ExDH came out as gay

[Hostageslikethis]

Hi, not too sure why I'm posting but I don't feel I can say anything to friends yet.

DH and I met at 18 and 21, married at 22 and 25, then 8 years later had 2 boys who are now 14 and 16. We divorced 4 years ago, the chemistry was gone, we weren't happy. It was all very amicable, we still spend Christmas/The kids birthdays/mothers & fathers day together, there is no bad blood. We do week on/week off with the kids so it is truly 50/50, everyone is happy.

On Sunday I took him out for a fathers day meal with the boys, his week to have the boys so I dropped them off, he invited me in for a coffee. The alternative was going home alone to an empty house so I was grateful for the offer.

He then told me he needs to tell me something before he tells the boys and that news is that he is Gay, he has been in a relationship with a man since November. If I'm honest I cried!
I don't want him back, but I'm devastated, I feel lied to. He swears he didn't really know as he had never allowed himself to explore that side of himself out of shame. He claims he was attracted to me but doesn't feel like he is currently bisexual and feels gay fits better.
He told me the man he is seeing was also married to a woman, now a widower, has a 15 year old DD who he is going to tell soon too and they want to meet each others kids/introduce the kids to each other if they are ok with it.

I came home and I can't help but feel betrayed, lied to. I don't know how the boys will react.

Any advice? AIBU to feel like this?

Jesus Christ, some of the homophobia on here.

I'm bisexual. I didn't know I was bisexual until I was 22 and found myself kissing a bloke (I'm male). Up to that point, aside from a bit of a man-crush of Spike from Buffy, I'd never even contemplated that I was anything other than heterosexual. Turns out there are (very few) men who also get me going.

It works the other way as well. I've just been to a friends wedding last month. A "gold star" lesbian who'd never so much as kissed a man in 34 years. And now she's married one.

Just because OP's husband has realised he's gay, it doesn't mean he was hiding it, or that he must have cheated on OP when they were together. He's just come to a realisation about his sexuality later in life than most people do.

@Hostageslikethis I don't think it's abnormal that you've felt a bit lied to. You've just found out this huge thing that reframes your past marriage. But as you've realised, feeling lied to doesn't mean you've actually been lied to. It sounds like you and your husband have a decent friendship now, which is always an impressive feat. This most recent revelation doesn't have to change that.

I realised I was bisexual at 21, but there were indicators before that but I was 21 when I finally labelled it.

However, there is a big difference in your early 20s and almost 50! He also said he didn’t allow himself to explore it and felt shame. That very obviously means he knew there was something there that he was choosing not to address.

He didn’t just realise he’s gay when he met a certain man, he’s known and chosen to repress it until he met someone worth coming out for.

If he didn't know then he didn't know.. but if he did that's not OK. None of us know for sure, we are all speculating and arguing amongst ourselves when the truth is we don't know. If he was struggling with his sexualality then I'm sorry that doesn't justify getting married to a woman because he had struggles. I think I might be wrong you wrote another post about someone being scared to be gay and that's absolutely heartbreaking and no one should be scared to exist but that's not a safety net to justify marrying or having a relationship with a woman because someone is scared. I wouldn't want to be used simply because someone is scared.

@ABirdsEyeView

'I don't think it's homophobic to feel that the kids might struggle with this - it turns everything they thought about their parents' marriage and their father's integrity on its' head. It's one thing to believe your parents genuinely loved each other, but sadly the relationship went wrong and feelings changed, it's another to think that maybe their dad deceived their mum and the relationship was fundamentally dishonest. That's the issue here, not being anti gay in itself, but the OPs (and potentially the DC's) feeling that the marriage was a lie. He can swear up and down that he didn't know, but I think it's unlikely that he absolutely never had an inkling!'

Sigh...

You have several people on this thread who have clearly told you that they did not realise that they could be attracted to someone of the same sex until later in life/until they met a specific person they fell in love with and everything suddenly clicked into place.

But hey, don't let facts get in the way way of what you 'think'...

What you wrote is clearly homophobic because you suggest a person who comes out as gay later in life must have been previously a 'liar' and lacks 'integrity' and that kids will be more affected by their father's new relationship simply because it is with another man.

Everything you wrote is based in prejudice and ignorance.

"he had never allowed himself to explore that side of himself out of shame."
The ex husbands own words @Startingagainandagain. He had an indication and chose not to share that with his wife.

I understand why he didn't want to speak up, am sympathetic to a point. But this did not come completely out of the blue for him.

I think he did love the OP, but it does reframe her marriage.

Two of my best friends are a gay male couple. They had to turn down an invitation recently because “We’ve got Jane and her husband staying this weekend”. Jane is the ex-wife of one half of the couple.

I'm under no illusions that this happens every day. I’m sure there are many more examples where the outcome is bitterness and anger. But it shows that friendships can emerge from even the most challenging relationships.

FFS a man who thinks he may be gay or bi but is scared of the consequences and chooses to ignore that to have a happy relationship with a woman (as this clearly was, they are still friends and coparent effectively) is not "robbing" a woman of anything

Kids are resilient. I bet they are not shocked nearly as much as you think. He has a boyfriend so needs to tell them before they find out from someone else

Op he didn't lie to you (he may have lied to himself!) It's a common story

He's been a good father and ex. Regroup and deal with this

Haven't rtft.
You've had a big shock but your ex is still the same person. Still your friend and still a good Dad.
Have a cup of tea/glass of wine and give yourself time to process.
He's in a different place now and I am sure you will come round to this and be happy for him.
FWIW I have several friends who thought they were gay/straight - married/kids and then discovered that it wasn't that simple after all.
Life and love is complicated.

I wouldn’t say robbing but I’d say it’s almost similar to anyone who gets married with a secondary motive eg for money or immigration status or to get away from home (while also liking the person they’re marrying). Fine if the other person is aware of it or even shares that motive, but in the case of a gay man or woman marrying “straight” I do think their spouse is missing out on something they don’t even know they’re missing out on - the chance to be married to someone who fully loves and wants to be with them in every sense. OP cannot go back and have a 20 year marriage/kids with someone who is straight - and that may not matter at all, but in other circumstances where perhaps the straight partner felt like they’d given everything to make a marriage work, or perhaps they never felt their partner found them attractive and that’s had negative impacts on them, It might matter quite a bit.

This is nonsense. They are young when they met and it is entirely possible not to be fully aware of your sexuality at that age. There is no indication he used her as a beard or to have children. You seem really out of touch.

Plenty of straight people marry without being 100% committed, they don't "fully" love someone or want to be with them in every sense. They fall out of love, meet someone new, get married too early/young and realise that it was a haze of youthful joy rather than deep love.

OP had a long marriage with 2 children with a man she's still friends with. Her life was hardly ruined or stolen from her.

What a WEIRD post. Don't be ridiculous. Most people are agreeing that you ought to be upset. Because this will make you question EVERYTHING and quite rightly so. It's not homophobic to say that - would you have married him if you knew he was gay? I suspect not. Does that make you homophobic? Of course not. I don't believe that someone wakes up one morning suddenly gay. Most gay people say they knew from childhood. I don't believe in all this fluid sexuality nonsense, it's just this generations trendy talk.
As for your kids, if you think that they are going to respond well to this revelation, then I think you're in for a big surprise.

Do NOT out him to his children

Omg that's awful advise

And he didn't rape you

PP is vile

Completely agree with this. 👏

Op, please don't feel that you have to be supportive and understanding. You really don't. And this #bekind movement always makes women think that they have to put up and shut up. A huge chuck of your life was with this man. He knew something you didn't. You don't say why you split, but I would imagine that behind the scenes, this had something to do with it, even though you didn't know at the time. People aren't being homophobic when they say this. You were lied to by omission, and that's not okay. Or the sign of a decent man.

@Badgersbum2024 I have never read such hateful bile as I have from your posts

You should be ashamed to type such things. Likening it to rape and calling him an abuser and suggesting OP out him is appalling.

It's not simple. He wasn't even SURE of his sexuality and possibly even considered himself bisexual because he had feelings for the OP. The fact they are still friends now suggests there was something there

Its not more rape than a couple who think they are madly in love and get married in 3 months before realising a year down the line they've made a mistake.

He didn't abuse her. I'm not being hysterical

You a vile, hateful homophobe projecting massive issues and trying to encourage someone to do something truly vile and abusive by telling OP to out this man before he has chance to speak to his children!

Jesus what a shitty comment. How is years of marriage a waste of life if it resulted in two happy loved children and a perfectly amicable co-parenting relationship? Would you say the same if he’d met another woman rather than a man? What’s the difference?

Please, please

NEVER out someone. Even if you think you're being the righteous one. It's a horrible thing to do and quite literally leads to people being abused, attacked, killed, committing suicide, being rejected and abandoned with nothing...

Just don't ever do it