shock, totally out of left field, be kind to yourself. Process tge news and I'm sure you will find all settles down soon enough

Best to check first then, maybe? Yeah?

"I’ve never come across someone who has always said they are gay who suddenly decides they are actually straight when they hit their 40s"

Oh well, if you've never come across it then it must be true 🙄🤣

i'm a lesbian and i genuinely didn't know until my late 20s. i'd had relationships with men and i thought i loved them, because i thought that was what attraction and love felt like.
it wasn't until i realised that i'm gay that i also realised that was just hetronormativity.
the refusal of pps to believe that this is something that can happen is horribly dismissive and frankly homophobic- gay people deal with years of heteronormativity and being put in boxes and so sometimes take a while to discover themselves

Also - you will get homophobia here, MN has a HUGE issue with it and any thread to do with gay anything quite often descends into ‘gays can’t be trusted’ territory…

If anything the fact that his new partner is a man is a positive - he’s not going to end up with another baby, his partner is very unlikely to be insecure about your close relationship with your ex as you’re no kind of threat now he’s come out, and he’s chosen someone who has both been married AND has a child of similar age to yours. All of which hopefully means there’s understanding and empathy there, and the common understanding that the kids will always come first for everyone.

Take your time. It’s a shock which may take a while to get your head around .

It’s almost as if we live in a society where being straight is seen as correct and applauded, but being gay is something shameful and to be suppressed 🤔

I have an old Uni friend who is the exH in a similar situation - except this is 20yrs down the line now, DC are adults and there are GC. They divorced long before he came out and there was no other man.

The ex wife was pretty bitter and has made the DCs lives difficult as they can't have both parents in the same room together. She evidently felt utterly betrayed and lied to. As pp have said, he was lying to himself first and foremost and really did love her..... We were all surprised at the divorce as they seemed so well suited.

You sound like you will navigate this OK @Hostageslikethis once you get over the initial shock.

Threads like these always tend to draw out the bigotry and homophobia of some of the most prolific posters. You can certainly tell which ones would abandon their own children if they found out they were gay. Nice.

Hi,
so sorry you are having to process this but please please don’t feel it’s any reflection on you or that you’ve been lied to!

I always thought I was bi/bi curious but realised a couple of years ago that I’m actually just attracted to women. My ex has been amazing and we are very amicable too. I honestly didn’t realise but it’s only recently that being lgbtq has become more acceptable and for many of us we were raised without realising who we are. I don’t think I lied to my husband, I think I honestly didn’t know and understand myself. I still love him but in a completely different way to how I love my girlfriend. The world is so heteronormative that we are groomed to assume we must be straight and it’s really difficult to process that this isn’t actually who we are.

take time for yourself to process but if you are able please do continue to support your ex. It really isn’t personal and is a huge reason we need to embrace things like pride so future generations don’t take till middle age to figure out who they are!

I second this OP

I don't think it's homophobic to feel that the kids might struggle with this - it turns everything they thought about their parents' marriage and their father's integrity on its' head. It's one thing to believe your parents genuinely loved each other, but sadly the relationship went wrong and feelings changed, it's another to think that maybe their dad deceived their mum and the relationship was fundamentally dishonest. That's the issue here, not being anti gay in itself, but the OPs (and potentially the DC's) feeling that the marriage was a lie.

He can swear up and down that he didn't know, but I think it's unlikely that he absolutely never had an inkling!

@Riva5784 I'm not saying don't say gay, I just think the focus on 'this is me! This is who I am! My identity! Me me me!' When talking to one's OWN children Is not how to help teenagers understand this big change, it's more about 'I love this man, he makes me happy. I want you to get to know him too. He might start coming to our family meals. He will/wont move in with us. He will/wont come on holiday. He will/wont be there at Christmas. His children will/wont come with him' - these are the questions that children care about the most and an adult should focus most of with them. Of course if they ask then he should say yes I think/feel I am a gay man now but I difnt think /feel I was one when I was younger and I married your mum. I only started feeling like a gay man when I was 40/ when I met boyfriend or whatever. But the main focus is on the children and how their lives might be impacted by the mew (male or felmale or other) partner

I know a few, although at least one would say bisexual if they had to pick a label.

The thing is - being openly gay from the get-go 20/30 years ago was an incredibly brave thing to do. Family pressure, societal pressure, was enormous - look how George Michael was absolutely hounded by the press for years over his sexuality, and that wasn’t because anyone thought it was a positive thing to be gay.
All of which is to say - it’s not surprising that so many people were in the closet, either for their own safety or because internalised homophobia crippled their ability to accept and be themselves.

Of course they won't see the irony that those views are precisely why this topic exists.

For my kids, it wasn’t a big deal in the slightest.

I agree

i think the issue is why you think he must have had an inkling. there is an automatic assumption with a lot of people that gay people are deceptive and always hiding something.
there is no proof the relationship was 'fundamentally dishonest'. some people just wake up one day and realise they're gay, in the same way some people realise they need a new job, or don't love their partner

I think all teens think the idea of their parents being sexual and having any kind of sexuality is not something they want to talk about or think about. They just want to know how their own lives will be impacted by a new step parent figure

Mmm, the usual double standard. Don’t say gay anyone, nana might have a heart attack! uncle Roy won’t understand! the kids will be confused!

It’s not a phase. He isn’t going to dump this bloke and find a nice girl, so do what you would do if it was a woman he was with.

As for the kids - leave it any longer and they might feel like fools for NOT knowing dad’s been seriously seeing someone.

He can swear up and down that he didn't know, but I think it's unlikely that he absolutely never had an inkling!

Do you think it’s as simple as “I’ve got an inkling; therefore I must be gay and had better stay single just to be on the safe side until I’m sure”?

Have you never heard of bisexuality? It’s entirely possible that any “inkling” the OP’s ex had would have initially been a feeling of “Maybe I’m bi” - a journey that could well have lasted some time? If it turned out he actually WAS bi, does this mean he would not have been able to commit to the relationship?